


Parameters

by lodessa



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Angst, Bathtub Sex, Bittersweet, Bittersweet Ending, Boundaries, Casual Sex, Character Development, Co-workers, Cohabitation, Comfort Sex, Compromise, Declarations Of Love, Denial of Feelings, Developing Relationship, Domestic, Emotional Sex, Emotionally Compromised, Episode: s02e04 Elogium, Episode: s02e25 Resolutions, F/M, Falling In Love, Friends With Benefits, Grief/Mourning, Guilt, Heartbreak, Internal Conflict, Light Bondage, Love Confessions, Masturbation, Morning Sex, New Earth, Oral Sex, Pining, Propositions, Ready Room Sex, Reflection, Relationship Negotiation, Restraints, Sex, Sexual Fantasy, Sexual Roleplay, Temptation, Unresolved Emotional Tension, Vulnerability, Water Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-22
Updated: 2017-07-15
Packaged: 2018-03-02 21:19:11
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 46,345
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2826452
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lodessa/pseuds/lodessa
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What starts off as a friendly arrangement to release some built up tension quickly spirals out of control. (Complete at last)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “We are going to need to set up some clear parameters.” She told him simply, and watched him realize the implication of her statement.
> 
> “Understood.” He smiled, his whole demeanor relaxing.
> 
> “Obviously, this stays between us and off duty.” She started. “And we need to be clear about this being and remaining a friendly release: no pet names, no declarations…”
> 
> “Naturally.” He nodded.
> 
> “If either of us wants out, for any reason, no questions asked: no harm no foul.”
> 
> He gave her a look that implied he didn’t think that was a plausible scenario. Once you’re fucking me you will never want to stop, his eyes seemed to say.

Chakotay paused on his way towards the door and Kathryn could tell her had something he wanted to say, by the tension in his jaw.

“Spit it out, Commander.”  She smiled, undercutting the terseness of her words, “You obviously have something you’re itching to say.”

“I’m not sure I should.  I suspect you would find it inappropriate, Captain.” He hesitated on the word inappropriate and Kathryn was intrigued.

“Perhaps. I can’t really tell you, since I don’t know what it is.” She pointed out.

Furrowing his brow in concentration, he pressed his lips tightly together.  Kathryn realized she was staring at his mouth and dragged her gaze up.

“It has to do with our earlier conversation about people pairing off.” He finally said, looking a little embarrassed.

 _So he does have a lover, probably someone from his old crew._ She wondered why he was acting so strangely about it; after all, she had told him that she certainly wasn't expecting him to join her in her celibacy.

“If this is the part where you tell me about how you are already involved with someone, I’ll remind you of what I said earlier.” She replied with what she hoped was a warm smile.

“That’s not what I was going to say at all.  I actually wanted to talk about you and your plan to stay…” He paused, clearly looking for a delicate way to put it.

“Well, this is starting to sound quite-” She didn’t have a chance to say inappropriate before he cut her off.

“I’m actually hoping that you and I can come to an arrangement.”  His words were a little rushed, like he thought he might not get them out if he delayed.

Kathryn was sure the shock showed on her face, as what he seemed to be suggesting hit her.

“An… arrangement?” She made no effort to conceal her incredulity from her voice.  Surely he couldn’t really be proposing what it sounded like.

“I know you don’t think it would be appropriate fraternize with the crew and I understand why.  I’m aware that you have a fiance back home as well… It is a very long way home, though, and you are beautiful woman, a woman who surely has human needs.”

She found herself flushing at the way he looked at her when he said the word beautiful.

“Commander…” She started, then stopped. “Chakotay, I’m not so sure-”

“Hear me out.” He insisted. “I’m not suggesting we mate for life or anything.  We are both going to end up seeking release somewhere, though.  I’m certainly attracted to you and, from the way you have a habit of looking at my lips, I suspect you are to me.  Consider it two friends helping each other out, or if you want to think of it as your first officer doing his duty by attending to his captain’s needs…”

She couldn’t help chuckling in response to that last suggestion, which she suspected was his intention.  She had to admit that she found Chakotay extremely attractive and his logic made a certain sort of sense.  Still… Mark was hopefully waiting for her.  She was still the captain.  One couldn’t go around breaking one’s principles just because one’s first officer happened to have a smile like a starburst and be built like a character from some bodice ripper holonovel romance.

“Are you suggesting this for my benefit or yours?” She asked as idly as she could manage.

“Both. I hope.” He replied. “But I am happy for it just to be yours, if something reciprocal seems too intimate.”

“What is that supposed to mean?” She asked, taken aback.

“It means, I’d rather we satisfy each other, but I am perfectly willing to just attend to your needs.” He said with an inclination of his head downwards, glancing below her hips.

She should have told him that he was completely out of line.  She ought to have reprimanded him, told him to strike this from his mind, and that if he ever brought it up again she would brig him. She probably should have brigged him right then and there.  Instead she walked towards him.

“You’ve taken me by surprise.” She told him, placing a hand on his chest lightly.

“I’m sorry if I’ve offended you.” She felt him inhale sharply.

“Give me some time to consider your proposal.” She found herself saying, dropping her hand from him.

“All the time you need.” Her replied, turning from her with a wink clearly intended to lighten the mood, as he headed to the door.

“And Chakotay.” She added. “Obviously, this stays off the record and between us.”

She couldn’t believe she was even considering this and yet she obviously was.  She knew that Chakotay could have had his pick of the women on the ship, and yet he was coming to her, in spite of the potential consequences. Kathryn knew that there was some natural chemistry between them, something that made her trust him despite the circumstances they’d met under.

Of course, there was Mark to consider, but she knew Chakotay was right about that as well.  She wasn’t going to be able to hold out forever and better she have a friendly understanding with her first officer than be seeking out romance with passing members of unknown species they might encounter.

The real challenge would be keeping it within reasonable parameters, she thought, realizing she’d already made up her mind.  She might require sexual fulfillment but she couldn’t afford to have a torrid love affair with her first officer if she was going to get them all home. No.  This had to stay friendly.  There couldn’t be any romance about it.

She tapped her comm badge. “Janeway to Chakotay.”

“Chakotay here.” She could hear the tension in his voice.

“Report to my quarters at nineteen hundred hours to conclude our earlier discussion.” Kathryn stated as neutrally as she could.

“See you then, Captain.” He replied, and she couldn’t help smiling a little.

Chakotay arrived promptly, searching her face for a hint as to what her decision was and evidently finding no answers.  She considered keeping him in suspense, but decided that was mean and small spirited to no purpose.

“We are going to need to set up some clear parameters.” She told him simply, and watched him realize the implication of her statement.

“Understood.” He smiled, his whole demeanor relaxing.

“Obviously, this stays between us and off duty.” She started. “And we need to be clear about this being and remaining a friendly release: no pet names, no declarations…”

“Naturally.” He nodded.

“If either of us wants out, for any reason, no questions asked: no harm no foul.”

He gave her a look that implied he didn’t think that was a plausible scenario. _Once you’re fucking me you will never want to stop_ , his eyes seemed to say.

“Anything else?” He asked.

“Only the suggestion that we move this somewhere a little more comfortable.” She smirked.

“Now?” He questioned, clearly having expected her to draw up some complex calendar beforehand.

“Unless you have other plans.” She raised her eyebrow playfully, but her teasing was cut short as he closed the distance between them, pressing those gorgeous lips of his against hers and wrapping one arm around her to pull her close.

Kathryn found she was glad he’d skipped the preamble, saving them from the awkward negotiation of how best to begin.  She wrapped one hand behind his head, fingers running through his hair as she pulled him deeper into the kiss.  His lips felt every bit as good as they looked. She thought about his earlier offer to simply pleasure her orally if she wasn’t comfortable sleeping with him, and felt her arousal increase at the thought of it.

Pressing her hips against his, she felt the beginnings of a sizeable erection against her through both of their uniforms. She ran her hand over the fabric and thought about how much she was going to enjoy riding him until she came so hard on his big cock she passed out.  Reaching for her own uniform, she pulled off the jacket and Chakotay followed suit with his own. The turtlenecks were next to go and then they were down to their undershirts.  

Chakotay leaned in and kissed her neck, sending waves of desire through her. She ran her hands up under his shirt, enjoying the feeling of the solid muscle beneath. His mouth lowered across her collarbone and Kathryn noted that he was clearly the kind of man who liked to explore a woman’s whole body, not “just the highlights”, something she was sure to enjoy.

“Let’s go to the bedroom.” She suggested, stepping away and grinning back at him over her shoulder as she pulled her tank over her head on her way in that direction.

His expression was hungry and Kathryn enjoyed it and the way he eagerly followed her. She moved her hands down to unfasten her uniform pants and felt him come up behind her, pressing his hands over her hips.

“Let me.” Chakotay suggested against her ear, and she let him replace her hands with his, caressing her skin as he undid and slid her pants down her legs. His lips brushed their way down her spine and sent shivers through her as he bent to finish taking them off, along with her boots.   

She turned around and met his lips with hers, as she returned the favor.  For a moment they stood there, contemplating the sight of one another in only undergarments, and then he pressed her against the wall, running his hands down her body.  She pressed her hand over the bulge of his erection and felt him strain against the material.

He dropped down in front of her and hooked his fingers under the sides of her underwear, looking up at her for approval as he ran his lips along her thigh.  She nodded and he pulled them down, eye clearly noting the damp patch of the cloth and smiling as he moved his eyes to her in front of him and then ran his tongue over her glistening folds.  The soft touch of his tongue sense a shiver of enjoyment through her that only intensified as he reached her clit and circled around it.  It had been a while and, as he closed those wonderful lips of his over her clit, she let out a groan of enjoyment, realizing just how tightly wound she had become. And oh… he definitely knew what he was doing with that lovely mouth.

Kathryn let herself collapse against the wall and enjoy as Chakotay swiped his tongue against her clit before sucking on it lightly.  She felt her heart rate increase with every passing moment and trusted with absolutely certainty that he was going to get her off this way and relatively soon.  He licked her faster and she felt her legs start to tremble as she cried out at the suddenly intense jolts of stimulation.  He sucked harder and she shook and clenched in an orgasm far more satisfying than she’d been able to provide for herself.

She reached for his shoulders and pulled him to his feet, guiding him backwards towards the bed until the back of his legs hit it, and pulling down his underwear to reveal him at last.  He reached around her and unclasped her bra, bringing his hands to her breasts. She arched into the contact, running her hand along his erection, feeling his size and how hard he was.   He groaned and ran his thumbs over her nipples.  

She pushed him down onto the bed and straddled him, rubbing his cock against her dripping opening, as her hand continued to run over the underside.  He cupped her breasts firmly, his lips finding hers and she circled her thumb over the tip of his cock, feeling him moan into her mouth as she did into his.  She shifted her hips so that the head of his cock was pressed up against her entrance and lowered herself down onto him, moaning loudly as he filled her.

Circling her hips, she enjoyed the feeling of him pressing inside her in all the right ways and felt something inside of her let go.  She moved her hands to his shoulders and started to work herself on top of him, enjoying the way he was rubbing his hands across her nipples with each thrust of her hips against him.  

Yes.  This was exactly what she needed, even though it wasn’t something she’d been willing to admit to herself.  Thankfully, Chakotay was almost eerily good at anticipating her needs, something that was useful as hell in a first officer. _And completely invaluable in a sexual partner_ , she added, as he shifted the angle of his hips in such a way that her clit brushed against him with every movement she made.

She sped up slightly, working herself closer to orgasm as Chakotay used his mouth on the area just below the edge of where her undershirt would end when she put her uniform back on.  The touch of his mouth was light. _He doesn’t know how easily I might bruise_ , she realized. Either way, the contact was divine, but she appreciated the thoughtfulness.

Then he moved his mouth down to her breast and captured one of her nipples between his lips and she gave up thinking at all as her head rolled back on her shoulders and she brought herself down on him harder and faster, a series of moans escaping her lips until she came with a cry.

Shifting her angle slightly, she noticed the way his breath caught when she circled her hips.  She put her hands down on his chest and repeated the motion, enjoying the way his breathing sped up and he tensed, until finally he arched up and climaxed, spilling into her with a strangled groan.

As she climbed off of him, she smiled contentedly.

“You were right.” She smirked. “I do feel better.”

“Better doesn’t begin to cover it.” He exhaled, collapsing back onto the bed.

“Should we set up a schedule or just…”

“As needed?” He suggested, and she suspected that was going to be quite frequently now that they’d opened the door to it.

She was enjoying the sight of him lying there spent on her bed, but she also knew that if they spent too much time basking in the afterglow it was going to test their newly established parameters in no time at all.

“I don’t know about you, but I am famished.” She commented, standing up and grabbing a robe to cover herself with.

“Sounds good to me.” He agreed, following her lead and getting up to search for his clothes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is (obviously) set around "Elogium". Originally, this was supposed to just be a "Resolutions" fic, in which they had an sexual arrangement before they ended up on New Earth with boundaries that obviously came crumbling down at that point, but the more I thought about it the more I realized I needed to show how they got to that point. I am estimating about eight chapters total.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The door to Kathryn’s ready room chimed and she groaned inwardly, hoping it wasn’t Neelix with another obnoxious complaint or request. The Talaxian meant well, but sometimes he got on her last nerve and today she was already frustrated and fed up. 
> 
> She breathed a sigh of relief when Chakotay appeared instead. He was always a sight for sore eyes.
> 
> “Don’t tell me there’s another problem.” She grimaced. As much as she enjoyed looking at him, Chakotay was probably here for a reason and that reason was probably one more problem that needed to be deal with.
> 
> “I just thought I’d offer to take some of those PADDs covering your desk and deal with them.” He smiled at her warmly with that smile that made her and every other woman with a pulse melt. “You seem pretty stressed.”

The door to Kathryn’s ready room chimed and she groaned inwardly, hoping it wasn’t Neelix with another obnoxious complaint or request. The Talaxian meant well, but sometimes he got on her last nerve and today she was already frustrated and fed up. 

She breathed a sigh of relief when Chakotay appeared instead. He was always a sight for sore eyes.

“Don’t tell me there’s another problem.” She grimaced. As much as she enjoyed looking at him, Chakotay was probably here for a reason and that reason was probably one more problem that needed to be deal with.

“I just thought I’d offer to take some of those PADDs covering your desk and deal with them.” He smiled at her warmly with that smile that made her and every other woman with a pulse melt. “You seem pretty stressed.”

“Thanks. My back is starting to feel like it is just one big knot.” She sighed appreciatively. Sometimes Kathryn missed the days when she had been a simple science officer with a fraction of the paperwork.

“Tell you what… Why don’t I drop by your quarters when our shift ends and see if I can’t help you out with the whole tension situation?” He suggested, the hint of a smile ghosting across his face.

She nodded. She could certainly use the release, a good orgasm or five always helped her mental state. She had to admit that she’d been skeptical when Chakotay had suggested turning to one another to get their sexual needs met, but he’d been right. She was certain she would have exploded by now if it hadn’t been for him. 

“I’ll get right on these so that we’re both free.”

“Twenty-one hundred hours.” She confirmed, lowering her gaze back to one of the PADDs in front of her, but enjoying watching him turn around and walk out with a stack of PADDs at the same time. 

When Chakotay arrived, she was down to her undershirt and underwear, curled up on the couch going over one last PADD. 

As he saw her, she watched his eye glaze over a little with desire. _Good_ , she thought. _I could use a good hard fuck against the bulkheads after today._

She rose and dropped the PADD on the table, crossing towards him.

“Let’s get you out of that uniform.” She smiled, reaching for his jacket. He was very conscious of never coming to her quarters out of uniform, lest someone he passed in the corridors make something of it.

“An excellent plan.” He leaned in and placed his mouth against the hollow of her throat, setting her skin on fire at the sensation of his soft warm lips against it. 

It hadn’t taken Chakotay any time at all to identify all of Kathryn’s most reactive spots and utilize that knowledge relentlessly… not that she was complaining.

“You are distracting me from my mission.” She groaned, enjoying the sensation but also eager for the satisfaction of release.

“Are you saying you are incapable of multitasking, captain?” She could feel him grin against her neck.

Kathryn had never been able to resist a challenge.

“Multitasking?” She grinned, running her hand over the front of his uniform pants, cupping him through the material. “How’s this for multitasking?”

Chakotay groaned in response, kissing her shoulder harder and running his hands up under her tank. His hands cupped her breasts and she let out a low moan and pressed into the contact. Yes. This was definitely what she needed after the last few days.

She moved her hands back to the task on undressing him, and had him down to his underwear in no time at all, and he made quick work of her shirt. His eyes ran over her bare breasts and down towards her hips. 

The desire she saw in his gaze sent a shudder of need through her. She leaned in and kissed him, pressing her body against his and reached under his waistband to stroke him. His hands ran over the sore muscles of her back, causing her to groan at the pleasurable ache.

She finished stripping him and pulled down her own underwear, grinding her body against his and was surprised when he didn’t press her to the wall and push that wonderful cock of his inside of her, instead continuing to rub at the knots of her shoulders with his thumbs.

“Lets get you into the bedroom, where I can really work on these.” He suggested, and Kathryn supposed he was being considerate of her aching muscles.

She didn’t really care whether they fucked on the bed or against the wall or on the damned table, as long as she got to climax around his thick hard cock until she couldn’t see straight. 

She released him and walked into the bedroom. Collapsing onto the bed, she laid on her back with her legs open, knees up and feet under them, inviting him to place himself between them.

“I can’t really get to your back that way.” Chakotay grinned and guided her onto her stomach, settling himself between her legs and resuming rubbing her back. He really did have marvelously talented hands and Kathryn let herself melt under them.

“I thought we were going to release some tension.” She murmured, enjoying the feeling but at the same time some part of her had a warning flashing about the tender intimacy of this.

“Relax and let me do this for you first.” He told her. “What are friends for if not to deal with persistent knots?”

It was like he could read her mind. She supposed it wouldn’t do any harm to take advantage of those magic hands of his in this form as well. Already, she could feel her whole body unwinding.

“I can’t argue with how great you apparently are at that.” Kathryn conceded, soothed and aroused at the same time.

His lips pressed against her skin between her shoulder blades and Kathryn couldn’t help sighing in enjoyment as his hands gentled worked out the knots in her shoulders and neck. She felt them melting away as her body relaxed under his attentions. 

At the same time, the light kisses he was placing against her neck caused her to grind her hips against the bed in arousal. If anything, she was more worked up now that tension wasn’t making her body tight and painful. She could feel his erection pressing against her and she shifted her hips up to bring him into contact with her opening.

Chakotay took the hint and slid slowly into her, hands and mouth staying on her shoulders and continuing their movements. Kathryn let out a moan of enjoyment at the combination, as Chakotay slowly rocked inside of her, sending waves of pleasure to meet the ones he was already generating as his mouth found a pulse point.

This was the opposite of the hard fuck against a bulkhead she’d imagined for tonight. It felt overwhelmingly good, satisfying in a way that wasn’t dependent on release, though she was definitely about to experience one very soon. 

The tender way he was holding her, the full body contact, Kathryn’s whole body tingled and she moaned loudly as she approached orgasm, shuddering and clenching and then limp and boneless but feeling like she was flying.

Chakotay placed one last kiss against her spine and slowly pulled out, guiding her to roll over and face him.

Kathryn was not prepared for the expression she saw on his face. She was prepared for lust or self satisfaction but suddenly she was drowning in a soft gaze full of tenderness. It wasn’t fondness or contentment or anything else. The way he was looking at her was filled with emotion, full of something that looked eerily close to love.

Kathryn cursed herself inwardly, for convincing herself that they could do this and not have emotion come into play. She knew better but she’d wanted to believe it and she’d gotten lax, letting them slip into things like today’s massage. 

She didn’t know how to respond, so she pulled him close and buried her face against his chest, which did nothing to diffuse the moment but at least meant she didn’t have to meet his gaze. His body felt so good against hers and it was all too easy to think of that instead of concerning herself with its implications.

As he slid back into her and let out a low moan, Kathryn couldn’t help doing the same. She knew she was going to have to deal with this eventually, but not right now, not while each thrust was sending waves of pleasure through her and she was so close to coming again.

She knew she shouldn’t be, that the sudden realization that he was looking at her with those emotions should have killed the moment. The truth was that she was caught up in it instead.

He guided her face up to meet his and kissed her deeply, as both of them started to shake with each long thrust which buried him deep inside of her. His eyes bore into hers and she found she couldn’t bring herself to look away. She cried out, spasming around him, and he flooded her with the warmth of his release.

As she started to regain her breath, the enormity of her realization hit her.

How long had he been looking at her lovingly? She had no idea. Was it before they’d started having sex? Why did it both scare the hell out of her and yet do nothing to diminish her desire for him?

“A little more relaxed?” He asked, grinning at her, clearly completely unaware of the epiphany she was having.

“Completely. Not a knot in sight.” She smiled with a laugh. That was the response she’d usually give, right? 

She knew that she’d need to deal with this, but not until she was sure what she was even dealing with and had had time to consider her reaction.

“Are you sure?” He grinned, “Because, I’ve still got a couple tricks up my sleeve to ensure we’ve dealt with any remaining tension.”

He licked those tantalizing lips of his and looked at her like he wanted to devour or worship her; she wasn’t sure which.

“Oh really?” She enquired, intentionally keeping her tone playful. “And just what kind of tricks might those be?”

“Maybe I’d better just show you…” He suggested, moving slowly down her body, with long lingering kisses down her neck and down between her breasts.

“If you insist.” She almost purred in enjoyment, “Just to be sure…”

“I think it’s for the best… in the best interests of the entire crew.” He murmured, reaching her stomach and placing kisses down to her hips. His hands gently rubbed the tops of her thighs and she ran her hands through his hair.

Kathryn collapsed back against the bed, as he kissed her inner thighs, one hand moving up to gently pressing against her clit as his tongue probed between her folds, lapping slowly. His hands weren’t the only talented part of Chakotay, and she shivered in enjoyment. It was hard to focus on anything else, as her pleasure mounted once more, hips thrusting up against him in desire. 

Before she knew it, she was crying out once more, shaking and clenching and breathless, only to remember what she’d been contemplating as her gaze met his once more and experienced the intensity of it. She quickly pressed her eyes closed once more, not ready to let go of her enjoyment and face her discovery just yet.

Kathryn wasn’t sure what to do or say about the realization she’d had about the way these sessions with Chakotay had ventured from cathartic fucking towards emotional expression. Unless she was misreading him, which was possible but only implied that she was the one who had fallen for him and was imagining things that weren’t there in his expression.

_No_ , she thought, opening her eyes and meeting his once more. _He’s looking at me like he’s completely smitten._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We are inching ever closer to "Resolutions"; one more chapter before we get to the beginning of it, to be exact.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "We need to talk." she forced herself to say, sitting up and reaching for her discarded uniform.
> 
> "Okay..." Chakotay looked up at her, questioning but not suspicious, "What do we need to talk about?"
> 
> "This isn't working." 
> 
> She couldn't even bring herself to face him as she said it, instead busying herself with refastening her pants.
> 
> "Really? Because it seemed like just now it was working pretty spectacularly, especially when you dug your nails into my back and demanded that it not stop."

When Kathryn had arranged for Chakotay and herself to take the shuttle down to the planet’s surface alone, she had intended for it to be an opportunity to confront the reality that their “arrangement” was losing its parameters in a dramatic way, a point that only became more poignant as that plan went by the wayside in favor of enjoying the way he was making her clit throb with arousal by kissing her inner thighs and the sweet relief of his tongue running over her at last. Kathryn gave in to the feeling of his lips and his tongue coaxing her towards orgasm as she lay naked in the sunlit meadow, the grass tickling her skin.

She threaded her fingers into his hair, arching up into his mouth and crying out in enjoyment as he sucked on her clit only to release the pressure and swirl his tongue against her. He sped up and soon had her shaking and coming against his lips, only to redouble his efforts, taking advantage of their isolation to see just how loud her could get her to scream as he brought her to climax repeatedly. 

Finally, she dragged him up her body, running her fingers over the glorious surface of his warm skin. She moaned as his lips trailed up her stomach and then over her breasts, before closing over her mouth. 

Kathryn wrapped her arms and legs around Chakotay and twisted them sideways, rolling him onto his back so that she landed above him. She straddled his torso, tracing his biceps with her hands. 

The way the light was shining on Chakotay made him look like something otherworldly, his powerful form seeming to glow in the sun. She’d thought he was handsome when she first saw him under the artificial ship-light, but he was something else entirely in natural light. It always caught her by surprise.

With a smirk, she slowly slid downwards, leaving tongue trails all over his torso. Chakotay groaned, as she reached a particularly sensitive spot. Kathryn wrapped her hand around his erection, running her fingers lightly down his length and enjoying the way his hips thrust up into the contact. 

She moved her hands to his inner thighs, as her mouth drifted lower, tongue running along the underside of his erection to the tip, before sinking her mouth down around it. She felt him tense and pulse against her, as she found that slow languid pace that always seemed to work him into an uncontrollable frenzy.

Sure enough, before long he was pulling her up his body, capturing her lips and Chakotay sat up against her, drawing her into his lap and down onto his cock. They both let out a sigh of satisfaction as she slid down completely, his hands covering her back. Kathryn gripped his shoulders, knees pressing hard into the grass beneath them, as she worked her body against and around him.

His eyes bore into hers, intense and focused, as their bodies moved together, her breasts rubbing against his chest with each thrust. Kathryn lost all thoughts of anything beyond Chakotay and herself and the waves of pleasure brought about by that winning combination. Her lips found his, one of her hands moving up to run through his hair. The sun was warm against her skin, though not as hot as the feeling of his body, and she shuddered in ecstasy.

Gently, Chakotay lowed her backwards, his arms cradling her back against impact with the ground, as he kissed her neck and ground into her, slowly but with conviction. Kathryn drew her knees up, pressing him deeper inside of her and cried out in absolute satisfaction as his next stroke rubbed her clit against him perfectly. She was thankful that they were alone on this planet, with only the local wildlife to hear her scream as each successive one seemed to cause her to do so louder.

“Don’t stop!” she cried out, clutching him tightly..

As she descended back from blackout to a warm comforting level enjoyment, Kathryn ran her hands over Chakotay’s handsome face, enjoying the heat of his stare as they rolled over so that she was above him. Their eyes stayed locked as she rocked, slow but intense, with her pleasure slowly building again until, as he cried out and she felt his release hit her inner walls, she found herself clenching hard around him with an uncontrollable moan. She collapsed onto his chest, shaky and satisfied.

The fact that they needed to talk about how their boundaries hadn't worked out came rushing back to her all at once, but at the same time it seemed absurd as they lay there in the afterglow of lovemaking. That was exactly the problem, though. One of the many reasons they'd agreed to keep this friendly was that they couldn't afford to be compromised by their relationship.

"We need to talk." she forced herself to say, sitting up and reaching for her discarded uniform.

"Okay..." Chakotay looked up at her, questioning but not suspicious, "What do we need to talk about?"

"This isn't working." 

She couldn't even bring herself to face him as she said it, instead busying herself with refastening her pants.

"Really? Because it seemed like just now it was working pretty spectacularly, especially when you dug your nails into my back and demanded that it not stop."

His tone was playful, but there was a defensive edge creeping into it.

"That isn't what I mean and you know it." she snapped, fastening her bra.

"Okay then." he replied with studied cautiousness, "What do you mean? What about this is not working?"

"We set up some ground rules for good reason and we're not abiding by them..." she paused to pull her undershirt over her head, "You're not abiding by them."

" **I'm** not abiding by them? Tell me, Captain, just which guideline am I not following to your liking?"

He fumbled to pull his pants on as he kept his gaze intent on her, turning the accusation right back around with his eyes. Kathryn broke the eye contact as she pulled on her boots.

"This was supposed to stay friendly..." she bought time by pulling on her turtleneck, "And the way you've been..." she couldn't quite seem to finish a sentence, instead struggling with her uniform jacket as she pulled it over her shoulders and attempted to close it, "Well it's anything but that..isn't it?"

"What are you saying?" Chakotay's voice was a mix of quiet and hard, the relaxed contentment of a few moments ago long forgotten, as he reached out and touched her shoulder, urging her to face him directly.

Kathryn swallowed hard, "You're developed feelings for me, can you deny that?"

"What if I have?" he shot back, "You are the one who keeps summoning me to your quarters, who arranged for us to come come here together alone, and increasingly common trend which flies completely in the face of protocol. Admit it: you have feelings for me too."

He had a point, obviously she'd gotten a little sweeter on him that she'd meant to as well. That didn't change the reality that such a change in their arrangement was untenable.

"If that was so, all the more reason we'd need to call this off." she evaded, "We can't afford to get sentimental about each other."

She wanted to turn away from him, afraid of what they might see in one another's eyes, but she refused to flinch.

"You know what I think? I think you are just scared to admit that you want this every bit as much as I do."

Not every bit as much, she told herself. If that were true they wouldn't be having this conversation. Still, the notion that he could sense her internal conflict drove home just how out of line this had gotten.

"That will be all." she found herself stating coldly, "We said at the beginning that either of us could call his off for any reason, no questions asked. Well I'm calling it off." She felt a lump well up in her throat and she had to look away from his injured gaze or she knew she wasn't going to be able to keep it together. "Now if you'll excuse me, I have samples to collect. I'll see you in an hour when we rendezvous to beam back up to the ship."

Grabbing her equipment, she hurried off. As soon as she was safely out of sight, Kathryn collapsed against a tree, gasping for air as her chest tightened painfully. She couldn't get Chakotay's wounded expression out of her mind and she ached at the thought of never feeling his lips on her again.

_This is your fault, Kathryn_ , she told herself, _You knew better than to do this in the first place but you let your desire overwhelm your reason._

Now she had to deal with the consequences. She had to hope that they'd be able to work their way back to a place where they could work as a team comfortably, but she knew that what had happened was bound to have consequences for a long while.

She dreaded meeting back up with him, but to her surprise when he saw her Chakotay smiled (though it was a forced one) and made an effort at banter.

_He's trying to make this easier for me_ , she realized. _It made her feel even worse about herself. He's a better person than I am._

That was her last thought before they dematerialized. The next thing she knew they'd appeared on the transporter pad and suddenly the world was spinning.

"Captain!" she saw Chakotay's face tense in worry and he reached out for her, before crumpling to the ground.

That was the last thing she remembered before waking up in sickbay. As she looked up at the faces hovering over her, she realized that she was searching for the one that was missing.

"Chakotay..." she didn't meant to say out loud.

"He's still under. It appears that the two of you have been infected with some sort of virus native to the planet you visited." the Doctor informed her.

"Can you treat it?" Her question came out more as a demand.

"I'm trying." He told her, as bad sign, "So far I've discovered the disease is dormant on the surface of the planet and only active when you leave."

"On the surface? Is there some kind of environmental factor?" 

The scientist in her was fascinated by the puzzle.

"That's what I'm trying to figure out. In the meantime, I'm going to put you back into stasis to prevent any permanent damage."

"How long was I out this last time?"

"About two weeks." 

That was more than she had expected. Kathryn was surprised and concerned that the Doctor didn't even seem close to a treatment in that amount of time.

"Can I talk to Tuvok, alone, before you put me into stasis?" she asked.

"I suppose a few minutes won't make much of a difference." The Doctor's irritation was clearly evident.

Kathryn sighed, She knew that the crew would do everything in their power to save her and Chakotay, but they needed a contingency plan. She wouldn't allow them to waste their lives on it, if it was a lost cause. She trusted Tuvok to be Vulcan enough to understand that, her friend though he might be.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _That’s how we ended up here!_ she berated herself, the guilt and self blame starting to creep in past the defenses of her focus on making progress. If she hadn’t brought him down here and indulged in a passionate rendezvous, they wouldn’t be in the situation. _I brought this on us both._
> 
> Kathryn felt the tears well up in her eyes at the thought, and she rushed past Chakotay into the shelter.
> 
> “Are you alright?” Chakotay asked, having followed her inside, “I know that’s a stupid question. I just mean…”
> 
> “This is my fault.” her voice cooperated at least, coming out steady, “If I don’t-”
> 
> “Don’t think like that. It is no one’s fault.” 
> 
> He crossed the distance between them, wrapping his arms gently around her.
> 
> “I have to believe that we’ll find a cure.” she insisted, turning her face away from him.
> 
> “I know. You will find a cure.” Chakotay replied, “And when you do we will be commanding officers who can’t afford to be distracted and you’ll push me away again.”
> 
> “So what’s this then?” she asked, turning back towards him to find his face earnest, sincere.
> 
> “Whatever you need it to be: solace, distraction…”

“It looks like they transported the contents of the whole ship.” Chakotay commented, looking over all the supplies Voyager had beamed down, but Kathryn was pretty sure he was just making conversation, trying to break the heavy feeling of the silence and the moment.

“We may have to be here for a while.” A while, not forever, she was careful to say. Kathryn had to believe there was a solution and she could find it, otherwise she’d lose it. “Petri dishes, protein analyzer, DNA sequencers. Everything I need for my research is here.”

“Do you really think you can find a cure?” Chakotay crossed over to stand over her shoulder.

Kathryn couldn’t help feeling that Chakotay’s question had more to it. Do you really want to find a cure? It was peaceful here, idyllic even. They wouldn’t be woken up by red alert in the middle of the night. Moreover, if they were really here forever- No she couldn’t think it.

“It may take a while but yes I do. If I can find a specimen of the insect that infected us, I can begin analysing protein cofactors. That might give us the information we need to find out what it is in this environment that's keeping us from being sick and how to replicate it.”

Kathryn realized she was talking as much to herself as him. She needed to remind herself that she had a plan, that she needed to utilize every moment she had before Voyager got out of comm range. Chakotay nodded, acknowledging her answer, before turning away. He didn’t seem enthused by her optimism, maybe more disheartened; they hadn’t had a personal conversation since the first time they’d been down here, and she wondered if he was still thinking about what she’d said then. 

“Does it matter which way these things go?” he asked with a smile, regaining his usual cheerful composure, setting himself to the task of assembling the standard issue shelter. 

_Maybe I’m giving myself too much importance in his mind._ she considered. After all, he didn’t have the distraction or sense of agency that working on a cure was giving her. She imagined she’d go mad at feeling so powerless.

“I guess it depends whether you're in a beige mood or a grey mood.” she attempted to lighten her tone to match his. After all, she could easily be stuck in a worse place or with a worse partner.

“That's not much of a choice. Couldn't Starfleet have come up with something a little more cheerful?” Chakotay teased back.

“Like polka dots?” Kathryn felt her mood lift with his.

“I was thinking more of a tasteful pinstripe, something in blues and greens.” he suggested and she couldn’t help imagining what he described and thinking that it did sound pleasant, like an ocean. “Well, I suggest we put the grey on the outside and the beige inside.”

“I like that. I've always looked better in beige.” she found herself grinning, falling back into the easy rhythm of companionship they had developed aboard Voyager. “Actually, it might be kind of interesting, roughing it for a while.”

Maybe it would be good for them to have this space, this time, to try and sort things out and get more comfortable with each other again.

“Roughing it?” Chakotay scoffed, “Let's see, we have shelter, furniture, research equipment, tricorders, a replicator. It's too rough for me.”

Kathryn remember Chakotay talking about how much he’d resented his father’s enthusiasm about getting back to nature when he was growing up. She wondered whether now it made him feel closer to him, just as the strictures of Starfleet gave her a sense of connection to her own father.

“We don't have a bathtub.” she pointed out with genuine longing. At the end of a long day in the jungle, she was going to miss the comfort of a good soak in the tub.

“A bathtub?” Chakotay looked a little taken aback, though perhaps he was just surprised that she had mentioned something so intimate, after being so businesslike since she’d insisted they end things.

“I love a bath. It's my favourite way of relaxing.” she smiled, letting him draw his own conclusions. They were going to be here for a while with only one another, and they needed to regain their comfort.

“Captain, I'm sure you can learn to love the sonic shower.” he grinned back, and she wasn’t sure that there wasn’t a hint of innuendo, not that the standard issue shower module would be anywhere near big enough for- Kathryn cut herself off again, disappointed in herself that she was thinking things like that instead of focused on the task at hand.

Still, they were here alone. Maybe this was fortuitous. She took another look at him, at the man fate had conspired to intertwine her life with, not just once but twice. She would be lying to herself if she said that she could imagine a better partner. 

“You know, Chakotay, it occurs to me, we aren't exactly in a command structure anymore.” She didn’t even know where she was going. Was she trying to take back the way she’d ended their arrangement? She wasn’t sure, but she knew that she wasn’t going to get any clarity on this by holding on to boundaries which simply didn’t apply down here. “Maybe you should call me Kathryn.”

Chakotay looked a little surprised. He’d never dared, not even when they were in bed together, and she’d never invited him. He’d always respected the space he could sense she required. Maybe that had been part of their problem, though. After all, in order to be friends with benefits one first had to be friends… as opposed to whatever they had been.

“Give me a few days on that one, okay?”

She didn’t blame him for having whiplash from her mixed signals and how quickly she’d changed direction, not to mention the whole infection and marooning situation. She was also pretty sure he was trying to figure out what she meant by the gesture. Did she want to resume their arrangement? Did she want to take it further? Kathryn wasn’t sure herself. 

As she inventoried the equipment, Chakotay steadily assembled and arranged their living quarters, such as they were. She kept catching sight of him in the corner of her eye, observing that he had stripped down to his undershirt, which clung to him as he sweated with physical exertion in the sun. Kathryn had to resist the urge to stop what she was doing and peel him out of it.

 _That’s how we ended up here!_ she berated herself, the guilt and self blame starting to creep in past the defenses of her focus on making progress. If she hadn’t brought him down here and indulged in a passionate rendezvous, they wouldn’t be in the situation. _I brought this on us both._

Kathryn felt the tears well up in her eyes at the thought, and she rushed past Chakotay into the shelter.

“Are you alright?” Chakotay asked, having followed her inside, “I know that’s a stupid question. I just mean…”

“This is my fault.” her voice cooperated at least, coming out steady, “If I don’t-”

“Don’t think like that. It is no one’s fault.” 

He crossed the distance between them, wrapping his arms gently around her.

“I have to believe that we’ll find a cure.” she insisted, turning her face away from him.

“I know. You will find a cure.” Chakotay replied, “And when you do we will be commanding officers who can’t afford to be distracted and you’ll push me away again.”

“So what’s this then?” she asked, turning back towards him to find his face earnest, sincere.

“Whatever you need it to be: solace, distraction…”

His arms were comforting, making her feel less desperate and alone. _It’s not as if this would be setting a new precedent_ she rationalized, pushing back the thought that if they were stuck here for good she would eventually lose the battle she had waged against falling completely for this warm handsome man with a wicked sense of humor and hands that reduced her to jelly. _Not yet._ She insisted, _Not while there’s still a chance we might make it back to Voyager._

She tilted her chin up and let him kiss her neck though, sighing as she relaxed into his arms.

“Comfort then.” she nodded, “For what has happened.”

“Okay.” he agreed, carefully pulling the pins from her hair as he kissed her slowly, gently, until her hair fell free around her face.

She slowly reached out and removed the pips from his collar and her own. This wasn’t between a captain and a first officer. After all, they weren’t even that anymore. This was two people experiencing loss and trauma together as individuals.

They started stripping each other out of uniform, slowly, each piece they discard one step further they had left the ship behind. _This might be the last time I ever wear this._ she realized, as both jackets fell away. Tomorrow she would put on something else: something unofficial. In a way if hurt to take it off (her turtleneck flung across the room to join his by the replicator) losing such a huge part of who she was: Starfleet and the Federation. At the same time, it was like a weight being lifted as he pulled her undershirt over her head.

Chakotay unhooked her bra and let it fall to the side, hands moving to her breasts: cupping and supporting them. His touch was warm, reassuring, as he took the weight of them from her. She took a moment to relish it, enjoy letting someone take the heaviness for her.

Suddenly, Kathryn couldn’t wait. The need for him took hold of her and she ripped them free of their remaining restraints, literally tearing his pants open as she pushed him back onto the table and straddled him with a single motion while taking him with a groan. 

The slow relief of a moment before was forgotten. She needed him, needed to feel him inside her completely. She shifted her legs, bending her knees higher so that she could take him deeper, completely to the hilt until it was physically impossible to have him more completely. She could feel herself shaking as she gripped him tightly, fucking him intently, hard and fast until she came with a cry that seemed to turn into a sob as she suddenly found herself weeping.

“Kathryn?” He sounded so concerned. She had forgotten she’d told him to call her his name. In fact, she had forgotten that he didn’t usually; it sounded so natural coming from his lips.

“Just let me work through this.” she whispered, riding him more slowly now, but no less intently, as tears streamed down her face.

He ran his hands up and down her back: comforting, tender. She shook violently; he kissed her slowly and she clung to him, losing herself in his skin and his warmth. 

Eventually, she stopped shaking with emotion and instead of clutching his shoulders she squeezed around his cock, going from reassurance to passion… or maybe combining the two. Chakotay cradled her in his arms as he shifted them, laying her down and covering her body with his own as she moaned his name and shuddered with another release.

The heat of his weight on her, the way he whispered her name in her ear, his hands holding her thighs… Kathryn let herself go, let herself give in to the sensations. She allowed herself to drown in the depths of his eyes and the way he was staring at her. 

Kathryn wasn’t exactly sure at what point the tears on her face dried and she flipped them around again, taking him with complete abandon and crying out in ecstasy as she did, the joy of the pleasure they were bringing each other running through her.

He sat up, body pressing against hers, lips buried against her neck, as she brought him to completion, both of them shaking and clinging to each other, long past the point where she would usually pull away and make some casual remark. His warmth was reassuring, as was the feeling of his heart beating against hers, and the way his hands covered her back. 

Eventually, they looked into each other’s faces. She squeezed his hands reassuringly as she slid off of him, not sure what to say, and collapsed beside him.

Chakotay pushed the beds together and returned to where she was curled on the table and carried her to them, holding her close and stroking her hair as he encouraged her to fall asleep in his arms.

It was all too easy to do so. It was only as she was drifting out of consciousness that she realized that this was the first him he’d murmured her name in a lover’s voice, that this was the first time she had allowed herself to lie in his arms and fall asleep there.

When she woke, she knew she needed to sneak away. She should never have slept like this in the first place. Still, the temptation to lie in Chakotay’s warm arms, to kiss his sleeping face, to watch him smile as she wrapped her body around him and they engaged in a leisurely morning exploration of one another… it was strong. 

Instead, she slipped away, out to work on her research and remind herself that this was not a holoprogram, no matter how alone with a dream man on a paradise-like planet she might be. Time was running low for them to find a cure before Voyager was out of comm range. She needed to focus.

Chakotay had fixed dinner when she returned, dinner which smelled delicious, and she could see that he’d been doing his best to make the living module feel more cozy. 

_He’s nesting._ she thought and wondered if it would be easier to be like Chakotay, to accept and make the best of things She supposed it didn’t matter: that wasn’t in her nature.

Still, she could imagine what it would be like to live here with Chakotay and let him feed and care for her, laugh about their days, let him call her Kathryn like her name is something precious. In fact, she couldn’t not think about it. 

She couldn’t help thinking about the way he looked at her when first he caught sight of her in the dress she was wearing, couldn’t help thinking about the night before and the comfort and release he’d given her… they had given one another. 

“I hope you are hungry.” Chakotay smiled, relieving her of her equipment.

“Famished. Dinner smells delightful. Have I got time to sonic off?” she grinned appreciatively. 

“Take whatever time you need. The stew will keep.” he assured her. 

Kathryn tried not to think about the open neck of the shirt he was wearing and the way his sleeves had been rolled up baring his forearms, as she scrubbed clean of the day’s sweat and grime. She really was a mess. It was surprising Chakotay had been able to look at her the way he had as dirty and unkempt as she had been..

She threw on a fresh dress for dinner, considering and then discarding the notion of just wearing a robe as just a little too domestic. 

Over the meal, Chakotay let her go on and on about the sorts of traps she’d laid and the way she was planning on analyzing whatever specimens she’d caught, smiling softly at her.

“It seems like you’d managed to keep busy.” Kathryn commented, looking around at the thoughtful way he’d arranged things.

“I wasn’t sure…” he looked down nervously, tugging on his ear, “I can move the beds back apart if you-”

She found herself leaning over the table, running her hands through his hair. 

“No.” 

That single word escaped her lips and she found herself standing and moving to meet him halfway around the table. They stood there millimeters from one another. She could feel the heat radiating from him, smell the scent of him comfortingly masculine. 

“Does this mean…” he paused, letting her fill in the rest.

“No. I don’t know. I just…” 

Just what? Just needed him? Why? What did that even mean?

“Kathryn…”

The way he said her name felt so right, like he was meant to say it. It scared her a little how strongly she felt that.

“For tonight at least. I’m not sure about anything past that.”

“Okay.” He nodded, and again she got the sense that he wanted more of an answer but he wasn’t going to push.

The first kiss was soft, hesitant almost. Then she melted against him, wrapping her arms around his waist to come to rest against the curve of his ass. 

She let him peel her out of her dress and kiss her her body slowly and thoroughly. She always enjoyed his lips, and tonight there was something more to the feeling, like some wall had come down. He wasn’t being more forceful, if anything he was being gentler, but there was something intense about every slow purposeful move he made.

Her hands ran over his shoulders and then up under his shirt, pressing against his chest as he moved his mouth over the swells of her breasts, his hands cupping them softly. As his tongue run over one of her nipples, Kathryn moved her hands down and unfastened his pants.

She groaned as Chakotay knelt before her, pulling her underwear from her, and licked her clit insistently and completely until she cried his name and then pulled him against her, pulling his shirt from him and wrapping her legs around him as they both sat up, chests rubbing as they ground together towards mutual release.

Afterwards, she traced the lines of his muscles, enjoying the feeling of his skin, her head resting on his shoulder. The whole thing was impossibly intimate, comforting, fulfilling. It was like, here in Chakotay’s arms, nothing was amiss. It was like this was where she was meant to be. Kathryn knew with dead certainty that she could be happy here with him, content, blissful. With every time that they came together like this, every instance where she let him comfort her, let him herself give in to what he was offering, more of her resolve would slip away until she wouldn’t even want to leave.

 _I can’t._ she swore to herself. _I have to keep fighting. I have to get us back to Voyager._ Tomorrow she’d move the beds apart. Tomorrow.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It wasn’t easy for her either; she really wasn’t making any progress on finding a cure and his daily proximity was a strong temptation whether he was stripping out of his shirt in the heat while working on one of his many projects, or staring focusedly at one of his sand paintings in the dim light of the shelter at night, or laughing as they recounted the day’s adventures to one another. Kathryn wished she could trust herself but she couldn’t... not with this.

Chakotay been gone before she’d woken up that morning, though he’d prepared her coffee before he left and it was still warm so he clearly hadn’t left terribly long before. It was becoming something of a growing trend, though Kathryn wasn’t quite sure whether he was making himself scarce for her benefit or his own. Chakotay had handled her decree of separate beds and staying out of one another’s as well as she could have hoped for, a nod with a sigh, clearly disappointed but respecting that this was what she’d decided at least for now.

It wasn’t easy for her either; she really wasn’t making any progress on finding a cure and his daily proximity was a strong temptation whether he was stripping out of his shirt in the heat while working on one of his many projects, or staring focusedly at one of his sand paintings in the dim light of the shelter at night, or laughing as they recounted the day’s adventures to one another. Kathryn wished she could trust herself but she couldn’t... not with this.

Still she couldn’t help wondering what he was up to, how he was really feeling about everything. Ostensibly she was checking her traps to see if she’d caught any new insects, but Kathryn was starting to think she wasn’t going to ever learn anything from them. Instead her mind wandered, thinking about where Chakotay might have gone off to and what he might be doing.

Whatever it was, he was being awfully secretive, and Kathryn suspected that he was up to something. She just couldn’t tell whether that something was cursing her name to the trees or something heartbreakingly thoughtful.

“Catch anything?” Chakotay asked, startling Kathryn who hadn’t noticed he had returned, in reference to the bug trap she was fiddling with.

“Just the same ones as yesterday, and they don’t seem to carry the pathogen that’s infected us.” Kathryn had to admit, “Where have you been?”

“Oh, in the woods.” Chakotay evaded, but he seemed pleased not despondent about it. Clearly he was up to something. Her curiosity was peaked.

“For the past two days, you’ve been spending a lot of time in the woods. Is something going on I should know about?” Kathryn enquired, trying to dig for an explanation without admitting just how curious she was.

“Not yet.” Yes, he was definitely up to something with that grin. His expression dared her to press for more information and she gave into it.

“Not yet? What’s that supposed to mean?”

“It means when it’s time for you to know, I’ll tell you.” Chakotay resisted, clearly enjoying having gotten her interest with his evasiveness.

“Dont I even get hints?” Kathryn tried a different approach, hoping he’d let more slip than he meant to. She too was enjoying the push pull rhythm of this interaction.

“I’m building something.” Chakotay offered with a mischievous grin.

Part of her was tempted to cheat, to use the effect she knew she could have on him if she moved closer, ran her hand down his chest, got into his personal space just a little more. She knew exactly where that was going to lead though, and that was exactly what she’d decided couldn’t happen… not now. She was running out of time before Voyager moved out of communication range.

“Building. What could you be building?” she said as much to herself as to him.

“You can’t stand it, can you?” Chakotay laughed, moving back towards her “You’re like a little kid wheedling.”

She couldn’t help laughing, caught up in his amusement, savoring the flirtatious edge to the interaction without diving completely head first. Still, she was about to fall in, face turning into his, when her combadge reminded her of the situation and why she shouldn’t be.

“Tuvok to Janeway.” The voice of her dear friend and second officer was like a bucket of ice water dumped on them both. She could hardly believe she’d been so close to getting swept up in romantic fancy moments before, those precious last moments she might ever have had to fix things.

“Janeway here.” she swallowed, knowing that there were only two reasons Tuvok might be sending her a subspace message.

“We're about to move out of communications range. How are you faring?” Tuvok’s words confirmed her suspicions, though she thought she could almost detect something resembling regret or concern in her Vulcan friend’s intonation.

“We're doing quite well.” she assured him, feeling quite guilty that it was the truth, “ I'd like to speak to the crew now.”

She could hardly believe she’d felt giddy like a schoolgirl only moments before. It was no wonder she hadn’t made any progress with her research as distracted as she’d allowed herself to become.

“Your comm. link has been put through to the entire ship.” Tuvok informed her and Kathryn found herself thinking she ought to have said something privately to him first. Tuvok was one of her oldest friends, despite his chilly demeanour. She had to hope that he understood without her saying anything.

“This is Kathryn Janeway. I've never liked saying goodbye, so I'll make this brief, but I want you all to know that serving as your captain has been the most extraordinary experience of my life.” Kathryn felt herself tearing up, as she met Chakotay’s gaze, finding it almost as sober her her own feelings. For all that he’d embraced playing house, she realized that this was a hard moment for him as well. From him, however, she drew the strength to continue, “No captain could ask more than what this crew has given. Bravery, compassion and strength of character. But I think what I'll miss most is the fun. The times we joked together, the games on the holodeck. I'll remember the laughter more than anything. Although Commander Chakotay and I won't be with you for the rest of your journey, we know that you'll be the same steadfast crew for Mister Tuvok as you have been for us. We wish you a safe and a speedy journey home. Our thoughts will be with you. Janeway out.”

She just barely managed to say the words without a sob tearing from her throat. In Chakotay’s face she saw her anguish reflected. He’d been keeping himself busy but she knew he felt every bit as responsible for the crew as she did, and he hadn’t even had the comfort and distraction of trying to find a cure.

Kathryn reached out and intertwined her fingers with Chakotay’s for strength, or maybe to lend him hers. She wasn’t sure which it was, perhaps both.

“Thank you, Captain, Commander. I am sure I speak for the entire crew when I say we will always remember your grace and courage.” Tuvok’s words echoed hollowly and her heart ached, “ And I would like to add, it has been an honour serving with you. Live long and prosper.”

He paused for a moment, after speaking, as if giving them the chance to say one thing more, before cutting off communication presumably forever. She didn’t know what to say though. She’d failed.

“Kathryn…” Chakotay’s voice was so different now than a few moments before, all the teasing having drained out of it.

He stood still not reaching out for her, though his eyes certainly did. _Always my steadfast protector_ she found herself thinking, _even when the person I need to be protected from is me_ It would be so easy to say yes, to take the comfort he continued to offer, to lose herself in his strong honest care and the incendiary heat between them. She could have that here and no one would blame her. After all, it wasn’t as if they could catch up with Voyager, even if tomorrow brought a breakthrough.

 __“__ I can’t, Chakotay.” Kathryn gasped, without turning away.

Her mind recognized the impossibility, but her heart and her spirit: they weren’t ready to give up. I’ve done the impossible before some part of her insisted we’ve managed the impossible time and time again.

“I’m not asking you to.” he reassured her, “You’ve got to come to that on your own.”

“I’m sorry.” she almost whispered. Kathryn knew she was being unfair, ridiculous even. He wanted her and she wanted him, and there was no logical reason standing between them. Hell, it was inevitable. They were here together and there was only so long she could deny the parts of her that were already his.

“I don’t require an apology.” Chakotay swore, eyes boring into hers, “How can I help? Just let me be of help.”

As always she was tempted to lean in, to kiss him and let all of reality fade away for a while in his arms. That wouldn’t do, though. He deserved better than that and so did she, better than grief and desperation. That wasn’t how they were meant to come together. Dimly in the back of her mind it registered that the notion that they were meant to do anything went against everything she believed in. Still, she felt it nonetheless. It really did seem as though they would be stuck here now, countless opportunities for course correction. The surety made her desperate to make this right, to separate the future from the missteps that had led them here.

“Chakotay, I…” she trailed off.

“You don’t have to explain. It is hard for me too.”

Of course it was, and she felt selfish for thinking of herself and not of his suffering. She could make this easier for both of them, but she’d never been the kind of woman for “easier”. No. Kathryn Janeway had never been one of take the easy way out.

“Would it be cruel… would it be too much… could we just hold one another with nothing else? I feel so forsaken.”

She had considered fleeing, demanding privacy to grieve and rage alone, but that wasn’t what any part of her really wanted. She needed his strong arms, the warmth of his body enfolding hers. Today was a day for grief, the end of an era. This wasn’t a new beginning, no matter how surely one was coming. Still, she didn’t want to face it alone, and she suspected he didn’t either.

“Whatever you need, Kathryn. Whenever.” he murmured, outstretching his arms and letting her fall into their embrace, her ear resting against his heartbeat.

In that moment, Kathryn knew that this had never been a convenience and never would be. Screwing each other’s brains out these last months she’d been able to tell herself all kinds of things, but she was all too aware that their next kiss, the next time they found each other, it would be irrevocably something else.

She wasn’t ready, even though everything indicated that she had no hope left of returning them to Voyager. She wasn’t ready to give up, to give in, to accept that this pastoral existence was really her life.

“I’ll wait.” Kathryn was certain she heard Chakotay whisper, as he held her close, his hands tracing reassuring circles against her lower back.

 ___Not until I can do this completely,_ __ she told herself, _ __not until I can stop blaming both of us for what’s happened._ __ They were past the parameters of convenience that had once been laid out and she didn’t even have the faintest clue how to negotiate what lay beyond.  All she knew was that it needed more than she had to give it right now.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As she stepped out into the light, Kathryn had to shield her eyes from the brightness; the beauty of the impending sunset struck her in a way she realized she’d been blind to in her single minded focus on her research. As always, there was a split between joy and regret, pleasure and grief. 
> 
> There was a beauty to their life here; she could not deny it. Still, it was not what she’d sworn herself to, not her goal, not the life she’d worked towards. It wasn’t what she’d promised to achieve. 
> 
> “Over here.”
> 
> She turned to find Chakotay in the middle of putting back on one of the loose tunic style shirts he’d favored since they had been marooned here. Her eyes refused to move from the revealed expanse of smooth tan skin and powerful muscles until it disappeared. He wasn’t what she’d set her sights on either, not intentionally, but here he was gorgeous and warm and overflowing with promise. As she looked up to meet his face, she could tell he’d noticed from the smug smile on it.
> 
> It was only a moment later that she realized what was behind him.
> 
> “A bathtub!” she cried out in delight, rushing towards it to run her hands over the smooth carved wood of the exterior, “Oh Chakotay… it’s marvelous.”

“Kathryn…” she heard Chakotay’s voice calling her from outside not a moment too early, “You can come out now.”

It had taken all of her willpower not to sneak out and peek at what he was up to, after he’d specifically asked her to stay inside the shelter for the afternoon. Officially she’d been analyzing samples, but in reality she hadn’t gotten anything done in the last two hours. Kathryn was curious by nature, and she’d been wondering what he was up to for over a week now. Still, she’d promised not to ruin Chakotay’s _surprise_ and she’d just barely managed to keep her word.

As she stepped out into the light, Kathryn had to shield her eyes from the brightness; the beauty of the impending sunset struck her in a way she realized she’d been blind to in her single minded focus on her research. As always, there was a split between joy and regret, pleasure and grief. 

There was a beauty to their life here; she could not deny it. Still, it was not what she’d sworn herself to, not her goal, not the life she’d worked towards. It wasn’t what she’d promised to achieve. 

“Over here.”

She turned to find Chakotay in the middle of putting back on one of the loose tunic style shirts he’d favored since they had been marooned here. Her eyes refused to move from the revealed expanse of smooth tan skin and powerful muscles until it disappeared. He wasn’t what she’d set her sights on either, not intentionally, but here he was gorgeous and warm and overflowing with promise. As she looked up to meet his face, she could tell he’d noticed from the smug smile on it.

It was only a moment later that she realized what was behind him.

“A bathtub!” she cried out in delight, rushing towards it to run her hands over the smooth carved wood of the exterior, “Oh Chakotay… it’s marvelous.”

As she stared at the tub, she kept noticing little details: the embedded jets, the way one of the sides looked like it curved to fit the back of a person just her size. 

“It was the first thing you mentioned missing.” Chakotay said, from right beside her.

“This is what you’ve been up to all this time?” she asked even though she knew the answer. 

“I’m glad you like it.” Chakotay smiled and looked down at the ground.

“Like it… I love it, Chakotay. It’s more than thoughtful… it’s-”

“Just a bathtub, Kathryn. There’s really no need. Why don’t you go ahead and get acquainted with it, while I go inside and make dinner.”

He hesitated for a moment, and Kathryn had to fight to keep the words from flying out of her mouth. _Stay._ she didn’t say. _Let’s experience the tub together. _she swallowed the words. She knew she was reacting to this gesture, to his proximity and the way his shirt was clinging to his sweat covered chest. No. She needed to come to this realization, this moment, alone.__

__He nodded, and turned away, heading towards the shelter and she couldn’t resist watching his retreating backside, warring with herself. What did she really think she was proving, denying them both; because, she couldn’t let go of the past?_ _

__She ran her hands over the taps, turning the water on, and told herself a good soak would clear her mind. She couldn’t keep going like this. Maybe she needed to go off by herself for a few days and get some perspective. She could tell Chakotay it was necessary for her research, but what reason would she give for why he should stay behind?_ _

___Face it, Kathryn, there is no reason._ _ _

__It wasn’t that she didn’t already have genuine feelings for Chakotay, feelings she was hesitant to label but had a sneaking suspicion would limitless depth if she waded through them to test. It wasn’t that she doubted him, doubted the promise in the smile, doubted the gestures which this gift was only the most recent of._ _

__That was the problem, or at least one of them. It seemed like years ago that she’d believed this could be something simple, shallow, physical and only that. If that had been true, if this had just been lust it would have been simple, at least for her. She could have embraced that readily: screw each other’s brains out and then emerge clear headed and refreshed to tackle the problem she was working on._ _

__Shaking herself out of her contemplation, Kathryn pulled her dress over her head, hanging it on the handy hook Chakotay had thoughtfully added to his design, and placed her undergarments over it. Slipping off her shoes, she gingerly stepped into the warm water, sighing at the pleasant sensation. As she’d predicted, the curvature of the tub was perfect, and she felt her body relaxing as she leaned back against it. Well… most of her at least._ _

__She could still call him back, and it was a tempting thought. If she did, though, neither of them would ever know whether it was gratitude or something else that made her relent. She would always wonder whether if she’d held out a little longer she could have changed their fate, rewritten the outcome._ _

__Still, she couldn’t get the image of him out of her mind, imagining how he must have looked as he worked to build this tub, glistening in the midday heat._ _

__She took a deep breath, trying to slow her pulse. She tried to think about protein cofactors or anything other than how it would feel for Chakotay to run his hands over her wet skin. She failed._ _

___Fine then. I give up, if only for a few moments._ _ _

__Glancing back towards the shelter, Kathryn ran her hands down her body slowly. She closed her eyes, cupping her own breasts and remembering the feeling of Chakotay’s hands on them, trying to replicate the way he would run his thumbs over her nipples._ _

__Relaxing further into the embrace of the warm water, she held back a groan at the memory of his lips on her skin, kissing her neck. How did he always know exactly where and how to touch her, kiss her, pleasure her?_ _

__One of Kathryn’s hands drifted down between her legs. She tried to replicate the way Chakotay would circle his thumb against her clit while fingering her, but her hands weren’t large enough to do it with the same one. She moved her second hand downwards to join the first, recalling the hungry expression that Chakotay wore sometimes when he did this, like he was feeding off each of her moans._ _

__She could go inside. She could walk stark naked in there and ask him to do whatever she wanted to her, she could do everything she longed to do him, and she knew he’d say yes._ _

__Kathryn couldn’t help thinking about it, couldn’t help thinking about how he’d lick her clit so wonderfully, till she screamed out his name. She rubbed harder, thinking about how it would feel for him to lift her and press her body up against the structure’s walls, taking her slow and deep until she demanded he fuck her harder._ _

__She didn’t reach her peak though, no matter how fervently she curled her fingers against her front wall, until she thought about the look on his face as he looked up at her while she rode him, utterly enthralled and overcome with pleasure. That was the image that sent her over the over the edge, rolling her clit between her fingers and wishing she had another set of hands._ _

__Running her tongue over her bottom lip, she tasted blood from how hard she’d bitten it to keep from crying out his name. Rolling her eyes at herself, she submerged herself completely in the water, holding her breath as long as possible._ _

___Why are you being so difficult, Kathryn?_ she asked herself. Most people in her position would be enthusiastically enjoying the opportunity. Here she was with no responsibilities with a man whose only desire seemed to be to fulfill hers, and who was damned good at that. Why was she out here by herself getting off to the memory of him instead of enjoying the real thing?_ _

___Because this is it._ This wasn’t just a sexy fling with a handsome stranger. Chakotay knew her and she knew him and they’d already been teetering on the brink of something dangerously profound before ending up here. It wasn’t the sex that scared her, it was knowing that it would be more than that… a lot more. _ _

__Once they did this there would be no more going back, not here, not now that all reasonable hope of getting off this planet was gone. She knew that Chakotay thought she should accept that fact and move forward, but she couldn’t. It wasn’t in her nature._ _

__Kathryn had always believed herself in control of her own destiny, bound and determined to shape the narrative of her life. For many women this would have been a dream come true, a crowning achievement… and perhaps it might have been for her, somewhere and sometime else, but this was not the story she had drafted for herself. Yes, she’d always thought he’d find room for romance, but it wasn’t supposed to be her everything. This was supposed to be a footnote, something in the margins of life achievements: scientific discoveries, humanitarian achievements._ _

__She wasn’t ready to give up on that, no matter the odds._ _

___No. If I did I wouldn’t myself. I would cease to be Kathryn Janeway._ _ _

__So she dried off completely and dressed carefully before entering the structure. If her cheeks were flushed, well that could be from the warmth of her bath._ _

__Chakotay was seated at the table, hair freshly cleaned. _Did he do the same thing?_ she couldn’t help wondering, _Did he fantasize about me in the shower while I did the same in that tub?_ She pushed the thought away._ _

__“I see you got cleaned up as well.” she did her best to say without suggestiveness._ _

__“A shower to cool down was definitely in order.” he smiled and she wasn’t sure if he was being suggestive or her brain was just in a dirty place, “How was your bath?”_ _

__“Glorious.”_ _

__That much was true. The bathtub was a wonderful improvement to life on this planet, and she wanted him to know she appreciated it. As for the rest of it, well she was sure someday she would tell him. Someday she would tell him and they’d laugh, tangled up in each other’s arms and the comfortable pleasure therein._ _

__There was a strangeness to knowing that, to welcoming it, and yet having this resistance to reaching the moment she both wanted and was certain was coming._ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story was supposed to be 8 chapters. I suspect it is going to end up being more like 12. Whoops!


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Turning her face back towards him, Kathryn’s thoughts of scientific inquiry were suddenly snuffed out as her eyes caught sight of the heat in his. She suddenly realized just how little her towel was covering and, now that the threat of danger had passed, was all too aware that this was the least she’d been wearing in front of him in weeks. The playful amusement of a few moments before was gone, as he stared with an obvious hunger. She could feel the intensity of longing in his gaze and the greater part of her thrummed sympathetically, a mirroring desire coursing through her.
> 
> For a moment she was certain that they were seconds from giving in to carnal passion, anticipating the way his lips would seek out that spot on her neck and how the towel would slip from her body as she wrapped her arms around his neck.
> 
> Then, as quickly as he’d started staring, Chakotay looked away.
> 
> “Well, excuse me,” he mumbled awkwardly, retreating back towards the shelter rather hastily, leaving her alone in the cool night air, her damp heated skin burning against the chill.
> 
> Kathryn groaned, slumping against the side of the tub.

As always, Kathryn was surprised to find just how much a soak in the bathtub Chakotay had made her helped clear her mind. All day she’d felt like she was banging her head against a wall, but twenty minutes into her soak she was feeling much more optimistic. Finding a cure once again seemed like an exciting puzzle instead of a hopeless grind, and she had a fresh outlook on how to approach it.

Wanting to share her excitement and all too aware that she’d been short with him at dinner, unappreciative of the effort he must have put into the meal, she called out, “Chakotay, are you there?”

“No, I left an hour ago,” he called back, but his voice was warm, without any of the snide bitterness that she might have if she’d been in his position. 

No, Chakotay wasn’t bemoaning being trapped. She could imagine him in the shelter, working on one of his sand paintings with a quiet sort of complacency. He would sit there for hours, patient in a way she’d never been. 

“I was thinking. Maybe looking for protein cofactors is the wrong approach. Even if I can't find a specimen of the insect that infected us, I could try to learn something about the bio-molecular evolution of this planet's ecosystem,” Kathryn found herself almost rambling, needing to grasp onto the mental momentum of her idea to keep from going down a different path entirely. 

As always, she had to resist the urge to think about calling him out here to join her, had to resist imagining how his hands would feel caressing her skin, massaging the ball of her foot as he smiled and listened to her explain her plan. No. She needed to focus.

“Can’t hurt to give it a try,” Chakotay replied, keeping the safe distance of the shelter between them. He wouldn’t push. He’d just sit there and wait for her to-

Her thought was cut off as something suddenly rustled in the brushes nearby, causing her to jump in surprise. Hastily, she grabbed her towel. They hadn’t been able to detect any large lifeforms on this planet, but who knew what they’d missed, given that something as simple as this virus was eluding their understanding. She cursed herself for getting so careless.

“Chakotay!” she didn’t even realize she was calling for him until after his name left her lips.

“What?” he called back, evidently not realizing the emphasis of her voice was out of anxiety not excitement about her latest idea.

“Someone’s in the woods!” 

_Hurry_ , she thought, her heart racing as adrenaline pumped through her body. Kathryn knew it was seconds but it felt much longer. She couldn’t believe she’d gone out here without a weapon or a light.

Fortunately Chakotay brought both as he came rushing towards her.

“Over there,” she pointed, only to feel foolish as the light fell on their visitor, “It looks like some kind of primate, “ she discovered.

She realized that her assumption that it was a person had been entirely illogical. She supposed she’d just gotten so used to feeling as though she and Chakotay were alone in the universe. 

“I've detected primate life signs here, but I've never seen one.”

Chakotay’s words made her realize that she should have considered the rest of the mammalian population in her cure attempts all along. They’d known there were a variety of animals here, creatures who’d doubtless been avoiding the strange newcomers to their jungle, but until now it hadn’t even occurred to her to seek them out.

“Hello,” she grinned, trying to figure out how best to approach their guest. Food, she considered, food was a universal, “ Are you hungry? Is that why you came here? I'm Kathryn, he's Chakotay. We've had to move into your neighbourhood, but I hope we can be friends.”

She tried to make her voice reassuring, welcoming, but nonetheless the creature retreated, doubtless offput by the artificial light and her and Chakotay’s size.

“Maybe he'll come back,” she attempted to be optimistic.

“Looking for a pet?” Chakotay’s voice was warm, welcoming; Kathryn was almost surprised that the little primate didn’t return at the sound.

“No. Looking for a clue about primate physiology on this planet,” she explained, mind going at lightspeed as she considered how she could possibly use that information to work on a cure, “They must have to contend with insect bites too.”

Turning her face back towards him, Kathryn’s thoughts of scientific inquiry were suddenly snuffed out as her eyes caught sight of the heat in his. She suddenly realized just how little her towel was covering and, now that the threat of danger had passed, was all too aware that this was the least she’d been wearing in front of him in weeks. The playful amusement of a few moments before was gone, as he stared with an obvious hunger. She could feel the intensity of longing in his gaze and the greater part of her thrummed sympathetically, a mirroring desire coursing through her.

For a moment she was certain that they were seconds from giving in to carnal passion, anticipating the way his lips would seek out that spot on her neck and how the towel would slip from her body as she wrapped her arms around his neck.

Then, as quickly as he’d started staring, Chakotay looked away.

“Well, excuse me,” he mumbled awkwardly, retreating back towards the shelter rather hastily, leaving her alone in the cool night air, her damp heated skin burning against the chill.

Kathryn groaned, slumping against the side of the tub.

She would have given in, wanted to give in; Kathryn had to face that certainty. She felt as tightly wound as a pressurized coil, flushed and on edge. If Chakotay had leaned in, hell if he’d just stood there a few moments longer… Kathryn had no illusions that all of her carefully crafted reason had been about to be tossed to the wind.

He hadn’t, though. Chakotay had known exactly the moment she was getting caught up and he’d removed himself, taken the temptation out of her sight. 

_He doesn’t want me to give in to a moment’s impulse,_ she thought to herself, _He wants me to choose more than he wants me to give in._

She was tempted, oh so tempted to call him back out or follow him in and fling herself into his arms. She had more work to do, and she’d told herself she wouldn’t give in to loving him until she’d exhausted all those possibilities, until she was free. She couldn’t give up.

Still. Her whole body called out, screaming with need for him. She didn’t want another round of fantasizing, pretending her hand was his, orgasms that left her jittery and unsatisfied. 

“Kathryn…” Chakotay looked surprised to see her as she strode into the shelter.

“I want you to fuck me,” she told him bluntly, holding his gaze, “I’m not ready, not ready to give up, but I want this. We want this. So let’s try being other people, people who want but don’t care for each other. Can you do that?”

Chakotay regarded her cautiously ,“You want to roleplay? You want to have sex while roleplaying?” 

She nodded, waiting for his response

“Who are we supposed to be then?” Chakotay stepped towards her and her she felt her pulse race, “Vulcans during Pon Farr?”

“Too emotional,” she shook her head, placing her hands against his chest, “Onion slave girl?”

“Too exploitative,” he protested, hands encircling her waist, “Arranged marriage? Opposing sides of a conflict. We both fought against it.”

“But it was politically necessary,” she agreed.

“Of course. Little did I know you’d turn out to be a knockout.”

“I thought you were out,” she smirked, “Which is why I felt so free to touch myself in the bath, but then you walked in.”

“Before we met, we agreed via correspondence that this marriage was just going to be for show, not to be consummated.”

“But now that we’ve met…” she drawled, “I want you desperately.”

He blushed convincingly, “My apologies. I didn’t realize.”

He moved to turn away, but she gripped a fistful of his shirt, moving her arms away from her body to let the towel fall from her. His gaze alone, raking over her body, caused her nipples to stiffen and the moisture to drip down her thighs.

“Let’s not dance around it,” she arched her back to emphasize the curves of her body, “You may be loyalist scum, but if we are going to live together like this…”

“You’re a rabble rousing malcontent, but you’re stunning.”

“Don’t you elitist assholes just take what you want?” she dared him, a moan escaping her lips as his hands clasped her bare skin, “What are you waiting for?”

“Crude,” he commented, but his hands moved to massage her breasts, “such vulgarity coming out of your pretty little mouth.”

“If you don’t like what I’m saying, go ahead and shut me up.”

Just like that she was trapped between Chakotay and the wall of the shelter, his mouth crushing against hers, prying it open with his insistent tongue, as he pinched her nipples. She ground her hips into his, moaning into his mouth.

“Tell me…” he growled.

“Don’t stop. I need you,” she moaned, rocking desperately against him.

“Keep going…” he murmured, lips moving to her throat, “Use that filthy mouth of yours to tell me exactly.”

“Fuck.. your mouth!” she cried out, as he reached down with one of his hands to finger her, sucking against her pulse point on her neck, “It feels as good on me as it is at spouting bullshit.”

His mouth found one of her breasts, running his lips over the curve, before taking the nipple between them and sucking. 

She pushed her hips up and forward into the contact of his hand, and he took the hint and pressed his thumb against her clit, as he swirled his tongue. The man’s mouth… hell everything about him. Kathryn was certain he could probably have convinced her to do anything in this moment, as long as he kept going.

“You’re wearing too many clothes…” she complained.

He curled his finger a little harder inside of her, causing her to shudder in enjoyment, before withdrawing this hand.

“Maybe you should do something about that then,” Chakotay murmured, straightening up, and she groaned, half at the loss of his mouth of her and half in anticipation.

Kathryn was on him in an instant, yanking his shirt over his head and turning them around so that she could press him against the wall instead. She pressed hard greedy kisses against his beautiful chest, running her hands over the smooth skin before moving them down, one hand cupping him through his pants as the other worked them open.

Chakotay moaned, grinding into her touch, and Kathryn dropped down to her knees, wanting to deprive him of control as he so easily did to her. As she pulled down his pants, she kissed his thighs, then she moved her hands back up to his underwear and repeated the movement. She wrapped one hand around his erection, watching his eyes close in enjoyment, before moving her mouth to the base, kissing there before lowering her lips to his balls. 

A cry escaped his lips and Kathryn could feel him pulse against her hand. She sucked lightly, before pressing her tongue up against him and enjoying the resulting shudder. Her thumb traced over the tip of Chakotay’s erection and felt it leak as she timed her tongue with the movement of her hand around him.

Her own desire throbbed with every pulse and moan, aching needily. The feeling of him against her, the sounds he was making, the way his hips pressed forward, all of it was driving her even more wild with desire.

She moved her mouth around the head of his cock, replacing it with her hand cupping his balls, and ran her tongue around the ridge, tasting him. She kept her pace slow, intending to work into a frenzy but not push him over the edge this way.

“Kathrynnn...Spirits! Kath-ryn…”

She was pretty sure she could get as addicted to the way he said her name as she obviously was to the sensation of his touch. It was nearly impossible to remember that they were supposed to be playing roles, not doing this themselves in earnest.

His hands were insistent on her shoulders, pulling her up so that he could claim her mouth with his own and then hoisting her up by the waist and spinning them back around, pinning her to the wall. He moved his hands to her legs, guiding them wider apart.

Kathryn groaned into his mouth, wrapping her arms around his neck and tilting her pelvis so that as he pressed his body to hers she was at just the right angle.

They both moaned, feeling him slide into her at last. He kissed her more softly, hips thrusting slowly. Their eyes met and Kathryn recognized that they were losing the last shreds of pretense.

“Fuck me,” she reminded him, dragging her nails down his neck, “Remember. Fuck me like that’s all you want.”

Chakotay moved his mouth to her neck instead, face buried against her hair, “Like this?” he murmured, taking her harder, as he increased his speed, “You want to be fucked…”

He pushed her legs a little wider, knees higher, long hard strokes causing her to whimper.

“Faster,” she groaned, “So fast and hard I can’t even remember my own name.”

He complied, holding her more firmly as he drove everything other than the pleasure of this moment out of her mind. They both were panting, sweat dripping down their bodies as they slid against one another, and Kathryn gripped his shoulders hard, nails digging into his skin. Chakotay moved his mouth down from her neck to one of her breasts and, as he flicked his tongue across the nipple, she felt herself plummeting over the edge into her climax, sharp cries escaping her lips as he continued to take her through her orgasm.

He kept going, coming down of her release Kathryn’s body was sensitive and every movement he made caused her to shake, but Chakotay didn’t back down. He leaned back slightly, clearly enjoying the sight of her shuddering against him as his cock plunged into her. 

“Is that what you wanted?” he gasped, “I’m going to keep fucking you like this until you tell me you want me to stop.”

Kathryn trembled and her voice came out uneven, “What do you want? Do you like taking me like this or…”

Her voice was cut off as he lowered her legs to the ground, sliding out and kneeling before her to lap her release from her. He grabbed hold of her thighs, holding her in place as he licked her clean and then thrust his tongue inside of her, causing her to gasp, before moving his lips to her clit.

“Oh… oh yes. I didn’t know…”

“That a privileged brat like me would know how to use my mouth,” he paused to help remind them both of their roleplay, before closing his lips around her clit and sucking.

She wanted to reply, tell him that at least it kept his mouth busy, but it was hard to do as another whimper of pleasure overtook her, her hands gripping his hair as her hips thrust into the contact. He swirled his tongue against her clit again, before slipping a finger inside of her and she clenched hard around it, convulsing as he lapped insistently against her clit. 

Her knees buckled and she collapsed against him, legs wrapping around him as he sat back on his heels and wrapped his arms around her.

“You’re magnificent,” she rasped, sliding down onto his cock, before circling her hips, “You might be a good for nothing imperialist but…” she stopped to enjoy the sensation.

“I don’t care. I don’t care that you hate everything I stand for,” he groaned, hands holding her close as he met her thrusts with his own, slow and deep, “I don’t care that this was forced on me.”

She cut him off with a kiss, his attempts to continue playing the part hitting dangerously close to home. He kissed her back, like a man downing, as they rocked together, limbs entwined, until she felt him shake, body jerking as he reached his climax, causing her to let out a cry of pleasure as the warmth of his release flooded her.

Kathryn opened her eyes and looked into Chakotay’s and knew that this had been stupid of her. All this had proved was just how desperately they wanted one another. Hastily, she broke eye contact and pulled herself away, onto shaky feet.

“I should clean up,” she muttered, not waiting for his reply to turn and flee back outside.

Rather than enjoy the comfort of the bath, Kathryn stood shivering as she sponged herself off, wiping the evidence of the encounter from her body. Once again she’d been careless and reckless. Clearly, there was no way to pretend they could go back to the way things that started.

She knew she wasn’t being fair to Chakotay, jerking him around like this, but she had to hope that his willingness to accommodate her hadn’t been extinguished. She wasn’t ready, wasn’t ready for what this was becoming.

When she finally steeled herself to re-enter the shelter, she was glad to see that he’d gotten dressed again, letting her maintain the pretense of normalcy once more.

“Maybe we should be out looking for other primates. I might be missing something important,” she told him, trying to act like the last time they’d interacted was outside when they were talking about the monkey type creature.

Chakotay would understand; it was her way of asking him to play along.

“Kathryn, the Doctor worked for weeks trying to find a treatment for this disease,” Chakotay replied, only half complying, as he avoided the topic of their relationship status but brought up something tangentially related.. 

“Yes?” she feigned cluelessness as to his meaning, not willing to face what he was trying to say.

“You've been at it twelve hours a day, seven days a week since we got here, and we're still no closer to a cure than we were the day we were infected,” he gently prodded, apparently emboldened by her earlier naked display of desire.

“I'm not sure what you're getting at,” she tried one last time.

“My people have a saying. Even the eagle must know when to sleep. Maybe it's time we both considered that,” Chakotay doubled down; Kathryn knew that when he brought up anything related to tribal customs he was about to go in for the kill.

“You mean quit, give up?” she resisted.

“Why do you have to see it as defeat? Maybe it's simply accepting what life has dealt us, finding the good in it,” his eyes beseeched her and the thought was tempting. 

She was tired of fighting and the idea of giving in, of embracing what he had been offering her for longer than she realized, it was appealing as hell. It also did not escape her that he had used us instead of you in the sentence, leaving no room for doubt as to the good he was speaking of.

She could feel his longing for her to agree, give in, relent, and she hated wounding and disappointing him, but another voice within her spoke a truth that she knew she could not escape. She wasn’t ready. Kathryn had never been one to accept defeat and this was no exception. Most people turned back when faced with a seemingly insurmountable obstacle but there was something in her that always found that those kind of odds redoubled her motivation.

She could tell him she wanted to, could kiss him and tell herself it would be okay, but in the end she’d just be lying and disappointing them both when she was out at the crack of dawn tomorrow looking for answers.

“There may be a day when I'll come to that, Chakotay, but, I'm a long way from it right now. I need to keep looking,” Kathryn was forced to tell him regretfully, and watch his look of resignation and disappointment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it has been a long time between updates, but I am very much hoping to get the final chapters finished in the next month or so *fingers crossed*. Thanks for being patient with me, my dear readers.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Making headboards,” he told her, as though it were the most natural and obvious thing in the world. 
> 
> “Headboards?”
> 
> She had not seen that coming. After all, wasn’t making their single separate beds more permanent, like admitting defeat on his part? Not that he had pushed. No, Chakotay never pushed. He just made himself available. He just did all kinds of things to make her feel at home and like giving up was the sensible choice.
> 
> “I’ve noticed you sometimes sit up in your bed to read,” he explained, “I figured you might as well have a comfortable backrest.”
> 
> Yes. That was just like him. She might as well be comfortable. She might as well enjoy the comfort. She might as well enjoy the pleasure he could and would give her. That always seemed to be the message.

Kathryn awoke to the rhythmic sound of Chakotay working on something outside, comforting in its steadiness. The cheerfulness of the bright dress she slipped on fit her mood; for some reason, she felt that today something important was going to happen, somehow. Chakotay had left breakfast, and better yet coffee, waiting for her on the table. She cupped the mug in her hands, feeling its warmth move through her and appreciating the gesture.

Gathering her supplies, she headed outside, feeling energetic as she called out to Chakotay that she was going to check the insect traps in beta four, only to pause and investigate what he was working so diligently on.

“What are you up to now?” she asked curiously.

“Making headboards,” he told her, as though it were the most natural and obvious thing in the world. 

“Headboards?”

She had not seen that coming. After all, wasn’t making their single separate beds more permanent, like admitting defeat on his part? Not that he had pushed. No, Chakotay never pushed. He just made himself available. He just did all kinds of things to make her feel at home and like giving up was the sensible choice.

“I’ve noticed you sometimes sit up in your bed to read,” he explained, “I figured you might as well have a comfortable backrest.”

Yes. That was just like him. She might as well be comfortable. She might as well enjoy the comfort. She might as well enjoy the pleasure he could and would give her. That always seemed to be the message.

“That’s very thoughtful of you,” she told him as she continued on her way; because, it was, “You've done so many things to make our lives easier here. The cooking, for example. I hate to cook.”

He followed after her, leaning over her, the picture of holonovel perfection. 

“But what I do makes you uncomfortable, doesn't it?” he asked her, not aggressively but with a level of directness Every time I do something that adds a personal touch to the shelter, you resist it.”

Here it came again. She could feel the same conversation encroaching on them again. He thought they should focus on the here and now and she thought they needed to focus on trying to get off this planet. She could almost recite both parts by now. Still, she responded like it was new, authentic and sincere.  
“ Sometimes it feels as though you've given up,” she started, “That you're focused on making a home here instead of finding a cure that will let us leave.”

It wasn’t fair of her, she knew. It wasn’t like he had the same ability to even search out a cure. None of his many skills extended to immunology or microbiology of any type. It was more than that, though. They both knew it. 

“I can't sacrifice the present waiting for a future that may never happen. The reality of this situation is that we may never leave here. So, yes, I'm trying to make a home. Something that's more than a plain, grey box.”

She smiled at him. He wasn’t wrong but neither was she.

“Someday I may have to let go,” she conceded, before adding, “But not today, okay? I've tried a new glucose bait in the traps. I have a feeling this might be the day I make a breakthrough.”

He nodded, a patient smile on his face.

She did have a good feeling about today, a feeling that today something important was going to happen. She honestly hadn’t felt bothered by Chakotay’s not so subtle hinting, just as he hadn’t seemed all that perturbed at her continued insistence at pursuing her research. There was almost a comfort to these interactions now, a familiar rhythm.

As she headed away from him towards the traps, she wondered if they’d still be having some variant of this conversation back on the ship if they hadn’t been stranded here. After all, couldn’t the same thing be said of their trek back towards the Alpha Quadrant, a goal they had been likely to be old and grey when they reached, if they reached it at all? She wanted to get home, but she sometimes suspected that Chakotay was just as happy to continue on the journey, after all he wasn’t expecting a hero’s welcome when he returned. 

She brushed away the thought. They weren’t on Voyager, thinking about what might or might not be an issue onboard was irrelevant. She and Chakotay both had to cope with things as best they could. Him with his projects and her with her research.

That didn’t mean things couldn’t change, but today it felt as though it was worth continuing. If she was right that there was still hope and they made their way back to the ship they’d have plenty of time to debate the rest of it. If not… well then they’d have plenty of time in that case as well.

The first few traps held nothing, although she did hear some rustling in the trees.

“Hello? Chakotay?” she called out, thinking he might have decided to come keep her company, as he did some days when he wasn’t focused on any of his projects. Collecting specimens wasn’t exactly work which required a lot of concentration and she appreciated the companionship.

She didn’t get a response though. So she turned to the next trap, which she discovered had caught something. What’s when she heard the noise, looking up to discover the primate from the other night, or at least one like it. 

“Hello again,” she kept her voice soft, wondering how she might lure it closer to get a sample of some sort, “Well, you certainly cover a lot of territory. Or are you following me? Do you understand me?”

The primate pointed at the sky, looking agitated but not moving away, like it really was trying to tell her something… which was a ludicrous thought. She refocused her attention on collecting the insect sample.

“ There,” she said to herself as much as the creature, screwing on the cap to the specimen jar, “Know what that is? That little insect just might be what gets me out of your backyard. What do you think of that, huh?”

The shift in the air was almost instantaneous. Suddenly the light dimmed. The sky, which had been a consistent blue since they landed, suddenly when grey, clouds filling it all at once. The primate howled again.

“What is it? What's happened to the sky? If you're suggesting I should get out of here, I agree.” 

She quickly gathered her equipment, struggling against the sudden gusts of wind sweeping through the jungle. It was hard to keep her balance and the tree branches were slapping her with every step. Her case of equipment pulled her off balance, getting caught by the wind. Every time she was knocked down she thought maybe she should just stay down until the storm passed, but she had no idea how long that would be and it wasn’t safe here.

“Kathryn!” she could hear Chakotay’s panicked call closing in on her. She felt a burst of relief in her chest.

“Kathryn,” he reached her at last, reaching out to support her swaying form with his arm, “Are you hurt?”

“No,” she reassured him, “I couldn't keep my balance and carry the case.”

“Give it to me,” he told her, reaching for the case. The storm was still raging but his steady presence beside her made it feel less threatening.

“That’s happening?” she asked to herself as much as him, though maybe the equipment back at the shelter could explain the sudden change in weather.

“It seems to be some kind of plasma storm,” he explained as he guided them back towards the shelter, steadying and sheltering her with his more solid form, “Our tricorders don't recognise it, but it sure packs a wallop!”

It turned out that the shelter didn’t provide as much shelter as they’d hoped, gusts sweeping right through it and knocking everything around. Kathryn reached out to try and save a tray of samples, but was prevented by Chakotay’s strong arm around her.

“Leave it. It’s replaceable. You aren’t.”

She let him drag her under the table, gentle but firm. There was an almost instinctual drive to try to rescue each piece of equipment that came crashing down, but Chakotay held on to her, arms wrapped around from behind her half in consolation and half as a restraint.

“Oh no!” she couldn’t help crying out as her mass spectrometer met an unfortunate end.

With every destroyed piece of equipment, she felt a little piece of her hope of creating a cure vanish. She knew he was right. She couldn’t save the equipment and it was dangerous to consider leaving the shelter of the study table.

“Shhh…” Chakotay murmured, tugging on her shoulder and encouraging her to turn her body into his embrace and look away from the destruction around them. She let him, feeling herself shaking in his arms. 

“Kathryn…” he whispered, “Don’t think about it.”

Tenderly, he brushed the stray hairs that had come loose away from her face, thumb running softly along her cheeks. His arms were warm and secure around her as she nestled against his body, letting him comfort her. She couldn’t think about what was going on around them. It made her feel so powerless, unable to do anything as all of her work was destroyed.

“Distract me, Chakotay,” he told him, before straining her neck up to press her mouth against his, feeling his initial surprise as his grip stiffened before he processed what was happening and returned her kiss.

The way he kissed her, aching, longing, with a passion that was more deep than wild, set her afire, bringing her own desire well up to the surface. One of his legs pressed between hers, bringing them closer together, and she kissed him harder, hands attempting to grip his hair tightly.

She pushed on his hip, encouraging him to roll onto his back and bring her with his movements, coming to a rest on top of him. She ground her hips into his, groaning as his mouth found her neck. 

“Kathrynnn” he moaned, hands holding her more tightly.

She moved his hands to her breasts, shuddering and pressing her hips harder against his as he massaged them through her dress. She moved hers to his belt, getting it off so that she could get them up under his shirt, mapping his skin hungirly. 

He lifted up slightly, to let her drag his shirt up over his head, moving his hands up under the skirt of her dress to trace the back of her legs as she pressed her body back against his and buried her face against his bare chest. 

She circled her hips, slow but wide and gasped against his skin, one hand against his neck and the other running down his side. His touch on her legs sent a shudder through her and she pressed up enough to allow him to guide her dress up over her hips and trace her waist with his hand, before guiding the dress over her head completely.

His hands came to rest against her ass, guiding her body upward, skin dragging on skin until she was bracing herself with her hands on the ground and her breasts were at the level of his mouth. He reached around to unclasp her bra, kissing along the edge of the fabric.

Shedding the intervening fabric, Kathryn couldn’t help moaning Chakotay’s name as he mouth captured one of her nipples, running his tongue over it and then sucking with a slow steady rhythm which had her writhing against his stomach uselessly.

“So beautiful…” he whispered against her breast, “Spirits Kathryn, you are so beautiful…”

“Chakotay!” she gasped, as he moved his mouth to her other side, “Heavens how I’ve missed…”

She stopped herself, deciding instead to readjust, kissing his cheeks and his mouth and then down his neck and chest, putting her hands to good work in getting his pants and then his underwear off. 

He pulled her closer against him, dragging her underwear off of her and groaning at the sensation of their naked bodies pressed together. His lips found hers and his arms wrapped around her body and he was warm and wonderful against her aroused skin. Their kisses were deep and her hands ran over his face, giving in completely to the enjoyment of him. 

Around them, the storm continued to rage, but it was nothing compared to Chakotay’s strong skilled hands and his soft lips and the wonderful feeling of being pressed tightly against him. His eyes locked on to hers and she couldn’t look away, instead reaching down to run her fingertips along his erection, before taking it in hand and lifting her body slightly, needing to feel him completely.

She slid back down, breasts rubbing against his chest and stimulating her stiff nipples, her legs spread wide as she hooked them around under his, crying out in pleasure as their bodies pressed closer, providing constant contact for her clit. This was how she needed him: close and constant and rocking up into her.

“I love the way you take me,” he gasped roughly, between bruising kisses, “Kathryn, I love it so much.”

“You feel so good,” she groaned, “Chakotay, this is what I need. You are… Oh! Oh Yes!”

Her orgasm hit her suddenly, going from the wonderful plateau of pleasure to an intense peak. She slowed down slightly with a groan, kissing him more slowly now.

“Kathryn…” he murmured, hands running all over her skin, “Kathryn.”

They rolled over, his hands caressing her thighs and hips as she wrapped her legs more firmly around him, whole bodies still pressed together and each press of his hips to meet hers sending a fresh wave of enjoyment through her.

She looked into his eyes and saw the emotion in there, his feelings for her bare for her to witness. 

The storm worked towards a crescendo, as they moved together, locked in an embrace, calling out one another’s names. Her restraint had shattered like the glass of the broken equipment around them. She didn’t just accept the way Chakotay was holding her, making love to her. She reciprocated. She cradled his precious face in her hands with a desperate tenderness. She caressed his shoulders and whispered his name, drinking in the taste and feel of him.

Kathryn had no idea how many times they’d twisted and turned, until finally he shuddered, arching up off the ground against her and eyes rolling back in his head as he cried out, the warmth of his release flooding her and driving her into one last climax.

As they lay there, hearts pounding against one another, it dawned on her that the storm had passed. She also had a nagging suspicion that things would never be the same, that the night had irrevocably changed the situation.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It wasn’t that she was resisting crying. No. The devastation, the sense of loss, was beyond that. She could hear it in her own voice, the heaviness of grief.
> 
> “I'm sorry,” Chakotay’s sympathy felt genuine, despite how obviously he’d been hoping for her to give up her attempts at finding a cure and accept that they were here permanently.
> 
> “Well,” she sighed, taking a deep breath before turning to face him, gathering what was left of her strength to try and show a brave face, for herself more than for him, “That’s one way of letting go.”
> 
> He looked like he wanted to say more, to offer some comfort or hope but she shook her head. 
> 
> “Let’s just work on getting things cleaned up,” she told him, “That will give me the sense of direction I need right now.”

Kathryn knew that she should get up and assess the damage. Maybe it wasn’t as bad as it had sounded; that was possible, wasn’t it? Her body didn’t want to move though, didn’t want to give up the warmth of Chakotay’s skin against hers and the comfort of his hands across her back and the last little tingles of sensation where they were joined. It felt fruitless and strangely distant, abstract even… like a problem for someone else. 

It was that thought that startled her out of her dazed contentment, pulling her face away from Chakotay’s.

“I guess we’d better see how bad it is?” she reluctantly sighed, not meeting his gaze but watching him out of the corner of her eye.

“Right,” he took a deep breath, looking like he wanted to say something else, “That mess isn’t going to clean itself up.”

She pushed up off his chest with her palms flat against it, feeling him reluctantly let his arms drop from her to his sides. Twisting to get out from under the table, she had to avoid shards of broken glass while reaching for her discarded underwear. As she turned back around and straightened up, she found that Chakotay was in that comfortable spot to her left, holding out the rest of her clothes with one hand, as he tried to put his back on with the other.

“Thanks,” she said quietly, feeling more naked suddenly than she ever had in front of him before.

Without her command, without her work, without some formal goal and focus, she felt vulnerable and exposed.

“Maybe we can repair it… replicate some parts…” he followed her gaze around the room and all of the shattered equipment strewn around it, as he pulled his pants on.

She knew he was trying to soften the blow, to give her hope, an out from facing this end. 

Still Kathryn had to sadly shake her head as she pulled her dress back into place, “Even if I could, the energy cost would leave us dangerously low, and I’d have to start over from square one.”

“ Let's check outside,” he continued, undaunted, as he pulled his tunic back over his head, “Maybe some of the insect traps are still intact.”

Despite knowing better, she couldn’t help but be cheered by his optimism. It wasn’t that she suddenly thought that the equipment and data could be retrieved, but that the prospect of facing that reality seemed a little less bleak, as he held out his hand.

A little part of her heart sank as they emerged out into the sunlight and she could see the wreckage. Still, it wasn’t until she bent down to examine in detail the damage to her equipment that the full force of reality hit her.

“None of this is salvageable either,” she had to admit, “There's no way I can continue to do my research.”

It wasn’t that she was resisting crying. No. The devastation, the sense of loss, was beyond that. She could hear it in her own voice, the heaviness of grief.

“I'm sorry,” Chakotay’s sympathy felt genuine, despite how obviously he’d been hoping for her to give up her attempts at finding a cure and accept that they were here permanently.

“Well,” she sighed, taking a deep breath before turning to face him, gathering what was left of her strength to try and show a brave face, for herself more than for him, “That’s one way of letting go.”

He looked like he wanted to say more, to offer some comfort or hope but she shook her head. 

“Let’s just work on getting things cleaned up,” she told him, “That will give me the sense of direction I need right now.”

She’d fallen into his arms too many times now for comfort, to avoid facing the truth, as inch by inch the hope of a solution, of a return to the mission, had been ripped from her. She needed to process this, needed to give it the space it deserved.

“Alright,” he bowed his head in deference, “We’ll focus on that then.”

Kathryn felt a twinge of guilt as she turned away from him to examine more broken equipment and strewn tree branches. She knew she was being hot and cold with him, but she needed this moment to process, to really face what she’d lost, and the more she kept procrastinating… kept distracting herself with the comfort of his touch and the warmth of his gaze… well it wasn’t going to get any easier by avoiding the facts.

The fact of the matter was that there was work to do, and completing it was probably the best therapy available at the moment.

By the time night actually fell, Kathryn was genuinely too exhausted to do anything other than fall fast asleep. She’d always been an active kind of captain, hands on when possible, but she was still unaccustomed to the hard labor and that, combined with the emotional turmoil of the day, saved her from lying awake and considering the future.

The next day was not much different. She could feel Chakotay’ gaze on her, knew she owed him some sort of answer or explanation, but there was much to busy themselves with. The jumpsuit and vest she had chosen for the day were practical (though she wondered if Chakotay had chosen his own vest for pragmatism or because it drew the eye to the strength of his masculine form), clothing for work rather than philosophy, as was the way she resolutely braided her hair despite her ache in her shoulders which made holding her arms up to reach behind her head painful.

Still there was a comfort of working together, even if it was on different tasks. For two years they had functioned as a team aboard Voyager, and it was nice to feel the way that harmony translated to the mundane arena of clearing branches as measuring exterior dimensions on the shelter for replacement parts. 

They worked in companionable silence, punctuated by intermittent observations and playful humor. Kathryn could see the future, and it was prosaic but not unappealing. It felt good to work, not just to work but to achieve something observable, something visible and measurable. 

She considered that they might want to become less reliant on the replicator. Perhaps, she would plant a garden; she couldn’t help smiling sadly at the thought, reminded of Kes.

“I’ve been thinking,” Chakotay’s words interrupted her thoughts, “ There's plenty of wood available here. I could probably add rooms to the shelter, give us a little more living space.”

More privacy, a voice in her head added. Since the storm, Chakotay had been more diligent than ever about giving her space, not pressing the issue of _moving on_ into the arena of their relationship, despite all the reasons she’d given him to believe that would happen.

 _Maybe that’s why he’s being so relaxed about it,_ she considered.

“How would you mill it?” she said aloud instead, continuing her work of clearing the area around the shelter of branches as she asked him the practical follow up question to his suggestion.

“I could do a certain amount with a phaser,” she replied, “But I was actually thinking of logs.”

“As in log cabin?”

The prosaicness of a log cabin and the role it had in American history struck her. There was a certain irony and at the same time appropriateness in being stranded on the other side of galaxy and ending up almost exactly like her ancestors had over five hundred years before.

“I built a few of them when I was growing up. My father thought it was important that I learn how,” Chakotay offered.

“When I was young, my parents took us on backpacking trips. They thought we should all keep a connection to our pioneer roots.” 

She couldn’t help wondering what differences in history associations the cabin might hold for his family. After all, those log cabins were part of a history that pushed his ancestors forward, not by choice but by necessity: all the way to the stars… all the way to the stars and then back again. 

“I hated it,” she confided, instead of dragging the conversation down into ancient history, “No bed, no replicator.”

“No bathtub,” Chakotay teased, catching her eyes as she turned around to grab another branch.

“No bathtub,” she confirmed, “I guess I was always a child of the twenty fourth century.”

“Well, maybe those camping trips helped prepare you for life here,” Chakotay suggested, a hint of tension in his voice, as though he expected her to object to the notion of such order in the universe.

“Oh, no. Life here is much better than that,” Kathryn assured him. 

A soft smile full of hope dawned on his face and Kathryn felt a twinge of guilt.

She was very well aware of the luxury of beds, a replicator… real shelter. This was nothing like backpacking, not really. After all, she DID have a bathtub here. 

It was the first thing Chakotay had repaired that morning, while she was still fast asleep. She’d awoken to find it cleaned out and good as new.

“I think that's the first time I've heard you say anything positive about being here,” he told her gently, not an accusation or a complaint but appreciation.

Still, she felt the need to explain herself. During the storm, when they had lain there together, the truth had seemed so clear, so evident, but clothed and under the sunshine, she couldn’t quite grasp how to proceed. She met his smile, trying to decide what to say, but then suddenly the sound of an animal’s call startled her, drawing her attention away from the conversation.

“Well, hello there,” she softened her voice as she spotted the primate from before; somehow she was sure it was the same one, “ I haven't seen you in a while. Where have you been?”

“Do you expect him to answer you?” Chakotay half whispered, having descended to the ground and followed behind her, stopping to her left and following her lead a she knelt down to the creature’s level, holding her hand out.

“Not really,” she admitted in a hushed voice, “I just sense intelligence in him, and I could swear he came to warn me about the plasma storm. Come here, fellow. Come on.”

“I doubt that he can be domesticated, at least not very easily,” Chakotay counselled, the interest of academic engagement present in his voice. _That’s a tone his students must have been intimately familiar with_ , she thought with unprecedented certainty.

As if on cue, the little creature retreated to a nearby tree.

“Well, we have plenty of time,” Kathryn almost laughed at herself, but then suddenly considered exactly how long and couldn’t keep the change in emotion out of her voice, “The rest of our lives,” she finished somberly.

What was she going to do with all the time? Starfleet had always kept her life so full of activity and now, even when she embraced the devotion he seemed to be offering, that could hardly fill all her time and focus. Beside her she could hear Chakotay breathe deeply in contemplation, drawing her gaze.

“That's a long time,” Chakotay sighed after a pause, looking far away for a moment, as though he too were suddenly a little overwhelmed by the idea, before recovering himself and turning his gaze back towards her with a smile and adding, “At least I hope so.”

Her laughed met his own, comforting and light, and she could feel herself getting sucked into that careless joy.

“Well, I can't give you orders anymore,” she pulled herself back from the cliff’s edge, looking down at the ground for a moment to pull herself together, “but I suggest we get back to work.”

“Aye, aye, Captain,” he agreed as he straightened up, though the emotion of his gaze towards her had not faded with his smile.

They needed to talk. She knew that. She just didn’t know what to say. Everything about the situation was so new, so strange, and yet there was a comfort she felt in him that she wasn’t sure how to convey. Where did they stand, now that all hope of getting back to Voyager had vanished? 

It wasn’t as if they could just skip to the end as if they’d been together all this time, but neither could they start a courtship fresh. They were going to end up together, in more than the sense that they already were: the only people on the planet, but she wasn’t sure where to step onto that path from the tangled jungle that was her emotional state at the moment.

It was entirely possible, that she overdid it physically in attempt to make up for her emotional uncertainty. All she knew was that by the time she was seated, working on a more mental challenge, at the end of the day, she was so stiff she could barely stand it. 

“I guess I'm not used to that kind of work,” she groaned aloud, trying to knead the worst of the tension out of her neck, “My knots are getting knots.”

“Here, let me help,” Chakotay said, not waiting of an answer as he stood and crossed over to her. 

There was a moment where he paused, running his fingers through her hair softly before moving it out of the way, and Kathryn wondered if she should object, tell him it was fine, but her body was already eagerly anticipating the gentle strength of his hands and how they always seemed to know just where she needed them and how.

Her hand fell from her neck as his moved into place, and she couldn’t help letting her head roll back as she leaned back towards him, eyes closing in enjoyment and relaxation.

“Oh, that feels good.” 

The words came out huskier, more breathy, than she’d meant them to. Truthfully she hadn’t even meant to say anything, but every inch of her skin was tingling in reaction to his touch, the way he was working her muscles but also his proximity.

“I've had a lot of practice at this,” Chakotay replied, before clarifying, “My mother used to get sore necks all the time. I was the only one she'd trust not to make it worse.”

It was the kind of little detail of past history they’d taken to sharing here, but part of her knew he was stating it more to diffuse the implication, the memory of how he’d done this for her before in a more erotic context. 

It was almost impossible not to fall into that sort of enjoyment nonetheless, despite her aching muscles; Kathryn’s heartbeat quickened, thinking about how it would feel for him to move his hands forward to run down her collarbone and over the breasts. She thought about him kissing her neck, about how good his touch would feel all over.

The exhaustion and soreness of her body was forgotten as her nerve endings awoke in arousal, imagining the strong precise movement of his fingers down between her legs rather than against her shoulders.

She was ready for him to do just about anything to her, languid with lust, blood pumping wildly. Every movement of his fingertips was working her into a more feverish state of desire.

Then he stopped, hands resting gently against her without moving. Kathryn could hear the shift in his breath behind her as well, heavy and a little strained, but he made no move.

She opened her eyes slowly, processing the situation as she reeled back in the longing that had slipped from her into the open.

Once again Chakotay was backing off, intentionally not following up on the temptation he had provided. She wasn’t sure what to say or do, so for a moment they just paused like two people frozen.

Finally standing she turned to face him. Half of her was sure she should wind her arms around his neck, but the other still didn’t know how to respond to the hope and restraint in his eyes. What did he expect?

“That's much better. Thank you,” she said at last, shaking off the moment of enchantment, and trying not to react to the disappointed resignation that ever so slightly flitted over his face before he could contain it, “Well, I'm going to go to bed now. I'll see you in the morning.”

“Sleep well, Kathryn,” he sighed, and part of her wanted him to tell her not to go, that she should stop running away to no end.

She shoved down the knot of need at her core instead. Her absence of control was truly ridiculous in this instance. 

“Yes. You too,” she forced a smile as weak as his, tired but restless rather than sleepy.

It was no surprise that sleep would not come, not with the knowledge that Chakotay was on the other side of the partition, that he was disappointed, that they needed to figure this out before the awkward avoidance of the elephant in the room overwhelmed them.

As much as the discomfort of unfulfilled arousal, the question of how to define their situation kept her awake.

What were they to each other now? Everything? She didn’t think she was ready for that, possibly ever would be. That was too much for any one human being. Still, clearly the parameters they’d defined back on Voyager, as well as the moratorium she’d instituted the first day they’d visited this planet, were no longer applicable.

They needed to talk, needed to have a frank discussion about what the change in their circumstances really meant, establish more boundaries and guidelines more appropriate for their changed settings. Clearly they weren’t simply sleeping with one another out of convenience, but at the same time how could either of them really know the truth of that now that there were no other options?

How could she show him that the reason an innocently intended shoulder rub had her practically panting with desire wasn’t because he was her only option, and wasn’t just what they had agreed on to begin with? How could she believe that he was choosing her of his free will and not because there was no other choice?

She believed it, in her heart, but wouldn’t there anyways be that nagging little voice?

She didn’t have all the answers, but Kathryn knew they needed to talk.

Chakotay deserved to know how she felt, that the reason she had pushed him away had as much to do with her own heart’s emotions as what she saw from his. They couldn’t go on like this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally this chapter and the following one were supposed to be one chapter, but it just got a little too long for that. Sadly this means there wasn't any smut in this chapter, but the good news is that the next chapter (which does have smut) is coming almost immediately.
> 
> I've also upped the anticipated chapters from 10-12 to 14 as a result, which is good news for those of you who were sad this fic was about to end.
> 
> Much thanks to [Talsi](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Talsi74656/pseuds/Talsi74656) for the moral support/hand holding and also for giving this a glance over. 
> 
> Sorry about the long delay since the last update. Sometimes life/inspiration is just not on your side.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oh Chakotay…” she sighed at last, “I know I haven’t made anything easy for you.”
> 
> “That’s not true,” he insisted, standing and circling the table to her side, without letting go of her hand, “Or weren’t you paying attention?”
> 
> “I’ve fought you every step of the way,” she responded, standing to face him as she dropped her hand from his, “When all you’ve done is try to comfort me... try to -”
> 
> “Love you,” he finished, “Just because I love you doesn’t mean you have to feel the same.”
> 
> “That’s the thing…” the words pulled at her chest, “That’s not the reason I’ve been resisting.”

Kathryn rose, striding back out into the main area of the shelter with more confidence than she felt to cross to where Chakotay was working and sit down opposite him.

“We have to talk about this,” she said simply, although she couldn’t help remembering the last time she’d told him something similar and she doubted he could either.

“All right,” he accepted, like always, though she could tell he was just as tense as she was, wound up in a combination of frustration, hurt, and disappointment.

“I think we need to define some parameters about us,” she told him, trying to hearken back to a discussion that had ended more hopefully, but he didn’t seem to appreciate the attempt.

“I'm not sure I can,” he hesitated, tense and sad, “define parameters.”

For a moment, Kathryn thought she’d suddenly pushed too far, that even Chakotay’s patience had limits. That he was about to demand an answer from her, call her out on her hypocrisy. His voice stayed soft though, slow and measured.

“But I can tell you a story, an ancient legend among my people,” he offered, “It's about an angry warrior who lived his life in conflict with the rest of his tribe, a man who couldn't find peace, even with the help of his spirit guide.”

Kathryn had never known Chakotay to struggle so much to maintain eye contact, gaze darting here and there as he glanced her way to confirm that she recognized the description of himself and then away again.

“For years, he struggled with his discontent. But the only satisfaction he ever got came when he was in battle. This made him a hero among his tribe, but the warrior still longed for peace within himself,” Chakotay continued, sharing what had always been only implied before, “One day he and his war party were captured by a neighboring tribe led by a woman warrior. She called on him to join her because her tribe was too small and weak to defend itself from all its enemies.”

Kathryn felt her heart in her throat as she identified that she must be that woman, unsure of where he was going with this tale, of the way he would characterize her and her actions.

“The woman warrior was brave and beautiful and very wise,” Chakotay said in all earnestness and Kathryn felt her chest tighten with emotion and as she noted that his eyes glistened, as though he were on the verge of weeping “The angry warrior swore to himself that he would stay by her side, doing whatever he could to make her burden lighter. From that point on, her needs would come first.”

Kathryn could not deny that was what he had done, though she had not realized just how intentional it was perhaps, but she was in no way prepared for the next thing he told her, “And in that way, the warrior began to know the true meaning of peace.”

Peace. That was unexpected. She had spent this long while feeling guilty, but here he was telling her that what she had seen as a bundensome sacrifice was instead a source of comfort for him. She could not stop the smile that spread across her face, nor did she want to.

“Is there really,” she almost giggled, a lightness in her heart she had not expected from this conversation, “An ancient legend? 

He bashfully looked down and away, chuckling to himself before answering, “No, but that made it easier to say.”

There was no question what _it_ was. That story had been a declaration and a promise. It was not at all what she’d been looking for when she’d started this conversation, but once again Chakotay seemed to know her better than herself; because, it had warmed her to the bone. 

_Yes,_ she thought, _You are mine as I need you to be._

Kathryn reached her hand out towards him, feeling a tear run down her face as the joy of the moment somehow had knocked down the walls holding it at bay.

Chakotay took her hand in his, interlacing their fingers as his thumb caressed her palm. For a moment they just sat there, staring into the emotion in one another’s eyes.

“Oh Chakotay…” she sighed at last, “I know I haven’t made anything easy for you.”

“That’s not true,” he insisted, standing and circling the table to her side, without letting go of her hand, “Or weren’t you paying attention?”

“I’ve fought you every step of the way,” she responded, standing to face him as she dropped her hand from his, “When all you’ve done is try to comfort me... try to -”

“Love you,” he finished, “Just because I love you doesn’t mean you have to feel the same.”

“That’s the thing…” the words pulled at her chest, “That’s not the reason I’ve been resisting.”

“Kathryn?” his face was so full of guileless hope.

“I’ve been pushing you away; because, I knew that if I stopped fighting it my feelings for you would overwhelm every part of my being. Chakotay, you make me feel whole in a way I can’t even explain. It’s been all too easy to see our future together, how happy you do and can make me.”

“And now?” his voice was soft, almost reverent.

“I don’t see any purpose in denying either of us that possibility anymore. It’s time for me to let go, as you keep trying to tell me.”

“If you need more time...” 

“No,” she shook her head, taking his face in her hands, “I’m not going to waste any more of our time.”

“Kathryn…” he groaned as she placed kisses along his jawline and down his neck.

“It was never just physical, was it?” she murmured.

“No,” he admitted, “Even when I tried to tell myself it was.”

“Thank our lucky stars for that.”

Her lips found his with renewed tenderness and he ran his hands through her hair.

“Your hair is lovely, Kathryn,” Chakotay whispered, “I love when it is free of those buns of yours like this.”

“You can take it the rest of the way down,” she smiled, letting herself soak up the tenderness he was offering her.

His hands were so gentle, so careful, like she was made of something precious.

“I won’t break,” she murmured, “Surely you know that.”

“No,” he replied, “Of the two of us, I’d be the more likely to do that. I don’t know how to say this… I’m indulging in loving you without restraint at last, and sometimes that means… being restrained in other ways.”

“Chakotay…” she was overwhelmed by how inadvertently cruel she’d been to him in her attempts to preserve herself, “It’s I who needs to show you how I feel about you.”

“I meant what I said, Kathryn… anything to make things better for you even a little.”

“You do,” she breathed, “Oh you do... you dearest, loveliest man.”

She needed to make him understand. Kissing him needily she ran her hands over his chest and shoulders, wanting to touch him everywhere at once. 

“There’s no rush,” he entreated her, as she pushed him back against the table, grinding herself against him even as she struggled with trying to get his pants open.

She felt the urgency of the moment, though, felt like the high neck of her nightgown was threatening to suffocate her. Straddling his body with her knees on the table she let it ride up to expose her legs, one hand between them to encircle him, urging him to catch up with her sudden need. 

Things would be okay when they were joined together physically, the gnawing feeling inside her, the nervous energy: they would both be soothed, like they always were by the physical part of their intimacy… Surely better now that she was no longer fighting it.

“There is,” she groaned, pulling her panties to the side to expose herself to him, too far gone to even bother with the rest of their clothes, “You need to understand that.”

She’d always considered herself good with words, but they were failing her now. It was hard to tell him how she felt, even now, but she could show him. That she realized she’d been more than capable of doing before she admitted to herself what she was doing or what it meant.

“Kathryn,” he breathed, covering her with his hand instead of pushing his cock inside of her, “Trust me.”

“I do trust you,” she blurted, “I have all along, even when I’ve refused to let that guide my actions.”

She’d been wrong, actions weren’t enough. She’d done too good a job compartmentalizing. Chakotay claimed that she’d brought him a sense of peace, of contentment, but it was clear he didn’t understand that he had anywhere near the effect he had on her.

“You don’t have to explain…”

“I do though… I want to,” she couldn’t leave it like this, “You have to understand, I’ve never been one for big romantic declarations, my life wasn’t supposed to be defined by that and then you came along like something out of a holoromance, and my brain warned me but I wanted you and oh how good we are together, how pretty much immediately it was the best sex of my life.”

This was coming out wrong, tawdry, cheap.

“It was more than that, though,” she corrected, finally letting go of holding on to the idea that it could be boiled down to sex alone, “You always seem not just willing to fulfill my needs but like you know them, intimately, instinctively.”

“It helps that you have never been shy about letting me know how you want it,” he grinned playfully.

“I don’t just mean that,” she laughed, “Though obviously the way you pleasure me makes me lose all sense of propriety or control.”

“Kathryn,” he reassured her, wrapping his arms around her and holding her close, “When you loosen the iron grip you have on yourself even momentarily around me it is one of the most rewarding things I’ve ever experienced.”

“It’s wonderful but terrifying… terrifying because it doesn’t feel frightening at all. It feels...” she paused, grounding herself in the reassuring warmth of his embrace, “It feels safe. That’s what has been so hard for me to reconcile myself to: that sensation of complete reassurance I get from you.”

“Why is that worrying?” he questioned.

“Because what if I’m wrong?” her voice quieted, “What if I let go and you can’t support the weight of it.”

“Then we fall together,” he replied, standing so that he was literally holding her up as he promised the metaphor, “Because I’m not letting go, ever.”

“It’s a lot to ask one person to be responsible for my happiness.”

“You aren’t asking,” Chakotay corrected, “I’m offering.”

Then he kissed her, slowly, a kiss she deepened, running her hands over his face and feeling the comfort and warmth radiate from him, pulling at her to relax.

“I suppose,” she almost giggled as they pulled their faces apart at last, “We are quite literally the only two people in the entire world.”

“You know, another man might take offense at the implication that you were only accepting him since he was the last one on the planet,” Chakotay teased.

“But you know better,” Kathryn smiled.

“Of course,” he chuckled, “I know perfectly well you’d choose the monkey over me.”

There was something so comfortable, so light about the banter, like they were once again on the bridge leaning over the center console in the middle of a normal day… except they weren’t. 

“You’re going to have to make a new headboard, you know…” she whispered in his ear, before pulling her head back to watch his reaction.

“Oh?” 

She felt him hold his breath.

“It’ll need to be wider,” she smirked, “And I was hoping you might carve some holes to attach the binders to.”

Chakotay apparently couldn’t not groan at that thought, and she felt him stir with renewed life against her.

“You should put me down now,” she instructed, “So that I can show you some of the things I want to do to you while you are restrained.”

She’d never been shy about suggesting what she wanted with Chakotay in this realm, but more in the sense of him providing her pleasure than just how much she craved doing the same for him. Not that she hadn’t done it, just never expressed her need to do so explicitly.

“Take off that shirt,” she instructed, gaining her footing as she lowered herself down to actually remove the rest of his clothing.

“I thought I was clear about the whole your needs coming first,” he groaned as she ran her fingers down his thighs, guiding him to sit down in the chair.

“And I need to give in to the desire to pleasure you...now,” she countered, “Shirt.”

He complied, tossing it aside as she brushed her lips across the head of his erection and a low moan shuddered from him.

She enjoyed the sight of him as she slowly sank her lips down around him, the way his body tensed and then relaxed in reaction, the intensity of his gaze. If she was going to lose everything else in her life and instead gain a man who loved her… well Chakotay wasn’t exactly a poor offering on the universe’s part.

She held onto his thighs, keeping him from moving too much as she began to move her mouth in earnest, sucking as consistently as possible, letting his moans guide her as she for once didn’t hold back.

“Kathryn…” he groaned, “At this rate I’m not going to-”

She smiled against him and then sped up slightly: that was the idea. How many times had he brought her to climax with his mouth and his hands and she had always held back with him for her own benefit. Tonight, it seemed only right that she cross that boundary.

The look on his face as the realization dawned on him was priceless.

“But I-” 

She sucked more forcefully, hands running along the backside of his thighs and over the curve of his ass, shifting the angle just so.

The next sounds out of his mouth were not words.

Cupping his ballsack in one hand, she ran the fingers of the other gently backwards. He shuddered and she felt him twitch against her mouth as her fingertips circled their target, pausing as she looked up at him for encouragement or the reverse. Meeting her gaze he nodded and she pushed ever so slightly into her ass with her little finger as she tested the limits of her restraint when it came to gag reflex by moving her mouth closer still. 

Shaking uncontrollably, Chakotay whimpered helplessly and pushed into the contact. She could feel him on edge, close but instinctively holding back. This wasn’t about her, was about taking care of his needs, his pleasure, for once… but damned if he wasn’t just about the sexiest thing she’d ever witnessed, lost in ecstasy like this.

Humming softly to create the added stimulation of vibrations around him, Kathryn ran her tongue along the bottom ridge of his erection letting him press closer to take more of her finger as she caressed the curve of one of his balls with her other hand feeling the tightening of his whole body.

He tried to pull back, causing the first droplets to spurt just to the side of her mouth, before she held him down against the chair and brought her lips back around him so that the taste of him overwhelmed her, rushing down her throat, as she resumed sucking, swallowing his release until he shuddered, softening against her tongue.

She pressed tiny kisses against his thighs and hips as she relinquished his now spent cock. The cooling cum ran down her jaw to her chin, dripping onto her nightgown. Looking up into his face, Kathryn saw the shock and wonder in Chakotay’s expression, as he reached down and guided her upwards to wrap herself around him, claiming her sticky lips with his own.

“What was that?” he asked softly, cradling the side of her face in one hand.

“Overdue,” she murmured, “Wanted to.”

She could still feel him breathless and trembling against her. She would definitely want to make this a regular feature in their new life, she smiled, thinking about waking him up with her mouth.

“My turn?” he asked after a pause, moving his hands to her hips and placing her seated on the table and adjusting the chair to sit before her.

“Let’s take this damned thing off first,” she suggested, tugging at the stubborn nightgown which didn’t seem to want to go over her head.

It might have been the cool night air hitting her skin, but when she managed to get free on the garment and saw the way he was looking at her, Kathryn’s nipples stiffened to the point where they hurt. Lifting up her hips, she let him guide her damp underwear off, relieved to be rid of the uncomfortable residual moisture of multiple unfinished bouts of desire against her skin.

“Looking at you like this makes me ache with the desire to be inside of you no matter how freshly emptied I am,” Chakotay sighed, guiding her legs over his shoulders as he leaned in closer.

“Later,” she promised, “Remember that bit about there being no rush.”

Then he started licking her clit and she was busy gasping and moaning, rocking her hips against his face and gripping his hair tightly.

It did not take long at all. Not with the way his hands were running over her body, palms rubbing against her breasts, and the soft ecstasy of his lips and tongue. From his current position he couldn’t speak but his fingers and mouth could. They said what they had, perhaps, been saying all along.

“I love you, too…” she moaned, her whole body shaking, “Not just your hands or your mouth… you.”

Because, that is what he’d been showing her, this past while: love. Now she was finally ready to embrace that, to let herself respond in kind.

She could feel him respond, breath ragged against her body as her words sunk in, and then he held her more firmly, enveloping her clit between his lips and sucking until she felt herself going hoarse from crying out in response, shaky arms barely managing to brace her from their position pressing against the tabletop.

Pushing Chakotay back to give herself a chance to recover, Kathryn nearly fell to the ground, her legs giving out under her as she tried to stand.

He caught her.

“Careful…” he murmured, grinning contentedly, setting her back on the table and gently sweeping her hair out of her face, “Think you can stay put for a minute so I can give you a softer surface to fall onto?”

She nodded, not trusting her voice any more than her legs at the moment.

The same sated feeling in his smile overtook Kathryn as she watched Chakotay, pull all the bedding and both mattresses together to an open spot on the floor to create a makeshift bed wider than either of the standard issue cots. 

“This will have to do for tonight,” Chakotay apologized, walking back over to the table and lifting her up once more.

“Tomorrow, I imagine I will get to enjoy watching you begin work on some elaborate four poster?” she chuckled, nuzzling closer against him.

“If you promise not to panic and push me away,” he only half joked.

“Chakotay…” she understood his concern but she needed him to understand, “The reason I’ve been keeping you at arm’s distance is that I didn’t want to do that. I told myself I wasn’t going to give in to my feelings until I was ready to truly embrace them… not just for the night but permanently.”

“You could have told me, you know,” he leaned over her as he laid her down, pressing a kiss to her forehead.

“I couldn’t,” she sighed, snuggling under his arm as he joined her, pulling the blankets up over them, “I barely had it under control as it was… Okay, I didn’t have it under control, as you probably remember.”

“You mean that whole roleplaying business?” he chuckled, pulling her more tightly against him.

“Amongst other things,” she conceded.

“Do you have any idea how difficult it was to stay in the shelter all those times I could hear you moaning my name out there in the bathtub?” he whispered against her ear, sending a shudder through her even as she felt the heat of her blush across her face and chest.

“I thought I was being quiet.”

“I always enjoy how terrible at being quiet you are,” he murmured between kisses between her ear and hairline.

“Oh?” she smiled, feeling a renewed buzz of arousal starting to build as the arm around her shifted so Chakotay’s hand could cup her breast, running one finger lightly over her nipple lazily.

“Like this,” he continued, reaching the far hand across their bodies to cover her pelvic mound. She could feel his smirk as she pushed into the contact, a low moan escaping her lips, “I could spend days just enjoying the sounds you make when I touch you.”

“Looking to make me beg?” she groaned as he ground the heel of his hand against her.

“Never,” he replied hurriedly, “I love when you tell me what you want, to overwhelm you with ecstasy, but I have no desire to make you beg… to subjugate you.”

“You like the idea of me doing it to you, though… don’t you?” she pressed, “I felt you react to the idea.”

“Letting myself be subsumed by your will is… cathartic… and the idea of being restrained and completely at the mercy of your desires…”

“Keep talking,” she gasped, as the friction of his palm against her clit made her ache for more, “Put your fingers inside me and keep talking.”

“Remember how you said you trusted me?” he continued, shifting his hand so that his fingers ran between the lips of her opening, “For me that instinct, that core knowledge that you were to be trusted and followed, it’s not something I have had any urge to resist.”

She shuddered as his lips traced a path down the side of her neck, feeling his fingers becoming slick with her anticipation as they teased her with the lightest of contact.

“I’m not afraid to be vulnerable with you, Kathryn.”

Two of his fingers pressed inward, causing her to arch into the contact with sigh, relaxed and ready for them.

“No,” she acknowledged, “The ways you’ve held back, they were for my benefit not for yours, weren’t they?”

“You wanted parameters so I did my best to give them to you; because, I respect your wishes… your needs.”

Those fingers curled, finding just the right spot against her front wall, and she breathed his name softly, tilting her face slightly so that he had better access to continue over his lips over her throat.

“I don’t need that anymore,” she groaned, “I don’t want you to hold yourself at bay anymore.”

“No more parameters?” he almost purred, the movements of his hand slow and steady as he moved his fingers in and out of her.

“No more parameters,” she agreed firmly, “Just the truth of how we both feel.”

“I love you,” he lifted his lips from her neck to kiss her lips softly, as his hand shifted so that his thumb brushed against her clit as his fingers continued moving inside of her, “without limit.”

She moaned his name, holding his gaze with her own as she writhed against him in enjoyment.

“Should I use my mouth?” he asked, inclining it downward.

“No,” she gasped, shaking her head, “Keep talking to me.”

“I thought I knew what love was before I met you, Kathryn,” he paused, thumb moving ever so gently against her clit, “But the way you’ve become so deeply part of me, the way your needs have become mine, without condition... “

Her eyes were locked on him, as her response failed to resemble anything like words, breath uneven and rapid. The feeling of his touch, the look in his eyes, the warmth of his voice: clear and earnest and true.

“I thought things like that were just hyperbole, the stuff of mythology, ideals to shape people’s behaviors through cultural archetypes,” he continued at a steady pace, drawing the words and her pleasure out in equal measure, “But I was wrong… Because, this is real. You are real and the loyalty, the devotion I feel for you… that’s real too.”

“Chaaa-” she choked, unable to finish saying his name, her whole body shaking.

“When I say you are my peace, my contentment…” his thumb circled ever so softly, constant and gentle, “That isn’t metaphor.”

Then she was clenching around his hand, squirming and overwhelmed, as she hit her peak, nothing dignified or attractive about the squeal of sensory overload.

Chakotay didn’t pull his hand away, but instead just rested it against and inside her, stilling his movements as letting her come down in her own time and way.

“When I say you make me see stars,” she finally sighed contentedly, reaching one hand around the back of his head to pull him down into a kiss, “That isn’t metaphor either.”

“And here you were worried you’d lost them forever,” he smiled back at her, forehead pressing against hers as they beamed at one another.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you again, for the lovely feedback on this fic. It's really made all the difference in my ability to push through when stuck.


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You aren’t going to let this go, are you?”
> 
> “When have you ever known me to walk away while there is still a mystery to be found out?”
> 
> “Only when it was an intentional play in a larger strategy to get at the truth some other way,” he chuckled, running his fingers through her hair and his lips along her jawline.
> 
> “Resistance,” she teased him, “Is futile.”
> 
> “I’m not the one who's spent all the time resisting,” he replied gently but with intention.

At first it was just a warmth, something good and indefinable that she blindly pressed herself towards, only slowly coming into focus. Not just warm: wet. Lips and tongue and oh fingertips against her sensitive skin.

“Chakotay…” she groaned, running her hands through his hair as she reached them down to where his head was buried between her thighs, as she became conscious enough to move with any sort of intention.

“Mmm…” he hummed against her sensitive skin, “You seemed like you could use a hand, the way you were writhing against me.”

“From you,” she shuddered, as he swiped his tongue over her clit again, “Always.”

“Good,” he murmured, “Better not be from that damned monkey.”

She moaned a little louder, as he guided her legs a little further apart, circling her opening with his tongue, before moving back to her clit to suck lightly.

Her body arched up against him, nails raking his scalp lightly as she whispered hoarsely, “More.”

His first finger slid into her easily, over ready as she was.

“Damn, how long have you been down there?” she gasped.

“Not very,” he replied, crooking that finger inside of her as he paused sucking at her clit, his breath alone making her squirm, “You must have been having quite the dream.”

“Reality is better,” she murmured, pushing the blanket aside so she could see, uncovering her responsive body, stiff nipples, swollen lips surrounding where Chakotay now had two fingers slipping in and out of her.

“Tell me…” he groaned, between laps of his tongue against her, “What-”

“You had me on my back like this, legs up over your shoulders… taking me so deep as you leaned back…”

She didn’t mention that in her dream, there was a reason for that angle, a reason he couldn’t press his body against hers like usual, that he was leaving room… for her pregnant belly.

“How high?” he asked, moving his free hand to lift her thigh, “Like this?”

“Higher,” she moaned, “ Wider…”

In the dream, she’d just told him that it was twins, and there had been such joy in his eyes as he’d kissed his way down to her stomach, as he’d lowered her onto the bed.

“You have such lovely legs, Kathryn,” he murmured, “Long and perfectly shaped and just the right balance of firm and soft.”

She arched up towards his lips, pushing his fingers as far into her as possible, as the other hand caressed her raised leg. Riding the waves of enjoyment, fed by his touch and the way those beautiful lips of his dragged across her skin, her response was an incoherent string of moans.

The touch of his tongue was soft against her clit, gentle and warm like being bathed in sunlight. It as a pace that reminded her that yes, they had no schedule to keep, nothing pressing to tear them away from one another.

She moved her hands back to his hair, needing something to grab hold of as she arched higher off the bed. He ran his free hand along the newly exposed section of her lower spine at the based of her back and she shuddered again, gasping his name and giving up on trying to limit the way her legs were shaking.

“More…”

Chakotay slipped a third finger inside of her, but instead of increasing the pace or sucking at her clit, he slowed down even further, massaging her clit ever so slowly with his tongue and then pausing between each stroke.

“Can’t wait…” she groaned, tugging at his shoulders, “I need you now.”

“You have me,” Chakotay grinned, raising his dimpled smile up from her just enough to cause her to sigh in frustration, before capturing her clit between both lips and burying his face closer against her.

“Chakotay…” she almost whined, squirming between him and the bed, “Come up here.”

His lips found her hipbone and her rib cage, her nipple and her collarbone.

“Don’t you like my mouth?” Chakotay murmured against her throat, curving his fingers inside of her, and she dug her fingertips into his shoulders.

“I love your mouth,” she assured him, “But I need to feel you everywhere right now.”

“You need?” he teased, but then he captured her lips with his own, continuing to work his fingers inside her as his pressed against her thigh.

She could taste herself on him, and she reached down to take him in hand, enjoying the feeling of his hardness against her palm and the sensation of his groan reverberating against her.

“Feels like I’m not the only one,” she smirked back, teasing the head with the tip of her thumb.

The withdrawal of his fingers was a rush of frustration, but then he shifted, and suddenly was everywhere. His chest against hers, his hands on her skin, and the press of him inside of her… she let out a cry of delight, wrapping her legs around his as she moved her hands to his back to hold him close.

“There is nothing,” he paused as he got as close and deep as humanly possible, “Better than this.”

She couldn’t help but agree, with him like that, warm and overloading her senses with pleasure inside the confines of his strong shoulders and arms. His thrusts were, slow, strong, and deep: just the way she loved them best.

“Sublime,” she agreed, raking her fingers down his back as she rolled her hips to meet his in perfect unison, “Not losing it’s novelty in the slightest.”

“Good,” he whispered against her skin, “I plan to keep it that way.”

His hands were at the back of her thighs, caressing and stroking, as each time their bodies pressed back together more closely, she shook.

No. Being with Chakotay wasn’t losing it’s luster now that it was at their complete leisure, now that she’d stopped fighting the depth of her feelings, now that I love yous had been exchanged and there was nothing in their way, nothing to do but to bask in the warmth of his devotion and the pleasure of his touch.

She reached her arms back above her head, grabbing hold of the carved wooden headboard he’d made just as he’d promised and used its leverage to press up against him completely.

He moved his mouth against her ear and just the sound of his shaky breathing, strained control, intensified the feeling of his chest against hers, his hands claiming her skin, him rubbing against just that right spot deep inside of her.

He shortened his movements, rocking more than thrusting and she wrapped her legs around his waist and held him pressed tightly against her, shuddering and squeezing as she let out a long fluttering sigh, hands gripping tightly to the wood for support before finally falling limp beside her head.

Her whole body throbbed, shaking at even the slightest twitch of him inside of her, enjoying the soft slow waves of sensation he was sending through her.

Then he covered her back with one hand and moved the other to her waist, twisting to turn them over.

“Kathryyyyn,” he gasped against her ear, as they rolled over, ending with her above him, his hands moving to her breasts and his mouth finding hers again.

“Did that clear up… any questions…” she breathed against his lips, sitting up slightly to anchor her hands against his chest.

“I’m getting a feeling that you might be a fan of this,” he grinned up at her, running his palms across her nipples and she arched back in overwhelmed stimulation, still sensitive and shaking.

“Only a feeling?” she groaned, “Better clear up the uncertainty.”

The playfulness, the comfort, Kathryn knew what they said better than she could articulate. Intimacy. Trust. This was that ever elusive partnership, where all the pieces came together: friendship, passion, trust, fervor.

Now that she wasn’t fighting it, she was aware she’d known all along.

Chakotay pushed up onto his elbows to capture one of her nipples with his mouth, flicking it back and forth with his tongue before sucking on it and she felt her body tighten around him with renewed vigor.

“I love how sensitive your nipples are, Kathryn. It thrills me feeling you react,” he murmured against her chest before resuming sucking.

“I told you I love your mouth,” she groaned, grinding down more forcefully against him, “And your big cock,” she added with a grin, “The first time we were together, I knew I could become addicted to you.”

“Me?” he gasped, “Or… just my… useful parts?”

“You…” she breathed, grabbing hold of the headboard again to support herself as she shifted down to capture his mouth with her own, “Though your enjoyable… attributes were definitely a consideration as well.”

“I knew,” he murmured, arching up into her movements, “Some part of me recognized it when I first laid eyes on you on Voyager’s bridge.”

“That you could get me hooked on you?”

“That you were what I needed. I wasn’t ready to see it then, or believe it… but I felt it nonetheless.”

She lowered one of her hands to move through his hair as she kissed him again, picking up speed as his hands ran all over her backside, sending shivers through her.

“I needed you too,” she exhaled, gripping the smooth carved wood tightly, as she tilted her hips just so, “I didn’t think I was missing anything, but I was.”

She let out a cry, feeling her body shake and squeeze, and then the warm flood of him, filling her with the sensation of raw fulfillment and pleasure.

Chakotay’s breath was hot against her neck, as she stayed wrapped around him, feeling her trembles slow and gentle, hot and cold battling for dominance over her body as the sweat began to evaporate from her skin.

“I’d say I was sorry, for waking you up so early with my...writhing,” Kathryn smiled, idly tracing his shoulders with her fingertips, as she caught a glance at the chronitron out of the corner of her eye, “But I’m not even remotely so.”

“You shouldn’t be,” Chakotay reassured her, not that she really needed the confirmation, “And you didn’t. I woke up awhile ago.”

“Everything alright?” Kathryn pushed up onto her elbows to get a better look at his face, “You usually love to sleep in.”

He did, and there was something odd in his tone that pulled her out of her post coital daze.

“Just an unsettling dream,” he admitted, but there was nothing just about the tightness behind his eyes at the words, “Nothing to worry about.”

“Clearly enough of something to keep you awake,” she objected, “Come on, Chakotay, don’t you trust me?”

“It’s not about trust…” he hesitated, “It’s just… foolish, and I don’t want you to think…”

“You aren’t responsible for what’s in your dreams,” she insisted, curiosity piqued about what could possibly have him so out of sorts and embarrassed.

It wasn’t like Chakotay to shy away like this, not now, when there was no reason he had to.

“But they do reveal things about one, don’t they?”

“After a fashion,” she agreed, leaning back down to kiss him softly, “But interpreting what exactly is being revealed is a dicey business at best.”

He bit his lip, clearly considering what to tell her.

“What if I told you,” she offered, “What I was dreaming about and in return you did the same?”

“I thought you already did,” he pointed out.

“Well…” she bit her lip, “I might have left a thing or two out.”

“You aren’t going to let this go, are you?”

“When have you ever known me to walk away while there is still a mystery to be found out?”

“Only when it was an intentional play in a larger strategy to get at the truth some other way,” he chuckled, running his fingers through her hair and his lips along her jawline.

“Resistance,” she teased him, “Is futile.”

“I’m not the one who's spent all the time resisting,” he replied gently but with intention.

He didn’t have to say anything more for her to understand his meaning. Fortunately, she was in a mood to humor him, at least to a certain point. It might have been more than a mood. These days she found it was easy to flow with his inclinations, natural even. What was more surprising was that it felt right, comfortable.

Then again, that’s what he’d been doing when it came to her, all along. Perhaps now they were just finally in sync.

“And where did all that resisting get me, in the end?” she shook her head, with a sigh and a soft smile.

“Here,” he murmured, nuzzling his face against her neck, “You’ve ended up, right here, with me anyway.”

“I did,” she agreed, “And what a lovely bed to find oneself lying in. In fact I was here in my dream.”

“So you implied.”

“The thing I didn’t tell you,” she rolled over, lying by his side instead of on top of him, “In the dream… I was pregnant.”

“That’s not funny, Kathryn,” he snapped, with an unexpected harshness, sitting up abruptly.

“Who said it was supposed to be funny?” she asked, taken aback.

What was that supposed to mean? There was a hardness to his tone that struck a nerve. She felt exposed, and for the first time in weeks it bothered her.

“Why’d you say it at all?”

There was a sharp note of suffering in his voice, which pierced through her. Feeling wounded lost out to concern, at least mostly.

“Chakotay?” she drew herself up, kneeling with her arms crossed over her body, “Tell me what’s wrong?”

“Did I say something in my sleep?” he snapped, “And you thought it would be funny to tease me?”

“Something in your sleep? About what?”

“Drop it, Kathryn. It’s not-”

“Talk to me, Chakotay.”

“Let it go.”

He pursed his lips, drawing in on himself. Evidently she’d stumbled onto a sore spot, but she had no idea why. Why wouldn’t he talk to her? She had to admit to herself that it was one of Chakotay’s most frustrating qualities, the way he went quiet and tight lipped when upset, the way he refused to raise his voice, to fight with her her.

“Chakotay, tell me what I said to upset you. It wasn’t intentional.”

“I’m asking you to drop it,” he told her, voice so soft but agonized, “If our positions were reversed you’d want me to respect the boundary you were drawing and I would, I do, even when it pains me. Just please… don’t.”

Torn between worry and anger, she found herself retreating.

“Fine,” she snapped, though it felt anything but, turning away from him to place her feet on the ground and reaching for the closest piece of clothing she could find, “Just remember this the next time you decide to complain I’m freezing you out.”

Kathryn knew, logically, that he was right. That she’d held up barrier after barrier, boundary after boundary, and Chakotay had let her without much in the way of protest, waiting patiently for her to lower her shields.

That didn’t mean it didn’t hurt, that her head wasn’t spinning trying to figure out why he was so angry at her for a detail in a dream she hadn’t expected push back on.

Why?

That was the thought that plagued her as she finished dressing.

Why?

That was the echo inside her head as she walked outside of the shelter. (She half expected him to call her back. He didn’t.)

Why?

She’d said and done a lot of hurtful things to Chakotay and he’d never held them against her. This… well the only conclusion she could come to made her feel sickened.

The depths of her vulnerability, of how easily Chakotay’s words (or lack thereof) had crushed her, hit her with the full force of its impact and she choked back a sob that didn’t want to leave her throat.

They were all alone here, all alone and Chakotay had done nothing up to today be be kind and giving and keep up his promise to put her needs first. Now though… Kathryn couldn’t shake the terrible feeling that swelled inside her rib cage and up through her neck.

What was his problem? He kept wanting her to open up and now suddenly he didn’t want to talk… it was such an abrupt reversal she felt like she was suffering from whiplash.

What was that dream that was keeping him from sleeping?

Kathryn knew she should take a deep breath and relax, let this moment flow from her, but she couldn’t. Instead she replayed the conversation over. He’d been acting strange the entire conversation, but it wasn’t until she’d started talking about her dream that he’d shelled up so completely, rather than rebuffing her concern with a gentle playfulness.

 _He panicked at the idea of us having a child_ , she enunciated mentally.

Chakotay loved children, valued family, had shared with her his hopes and determinations to someday be a better father than his own. He’d shared with her how fractured his relationship his father had been before his death, but it has been with a tone of wistfulness.

 _It wasn’t as if I was suggesting we have them?_ She complained to herself.

Clearly, here on this planet that was impossible. She hadn’t thought about it, not directly, not until now, but that much was clear. No one, in good conscience, could bring children into a world whose population consisted only of their parents and siblings, and which they would in all likelihood never be able to leave. It would be consigning them to eternal loneliness.

It was a muggy day, and by the time she reached the river Kathryn was grime covered and sweat soaked. Clearly she’d moved more quickly than she realized.

Staring into the water, Kathryn saw her own featured refracted back at her, couldn’t help thinking about how they might have melded.

“I wanted that,” she whispered into the jungle, realizing the source of the wound.

In order to let go of Voyager, to let down her walls and let herself love Chakotay, Kathryn had already had to give up so much. She’d given up on being captain, on ever getting home, but now she realized there was more grief she hadn’t faced or processed.

Would the layers of it never end?

I will never be a mother,” she swallowed, tasting the irony of finding love and leisure to enjoy it, finding a man so nurturing and supportive, and at the same time these very things precluding something she’d always thought of as for later but certainly not never.

There was something about saying it, about the words coming out of her mouth, the ring of truth in them. No matter Chakotay’s motivations, the truth was that she needed to face this reality, however painful it was. 

The river called to her. Stepping in carefully, she took one step and then another, letting the water tug and and soak her skin and dress. The coolness of its touch was a sharp relief to the heat of the day.

She leaned back, feeling the water against her neck and hair, before ducking under completely, feeling a sense of release as the water surrounded her.

In the dim embrace of the river, her options were clear to her. Kathryn could keep resisting, keep insisting on trying to change things, fight the reality she’d already realized was inevitable. Why, though? The truth was that she was happy here, happy with Chakotay. The thing that had been making things hard all along was her stubborn refusal to let go, even when all reasonable hope was gone.

 ___Let go,_ s__ he commanded herself, closing her eyes and diving as deep as she could.

She emerged from the water feeling a great deal better. The shadows were almost nonexistent on the water, with the sun so high up in the sky. Apparently she’d lost track of time.

“Kathryn!” she jumped in surprise at the panicked tone that called her.

Turning, she saw Chakotay racing towards the water, barely pausing to throw his phaser and tricorder aside before rushing into the current.

“Don’t you scare me like that!” he exclaimed, reaching out and tugging on her hands, “I know I shouldn’t have left things like that but I-”

“I wasn’t trying to scare you,” she assured him, pulling a hand free only to reach up and caress his cheek, “I just needed to cool down.”

“I was being selfish,” he apologized.

“You did hurt my feelings,” she admitted, which was harder than shrugging it off would have been, “But of course you’re right. I’m just still clinging to things I need to give up on.”

“I wouldn’t have been so bothered if it wasn’t hard for me to let go of this one.”

“It was a stupid dream.”

“So was mine,” he swallowed, pausing before adding, “Didn’t make it feel any less real.”

“Wait you…”

Some piece of the puzzle fell into place as she extrapolated from his words.

“Dreamed about us having children, even though I know it’s an unreasonable fantasy we can’t-”  
 

Selfish. She realized suddenly just how selfish her thoughts had been.

“So when you told me to stop…”

“It hurts to think about it, that there is a price for this… more than not getting back to Earth… one that’s a steep price for me.”

“Oh, Chakotay...”  
 

“I closed off because it hurts, Kathryn. I know I’ve been the one to tell you to let go, to accept what you can’t change… but I still can’t help wishing-”

She wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed him, suddenly understanding his reaction.

“I didn’t mean to press on a wound. I didn’t even know it was something you thought about, Chakotay. You’re so careful about my feelings and not pressing the wrong way, and I honestly didn’t even consider…”

“I didn’t tell you,” Chakotay replied, “I didn’t want you to worry about that on top of everything else.”

“I wish you would. The way you get quiet when you are upset with me… it’s worse than if you threw a fit befitting a Klingon.”

“I don’t like to let negative emotions get a hold of me. That’s not the person I want to be, Kathryn.”

“Does that mean you can’t talk to me? You accuse me of bottling my emotions, but don’t you do the same thing?”

“Maybe I do,” he sighed, “I don’t know how else to not explode sometimes and I don’t want to be that person, not with you.”

“We share this,” she said with a certainty she was not actually sure she possessed; because, what she was saying was so unlike her she couldn’t believe she was saying it, “This isn’t something that needs to pull us apart. We’re together in it. It’s not us against each other. It’s it against us.”

“I want to make it better for you…” he promised, “More than for myself even.”

“I feel the same,” she realized, “Chakotay, I need you to know that it’s difficult but I’m not sorry I’m here with you. Yes, I’d go back in time and change my decisions to not end up stranded, but not so that we wouldn’t end up together… because I believe we could make it happen under better terms.”

“My father used to tell me that there’s a reason for everything that happens to us, and I always rolled my eyes, pointed out all the nastiness is our lives that didn’t feel necessary, but I look back at it all now and without all of it I wouldn’t be here now. I would never have found you.”

“Fate?”

“Would it make you more comfortable if I said luck?”

“I’d know you were humoring me.”

“Don’t I always?” he smiled, softly, just to the point where his dimples started to emerge.

“Usually,” she had to admit, “I want you to be able to tell me what you really think, though.”

“Kathryn, of course I want to be able to imagine that future for us together… I always thought oh, I’ll do it better, raise my kids better than my father did me, be better… The truth is that is something that’s harder to let go of than the idea of getting back to a home that probably no longer exists. We could stand here and build sandcastles about having a family… but I don’t want to wallow.”

“You would have made a wonderful father, Chakotay,” she murmured, holding his face in her hands and looking up into his eyes, “You don’t have anything to prove.” 

“I’d still rather be here with you, than have everything with someone else.”

She kissed him again, the water swirling around them, midday sun beating down on their wet skin, and he lifted her up off her feet and into his arms.

The waterlogged weight of the skirt of her dress got in the way as she tried to wrap her legs around him and Kathryn found herself frustrated by the obstacle as she did her best to lay claim to more of him with her hands and mouth.

Chakotay, in the tunic which was now translucent, here in the middle of the water’s sparkle, was something of of a holonovel. It was more than that, though.

“I need you to tell me,” Kathryn stammered, between kisses, “That if the situation were different, you would.”

“If the situation were different,” Chakotay assured her, switching his grip to carry her bridal style, “There’s nothing I would want more.”

Then he lifted her up out of the water as he reached the edge of the river and laid her down on the bank, only to have her pull him down on top of her.

“Together,” she murmured, hands wandering all over his body, “We’re in this together.”

“Always,” he agreed, returning her kisses with a fervor, hands pushing the heavy weight of wet cloth up her thighs, “No matter what happens.”

There was no teasing, no holding back, as she arched up into his touch, hands trying to find purchase on anything solid as he traced over her underwear, warm fingers radiating through thin material, dragging them down her legs, kissing down between her breasts. Kathryn hooked one leg around Chakotay as she fumbled with his pants, trying to get them down, needing him closer, feeling his skin like a fire against her clammy damp thighs.  
 

“Kathryn…” he groaned, calling her name in that way that was so particularly his, as she stroked him from interested to fully ready, shaking a little with each pass of her hand.

He moved to reach one hand down between them, but she captured his wrist and pulled it up above her head, using her leg around him and her free hand on his backside to steer him towards her.  
 

“You don’t have to try so hard,” she whispered against his ear, lightly nipping the lobe as she angled her hips up and guided him inside of her for the second time in the day.  
 

She didn’t need to be prepared, treated, teased. She just needed Chakotay, needed to feel his urgency rising up to meet hers.  
 

He rocked into her, mouth moving all over her neck, as she moaned, gripping his shoulder blades as she arched into the contact.  
 

He mumbled into her skin with each slow thrust full of intention and power. She grabbed hold on him in the all the ways possible, open to Chakotay in a way she couldn’t even express, feeling them melt into one another.  
 

“It was never just the sex,” she gasped in his ear, as they came together completely, “Even when I wanted it to be.”  
 

She could feel him pulse in reaction to her words, and all it took was a little shift of her hips to have him spilling himself against her front wall, driven by her words and her body, a reaction that had her making a choking noise of delight as her whole body contracted around him in enjoyment and release.  
 

“So I take it…” he mused idly, some moments later, pressing a kiss to her forehead, “You are not longer angry with me.”  
 

“I wasn’t angry, not really… I was wounded.”  
 

“Did kissing it make it better?” he grinned with a hint of mischief as he pushed himself up off the ground into a kneeling position and took her hands to help her follow suit.  
 

“It was better before that,” she told him knowing he already was aware, as he pulled them to their feet, “But the kissing, always is an improvement on the situation with you, isn’t it?”  
 

He readjusted his pants, as she looked around for her underwear, and then gathered up the phaser and tricorder he’d left behind and their shoes.  
 

“Next time we decide to get hot and heavy in the river… let’s remember to undress first,” she chuckled, looking down at her damp and dirty dress.  
 

“Agreed,” he concurred, placing his arm snugly around her waist as they started the walk back to the shelter, “We’d better clean off when we get back.”  
 

He let her have the first sonic shower.  
 

Really the stall was small even for her, how did Chakotay manage in there? Kathryn couldn’t help reflecting as she was scrubbing the mud out of her hair; she considered that they might want to think about constructing something more comfortable… for both of them.  
 

There were a lot of improvements they could make to their living situation here, she realized. Though she’d stopped fighting to try and find a way back to Voyager, Kathryn was struck with the realization that she’d still been acting as if being here was just an interlude… albeit a sweet one. She hadn’t started to even consider what looking forward along their new trajectory might resemble.  
 

She found a spark of excitement within, as she decided to change that.  
 

Yes. She was already laying out the plans for the next six months as she braided her hair, considering the limited seasonal shifts from the telemetrics reports she’d received before coming down here.  
 

“You look busy?” Chakotay commented, as he emerged from his own shower to find her sketching out designs for a greenhouse and calculating the ideal positioning of different plants for cross pollination.  
 

“Just because we can’t reach everything, doesn’t mean there isn’t still a lot to create here.”

She felt just how true that was as the words left her mouth.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about the long delay between updates. Hopefully I'll be able to get the final chapters out before the end of 2016.


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I needed to,” he told her, “I needed to let go, to surrender myself, for so long, the tension of it twisting within me, but I never could before, not until you found me.”
> 
> She remembered him as she first laid eyes on him, tightly wound, alert to just shy of jumpy. Coiled in on himself and ready to lash out at any sudden movement. They’d locked eyes when he’d beamed onto Voyager’s bridge that first time and she hadn’t quite been able to explain it, the shift, something primordial and deep, the subtle shift of his posture and the way he held his jaw. 
> 
> “Too bad we can’t sent Starfleet a thank you card,” she teased.

Chakotay was, Kathryn mused, a work of art on nature’s part. Perhaps, she mused, if she’d been someone else, she would have seen it as evidence of some higher power with a plan. Could such exquisite synergy of genetics be completely by chance? 

She enjoyed these early morning hours, when he was not yet awake but the sun had woken her and for a space of time she would indulge in watching him as she’d had a premonition the consequences of that first time they’d come together and looking at him naked and sated in her bed had sent alarm bells ringing in her head.

There was no alarm to sound now, no red alert to jump to. Now she could make a habit of starting her day this way, studying the planes of his face, the texture of his skin, the way his chest rose and fell with each breath. Looking down at him, as she lay propped up on her elbows beside him in bed, she smiled instead.

He’d twisted at some point in the night, exposing most of his chest and stomach one leg from the hip out from beneath the covers, and Kathryn reached out and gently ran her hand over the uncovered sections, starting at one shoulder and continuing down, widening her fingers to cover where his heart beat beneath his skin, feeling the steady rhythm. She dragged her fingertips down his stomach, careful to avoid tickling his sides where he was sensitive to such light contact, and then curved her hand around his hipbone, tracing the path inwards towards where the blanket was trapped between his thighs with her thumb. 

He made a noise, closer to the contentment of a cat’s purr than a moan, throwing one hand above his head in a way that strained the muscles of his body from where her hand lay upwards. Kathryn followed the movement, consuming him with her eyes as she returned her gaze to his face, the slanted light of the morning sun casting shadows which threw the angles of his jaw and cheek bones into sharp contrast.

Yes, a masterwork for sure. Something along the lines of one of the Rodin sculptures cast in bronze that she used to see when she’d haunted the Legion of Honor art museum when she wanted to walk to clear her head on a rainy days while she was at the academy. She’d never quite been able to quantify why those particular pieces riveted her so strongly. She wondered, idly, whether Chakotay had spent much time there, while a student or a professor before his defection. But yes, she decided, whatever it was about Rodin that had stood the test of time and remained compelling, it existed living and breathing in the form of Chakotay.

What those sculptures evoked the promise of, was made flesh and sleeping here beside her. _Like Galatea_ , she teased herself, _If you brought him to life with all your juvenile longing as you stared at art, that explains some things._

Of course, she considered as he twisted a little further and the covers slipped further down his body, if that was so she’d made some improvements.

Leaving the hand on his hip where it was, Kathryn shifted her body sideways, placing her other hand back at his heart where she could feel him react when she buried her face again the thigh opposite the first hand. 

He stirred slightly, as she nuzzled closer, taking in the warmth radiating from his skin, the scent of him, and placing soft kisses against the crevice between his leg and the rest of him. She shifted her hand inwards from his hip and felt him come alive under the gentlest brushing touch.

“I love you,” she whispered into his skin, slowly closing her hand around him and feeling his body press upward into the contact, pulse increasingly slightly.

His hand moved to cover hers against his chest, as she slowly began to stroke him towards hardness, all the while continuing to kiss the sensitive skin along his hip bone and down to his inner thigh. 

“Mmmm…” he murmured, still at least mostly asleep from the limpness of his hand on hers and the angle of his head half buried in the pillows, “Kathryyyyn…”

She smiled into his skin, moving her hand down to cup firmly as she leaned in closer to let her mouth replace where it had been. She kept her movements slow and gentle, not wanting to wake the rest of Chakotay up as she continued to coax his growing erection with the warm gentle pressure of her mouth.

Soon, soon he would slide into consciousness, into full awareness of her touch, but for the moment she was content just to enjoy the instinctual reactions: the purity of truth to that. Unconscious, he could enjoy without consideration, without any sort of check or compromise, she relished that as he pressed against the inside of her cheek.

_That’s right, dearest, just feel._

He really did let out a moan then, flinging his arms wide and arching his whole body upward. She stared at him beneath her, spread out on the bed, and the luxurious beauty of the sight overtook her.

Patience wasn’t exactly her strong suit, even if perseverance was. She shifted, adjusting her hands as she guided his thighs apart to move between them, slipping her lips further down his length even as she gagged a little, running her hands over the solid muscle of his thighs.

As she sucked around him, fingers digging in a little to grip him harder, his eyes fluttered open, blinking momentarily and then focusing, a smile spreading across his face as he seemed to reorient and take stock of the situation.

“Good morning to you too,” he grinned, before letting his head fall back against the pillows with a long low groan, as she ran her tongue over a particularly reactive spot.

“You,” she murmured, taking him firmly in hand even as she started to move up his body, licking her way towards his belly button and then using her free hand to adjust further, “Are ever so tempting to wake up to.”

“Oh really?” he replied as his hands came to rest around her waist and encouraged her journey upwards, “Just how is that?”

“You’re like a piece of artwork,” she said it outloud, enjoying that it sounded just as good outside of her head as in it.

“I thought you weren’t supposed to touch the paintings,” he teased, running one hand down over her hip and the other up her ribcage to cover her breast.

“Now where’s the fun in that?” she chuckled, wrapping her arms around his neck and leaning down to kiss his lips as their bodies brushed one another.

She shifted her legs to straddle his, rubbing her body against his as they kissed, and groaned as they made more firm contact.

“You know,” he murmured, “I used to hate waking up in the morning, but you’ve changed my whole outlook on the matter.”

“I used to hate lounging around in bed in the morning,” she offered, “But you’ve converted me on that front.”

“Good,” he told her, “Because if you run off at the crack of dawn, how am I supposed to do this?”

As he buried his face against her neck, sucking lightly, she shifted, aligning her body so that she could slide down onto him, their sharp inhalations of breath mirroring one another. 

“Or that,” he breathed, meeting the movement of her hips with his own.

“Mmmmm” she murmured in approval, adjusting to fit closer against him, “That would be a tragedy.”

For a while there was no more need for words, as she indulged in the joy of his body on and in hers, the feeling of him hard inside her, the pleasure of his lips, the beauty of him under her as he threw his head back in rapture as she ran her palms up his chest on both sides and rocked.

The pleasure of claiming his exposed throat with her mouth, pressing hungry kisses up under his jaw.

The sweetness of his moan as she raked her nails through his hair, dragging them down as she ground her hips in a circle.

“Please,” he whispered, reaching his hand out to the nightstand he had constructed for them.

She took the binders he’d pulled out from him and gently guided his arms up over his head to the right spot in the headboard he’d carved for them as promised, firmly holding his wrists in place as she closed the binders in place to secure them.

She used his chest for leverage, as she pushed her torso up a little to get a better view of him, exposed under her and loving being so, squirming in enjoyment as she slowly resumed her movements.

“Yes,” he groaned, “Kathrynnnn…”

“You,” she told him, “Are so incredibly sexy… especially like this.”

Part of her wanted to pull back and take the time to kiss and caress all of him, from his head down to his toes, but the thought of relinquishing him inside of her made her ache in anticipated frustration. So instead she leaned forward and kissed him with noticeable force, hands grabbing hold of his shoulders as she worked herself over him.

She felt him tremble a little, reacting to her words and her actions. It affected her just as powerfully as it had the very first time, the pleasure in his abandon, the way he so clearly relished giving over control to her.

“I love you,” she whispered into his ear as she pulled herself closer, “I love having you, completely.”

“Kathryn,” he shook, noticeably even more aroused inside of her, body arching up under her touch, “Oh!”

“Wonderful,” she indulged in sucking at a spot at the base of his neck, “You’re wonderful.”

She shifted her straddle of his body slightly, shuddering along with him as their bodies met again, running her hands over his body. The truth was that his submission, the way he gave himself to her without restraint, made her want to be more tender with him, to inflict upon him her appreciation, her enchanted awe and deep bottomless enjoyment.

“This,” she paused, squeezing harder around him, caressing his skin and licking the hollow of his throat, “Is wonderful.”

She came with a light gasp, nothing drawn out but just a sudden release of the tension that had built inside of her, feeling her whole body relax.

“I’m going to go down on you now,” she primed him, “I’m going to touch you everywhere I want… which is everywhere. Would you like that?”

“Y-y-yess,” he stammered, reacting to each slow intentional thrust of her hips with his entire body, “Oh yes.”

“Beautiful,” she sighed, tracing his chest with both hands before lifting off of him, brushing his nipples with feathery light touches. He was so wonderfully sensitive, her Chakotay. She couldn’t resist rubbing along the length of his erection, both of them soaked with her enjoyment.

His lips were parted, perfect and tempting, and she thought about using them for her own benefit, but no he didn’t need to be restrained for that, left to his own devices Chakotay would see to her pleasure a thousand times without pausing for his own.

One of the advantages to taking Chakotay in her mouth instead of between her legs, was being able to really hold onto his thighs and backside, to caress and grab and massage. She guided his knees up, shifting her head to account for the change in angle, as she took advantage of the way the back of his thighs were now better avaliable for her to hold on to.

There really was nothing more beautiful than this, Chakotay exposed before her, relaxed, aroused, restrained and enjoying every moment under her control.

“Kathryn,” he moaned, “You always know…”

She made more pronounced use of her tongue, one hand staying under his thigh and the other moving to splay her fingers wide against his stomach, keeping him in place as she increased her pace ever so gradually. 

As always, she hit a spot of resistance, Chakotay, pulling back into himself suddenly, “Wait but I-”

“Will stop fighting me now,” she interrupted, “Chakotay, give in to me. That’s what you wanted to happen, isn’t it?”

“I just..” he started but then he exhaled deeply, releasing the tension from his limbs.

“There you go,” she murmured, running her lips over his inner thighs, “Relax into it. I’ve got you.”

“You do,” he panted, as she redoubled her attention, “Oh yes, Kathryn, you have me.”

_Come,_ she thought, enveloping him as fully as she could, holding as much of him as possible.

And he did.

Tears leaked out of the corners of his eyes as he whimpered her name, shaking, gasping. Kathryn chased his movement down into the mattress, keeping her lips closed around him, riding out his shudders and moans, refusing to let him cut himself off short.

“There you are,” she murmured softly, finally sitting up before crawling back up to cover his body with her own, kissing her way up his outstretched arms before releasing them from being bound. Chakotay, wrapped them around her, burying his face in her hair as she nestled hers against his neck, feeling their hearts still racing against one another.

“So good,” he sighed in response, “Relinquishing myself to you is so damned good.”

“I think so too,” she smiled, arching into the soft small circles he was tracing on her back, “Love when you let go for me.”

“I needed to,” he told her, “I needed to let go, to surrender myself, for so long, the tension of it twisting within me, but I never could before, not until you found me.”

She remembered him as she first laid eyes on him, tightly wound, alert to just shy of jumpy. Coiled in on himself and ready to lash out at any sudden movement. They’d locked eyes when he’d beamed onto Voyager’s bridge that first time and she hadn’t quite been able to explain it, the shift, something primordial and deep, the subtle shift of his posture and the way he held his jaw. 

“Too bad we can’t sent Starfleet a thank you card,” she teased.

“Dear Starfleet Command, Thank you for not only selling my people out to the Cardassians but being so self righteous you actually sent a ship out to hunt me down for defending them. If you hadn’t been so hypocritical and vindictive I would never have found peace and happiness.”

He was making a joke. She knew that, but something inside her protested, souring the post coital haze.

“We’re never going to have anything but replicated food if I don’t get out of bed and check on those seedlings,” she changed the topic abruptly, pulling away from their embrace.

“Mmmm…” he protested half heartedly, “But it’s so nice here in bed.”

“It is. So you,” she disentangled herself from his arms, “Should enjoy that for a while more. Sleep in some more if you want so you are nice and rested up for our hike later.”

They’d developed a habit of afternoon treks into their surroundings, trying to get a better sense of their new home. It was something to do, some vague sense of task to keep from feeling aimless.

“Are you sure it’s the hike you want my energy for?” Chakotay grinned up at her from the bed, looking so wonderful she really did think about just crawling back into his arms and sleeping the day away.

“I guess you’ll just have to wait and find out,” she replied, leaning over and kissing him soft and teasingly, before sliding off the bed and reaching for the nearest pieces of clothing she could find.

The dress, she had to admit to herself as she headed out the door, was not the most pragmatic of gardening outfits. Still, it felt good to put her hands in the soil, to pluck out the tiny weeds threatening to invade their tomato patch, to see the new growth on the seedlings since her last visit.

_I’m sorry I rolled my eyes at you _, Kathryn sent out a silent apology to her parents.__

__As a child she’d been impatient, eager to move on to new things, but kneeling here in the dirt on this planet, she finally thought she saw the beauty of making something as provincial at a tomato plant grow. All her life, Kathryn had been racing forward, but day by day she was starting to discover the appeal of planting roots and building something that stayed in place._ _

__“How are they coming?” Chakotay’s voice didn’t startle her; she had accepted him as part of her environment, part of herself almost._ _

__“Very nicely,” she told him, still caught up in the high of productivity, “We should have vine-ripened Talaxian tomatoes in a couple of months, unless this planet has the equivalent of tomato bugs. Oh, they're awful.”_ _

__“I would never have thought of you as a gardener,” Chakotay smiled as though charmed by the revelation. That seemed to be his default reaction to some new facet of her, though she wondered how far that could possibly stretch._ _

__“ I grew up around farmers,” she explained, diffusing whatever mystery he might be building around her, “My parents insisted we learn some basic gardening skills.”_ _

__“Did you hate that as much as camping?” he grinned, voice light and teasing, and she was struck by how different this conversation felt from that first one, when they’d first been stranded here and talking about something as prosaic as camping had felt like walking on thin ice._ _

__“Of course. Who wanted to muck around in the dirt when you could be studying quantum mechanics?” she laughed, feeling free and weightless, “But I find it very satisfying now, watching the seeds sprout and grow.”_ _

__The same could be said of other things, of the primacy of their relationship in her life for instance. She’d never thought of romance as the center of her world, or even a top priority, and yet here she was as happy as she’d ever been with only Chakotay’s love to explain it._ _

__“If your tomatoes could spare you for a minute, I'd like your opinion on something in the house,” he didn’t quite ask and she wondered what he was working on this time, maybe designing some sort of windows since she’d mentioned that it was a shame not to see the view. When had they started calling it the house instead of the shelter? How much longer before it became simply home?_ _

__“Well, you've come to the right person,” she accepted, shooting him a mischievous grin, “I always have an opinion.”_ _

__“Really?” he teased back, “I had no idea.”_ _

__It took her a moment to make sense of the blueprints on the screen. When, she had to ask herself, had she last looked at a computer representation instead of something real and tangible?_ _

__“What do you think?” Chakotay asked, clearly eager for her approval and she blinked and clicked back into the right kind of a focus._ _

__“A boat!” she exclaimed in delight, as the picture suddenly translated in her mind into an actual object._ _

__“You said you wanted to explore the river,” Chakotay explained, though he didn’t really need to. This thoughtful little project was part of a much larger pattern of him taking her offhand comments and finding a way of making them a reality. “I think I could build this.”_ _

__It was just like Chakotay to underplay what he could and would do. He wouldn’t have shown her the schematics if he wasn’t sure. That was Chakotay, balancing her relentlessness with caution and careful perspective. It wasn’t that he couldn’t be decisive. She’d seen that side of him more than once. It was that he had the ability to be a sort of chameleon, adapting to whatever the situation needed and becoming that thing. Kathryn recognized it because it was something she’d always aimed to do, but it had never come naturally to her. She could grit her teeth and do what needed to be done, but not with the grace and naturalness that Chakotay inhabited whatever space he filled._ _

__Once again she was struck by just how little she’d understood what she needed from him before, but how he had mostly managed to be it anyway, even as that shifted constantly._ _

__“We could go on a camping trip,” she replied, again thinking back to their first conversation after being stranded here and just how impossible the way she felt now had seemed._ _

__“I’m not sure we could fit the bathtub in the boat,” Chakotay grinned mischievously._ _

__“Well, that’s all right,” she smiled back suggestively, “I’ll have the river.”_ _

__She was just about to suggest they both take a trip down there for a swim, remembering the feeling of his body slick under the water as she wrapped herself around him, water rushing-_ _

__It took her a moment to even recognize the sound of static. From the look on Chakotay’s face he was similarly disoriented._ _

__“Do you read me? Repeat.”_ _

__It couldn’t be. Voyager was long gone by now, beyond hope. And yet… she knew that voice._ _

__For a moment it occurred to her that she might be dreaming, that this whole thing might be nothing but an elaborate dream. But then what was the dream? This life on New Earth with Chakotay? Or Tuvok’s voice echoing now?_ _

__“Do you hear that?”_ _

__“Yes,” Chakotay confirmed, springing to action out of both of their shocked stillness and going over to retrieve the comm badges she had almost forgotten were there._ _

__“To Captain Janeway, do you read me? This is Tuvok calling Captain Janeway and Commander Chakotay. Please respond.”_ _

__“This is Janeway.”_ _

__Her voice sounded odd somehow, like it was a coming from someone else._ _

__“Captain, it's good to hear your voice,” Tuvok’s uncharacteristic sentimentality cut through her stunned numbness, “We have news.”_ _

__“What is it?” she asked, not sure what she wanted or expected the answer to be._ _

__“We have medicine which we believe will effectively treat your condition. We plan to be in orbit within thirty hours.”_ _

__And just like that everything changed. She was relatively sure that she… or at least they, responded appropriately and assured Tuvok that they would be packed and ready. Inside, though, her entire world was spinning._ _

__This was what she had wanted, stiven for, been driven by. A cure. Voyager would be hers once more. Home. They were going home again. She ignored the voice that whispered that she had already been home: that home was waking up in Chakotay’s arms to the rustling of the trees, was the garden they’d planted. Earth, she reminded herself. Real Earth._ _

__This was good news… a miracle._ _

__So why did she feel so heavy? Her ears were ringing as she collapsed dizzily into the nearest chair. Was it just the effect of everything changing so quickly, a sort of worldview motion sickness?_ _

__“Talk to me,” Chakotay kneeled down in front of her, his eyes searching her face._ _

__“What is there to say?” she swallowed._ _

__“Kathryn...” Chakotay reached out her her, his voice soft, like something trying to soothe a nervous animal._ _

__“I can’t, Chakotay,” she turned away from him, from the hope and fear in his eyes, trying to make some sort of sense out of the swirl of emotions assaulting her._ _

__“Don’t shut me out,” he entreated, one hand softly coming to rest against hers where they lay listlessly in her lap, “That’s all I’m asking for.”_ _

__“I need time to process,” she told him._ _

__“Time to talk yourself out of us, time to justify and rationalize to yourself, you mean.”_ _

__His voice took on a sharpness she hadn’t heard since Voyager left them here, hurt and struggling not to lash out, as though she was pushing him away instead of him assuming. Though, was it really such an assumption? As soon as he said it, the vague twisting feeling in the pit of her stomach took shape at last. Of course that was what she was dreading, though she hadn’t even realized it yet._ _

__“That’s unfair, Chakotay,” she shot back instead of denying the conclusion he’d jumped to about where she would end up ten steps from now, “You know this changes things.”_ _

__“So what? I was just barely good enough for being the only man on the planet and now that you aren’t going to be stuck here I’m back to what? An inconvenience?”_ _

__She knew he was hurt, that she wasn’t the only one reeling, that his bitterness was only natural… but it stung. Still, she wouldn’t make it worse, wouldn’t descend to a level they’d both regret._ _

__“It’s more complicated than that. But the truth is that nothing has changed in terms of the reasons this wouldn’t… couldn’t work on Voyager.”_ _

__“Nothing’s changed? I see. So all that insistance that you loved me was what?”_ _

__He looked like she’d physically struck him. She wondered if he could see the same devastation written on her face._ _

__“Just how deeply I’ve fallen for you is only more reason we can’t bring this back to the ship.”_ _

__She moved to lace her fingers with his, but he pulled his hands away._ _

__“So what? I’m supposed to just flip off my feelings in the next day and a half? Go from forever to nothing? Act like this didn’t happen?”_ _

__She settled for putting her hands on his shoulders, though the gesture seemed inadequate._ _

__“It’s not like it’s going to be easy for me either, Chakotay.”_ _

__

__“And what… I’m supposed to tell you that making it easier for you is more important than the way you are breaking my heart?”_ _

__That dart hit its target, reminding her of all the little things he’d done, and of that night… the night she’d finally accepted that she loved him, that they loved each other._ _

__“You’re the one who started this,” she snapped, feeling brittle and vulnerable, “Who started with the assumption that I was going to end things.”_ _

__Would she have? Is that the conclusion she had been bound to reach before either of them said a thing? Or was he inadvertently steering her this direction?_ _

__“Oh and was I wrong? Where you perhaps going to tell me that we would find a way to make it work, that you loved me, complications be damned?”_ _

__“I… I don’t know,” she admitted to them both._ _

__“Say we will make it work,” he entreated, changing from defensive to vulnerable in a way that threatened to disarm her, made her want to sink down to the ground and wrap herself around him and never let go, “Tell me we should be happy, that now we can have it all.”_ _

__Voyager, she remembered. She was the captain. Parameters._ _

__“I can’t,” she felt the knot welling up in her throat, “I wish I could but I just don’t see how.”_ _

__“Together,” he told her, and she wanted to say yes, wanted to throw herself into his arms, wanted to believe._ _

__“I don’t want to promise what I can’t keep,” she pushed away from the contact she had with him, stumbling backwards out of her chair, “Time, Chakotay. I need you to give it to me like you always have before.”_ _

__She could see he wanted to protest, wanted to tell her it was different, wanted to do something to make her stay. Another person would have, would have closed the distance between them and used the truth between their bodies to pull all sorts of reassurances out of her. He could have. She would have kissed him back, would have cried that she loved him, that she needed him. Not Chakotay, though. He sighed, shoulders deflating, and bowed his head in acceptance._ _

__She fled. She almost sprinted out into the jungle, ignoring the way the branches caught her dress. (She’d be back in uniform tomorrow anyway.)_ _

__Getting some distance didn’t make her feel any clearer, any closer to a solution or more at peace with the lack of one. No. That sick feeling wasn’t going to go away, no matter how she ran. Chakotay. It was hard to think of anything else. She knew he was back there, hurting every bit as much as she was. They had less than 30 hours left and what was she making of that time?_ _

__She turned around. With a deep breath of resolve she headed back._ _

__“Chakotay?” she called out, returning to the shelter to find it empty, “Chakotay!”_ _

__She found him, standing outside and staring at the bathtub he’d so lovingly made her, lost in thought._ _

__“Kathryn?” he shook his head, suddenly registering her appearance, “Are you alright?”_ _

__“No,” she sighed, “I don’t suppose I am, but then how could I be?”_ _

__“You came back,” he observed. The shadows were long, creating a pattern of leaves across his face, as the sun dipped down towards the horizon._ _

__“I shouldn’t have run away,” she admitted, “It was cowardly. What are you doing out here?”_ _

__“I was just trying to remember it all,” he looked sheepish, “For later when memory is all I have.”_ _

__“Oh Chakotay…” she closed the distance between them, wrapping her arms around him, “I don’t want to give us up.”_ _

__“I know,” he murmured, resting his head against hers, “I do know, Kathryn.”_ _

__“There’s so much I meant to say. So much I thought we had all the time in the world to do...”_ _

__“And now,” he finished, “we have one day.”_ _

__One day. It wasn’t nearly enough. One year wouldn’t have been enough. One lifetime hardly seemed like it could have been._ _

__“Take off your clothes,” she commanded suddenly, reaching to pull her dress over her head._ _

__“Kathryn?” he looked a little confused._ _

__“You made me this beautiful tub and I always thought… well that eventually we’d enjoy it together. Get in,” she added, unhooking her bra and shimmying out of her underwear._ _

__There was plenty of room for them both to sit, but she draped herself around him anyway, resting her head against his chest so she would hear the rhythm of his heart beating._ _

__“I’ve been so happy with you, Chakotay,” she murmured._ _

__“Kathryn-”_ _

__“Don’t ask me to change my mind,” she sat up taking his face in her hands, as she remained in his lap, “I just need you to know that I do love you, not just for lack of other options, that I want us… that hopefully someday we’ll make it home again and I… I want this to be my happy ending.”_ _

__“And Mark?” he mentioned reluctantly._ _

__It was something they didn’t talk about. Something that had been both too pointless and too piercing. There though, in the bath he’d built for her on the planet that had been their oasis, the truth was clear._ _

__“Even if we got home tomorrow,” she shook her head, “You can’t marry someone when you love someone else.”_ _

__She kissed him, slow and deep, the warm water surrounding them as she lost herself once more in the feeling of Chakotay._ _

__How could she give him up? She didn’t know, only that she would have to. He would know. She thought once again about how he moulded himself to his situation, to her needs, to the ship._ _

__“I love you,” she told him again, hands anchored on his shoulders as she rubbed herself against him, “I love you and I can’t imagine that ever changing.”_ _

__“Then love me,” Chakotay shuddered, hands running up her back, “What’s the use in trying to lock it down? I know the ship and the crew have to come first, but just-”_ _

__“Stop,” she interrupted, “Please, let’s just be here now. Tomorrow will be here to take this from us too soon as it is.”_ _

__She kissed him again, as his hands moved to caress her breasts, feeling his arousal growing against her. The setting sun cast a warm glow over them as she moaned his name, arching her back to allow him to lean forward and suck on one of her nipples as the movement exposed it to the air. His mouth, she thought, no one else had ever, would ever..._ _

__His hands moved to her hips, lifting her slightly and she wrapped her hands around his neck, pulling herself closer against him. The last time. She didn’t want to think that it was the last time but she had to, as she sank back down onto him, relishing the thickness of him pressing her open, her nails digging into the back of his head._ _

__“Kathryn,” he groaned, tracing her hipbones with his fingers as they arched into one another, the firmness of him inside of her a point of contrast from the soft embrace of the water everywhere else, “I…”_ _

__“I know, Chakotay,” she murmured, moving one hand to his face to wipe the gathering tears from under his eyes, “Shhh. I know.”_ _

__His kissed her back hungrily, one hand splaying across her back as the other stayed low. He didn’t need to say anything to tell her how he felt, how he loved her, how he never wanted to let her go._ _

__He lifted her up, exposing half of their bodies as he stood, the shock of the air intensifying the feeling as he pushed deeper inside of her once more. She wrapped her legs around him firmly, gripping his beautiful broad shoulders as she leaned back to intensify the angle. Reaching back, she steadied herself with one hand against the edge of the tub behind her and he moved both hands to her thighs, guiding her legs wider as he held her in place, water sloshing over the edge of the tub with every thrust._ _

__“Chakotay!” she cried out his name as she writhed in pleasure, the sensations driving everything else from her mind, “Oh Chakotay!”_ _

__The light faded, more quickly than she felt it had any right to, leaving them in the darkness, as they consumed one another, their cries echoing into the jungle._ _

__“This is our truth,” she gasped, knees on either side of him as they sank back further into the remaining water, “Whatever else happens from here out, nothing can take this truth from us.”_ _

___Not even me,_ she didn’t add, as she traced his face with her hands, mapping its planes one last time. One last indulgence, one last chance to enjoy what she had had. Tomorrow she would be Captain Janeway again, but tonight she was still just Kathryn._ _

__His hand reached down between them, dextrous fingers erasing everything outside the tub for a brief space of time. Her head fell back. She saw stars._ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to Talsi, for once again talking me through writing, and to the Hard Chakotay crew for added reassurance. I'm not going to promise anything about the final two chapters, given that this last one was like seven months later than I'd hoped, but we are in the home stretch people.


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kathryn looked blearily in the the mirror at herself as she pinned her hair in place for another day. Another day on the bridge, another day of reminding herself that everything was fine as she pointedly ignored the tug she felt across the console, ripping her apart. 
> 
> Those dark circles under her eyes were going nowhere, she accepted, just as she’d accepted at not quite 0500 hours that she truly wasn’t going to get any more sleep (again), not when she kept waking herself, reaching out for warmth and reassurance only to find herself grasping cool empty sheets on the other side of the bed.

Kathryn looked blearily in the the mirror at herself as she pinned her hair in place for another day. Another day on the bridge, another day of reminding herself that everything was fine as she pointedly ignored the tug she felt across the console, ripping her apart. 

Those dark circles under her eyes were going nowhere, she accepted, just as she’d accepted at not quite 0500 hours that she truly wasn’t going to get any more sleep (again), not when she kept waking herself, reaching out for warmth and reassurance only to find herself grasping cool empty sheets on the other side of the bed. Voyager’s climate controlled recycled air felt chilly, compared to the tropical air soft and warm against her skin that she’d grown accustomed to on New Earth. 

Had it really already been a week? Had it **only** been a week? It felt like ages since she’d had a full night’s rest, instead of tossing and turning, feeling the absence of Chakotay beside her. It felt like a lifetime of swallowing the ache of the distance that had to remain between them, even as they sat side by side. At the same time, she still felt like it was only a dream, like at any moment she might wake back in their bed on New Earth, safely ensconced in his arms.

A part of her almost hoped for some sort of problem, a crisis to make her feel alive, give her a sense of purpose, focus, vitality. 

She tucked the last strands of hair in place, immobilized and controlled, and reached out for her uniform jacket. She knew she should eat in the mess hall, instead of using up precious replicator rations, but she needed coffee… REAL coffee not whatever “better than” substitute Neelix was hawking this week. 

_Get through the first three hours of your shift on the bridge and you can have some as a reward,_ she bargained with herself, deciding to skip eating altogether and dive directly into work. There was, as always, an overflow of reports that needed review and authorizations she needed to give.

Tuvok may have raised his eyebrows slightly when he came onto the bridge but he didn’t say anything about her being early, again. Chakotay, on the other hand, was running slightly late. She thought that she really ought to make a point to remind him of the importance of setting a good example for the rest of the crew regarding punctuality. After taking one look at his clearly exhausted face and the forced smile he offered her as he took his place to her left, she didn’t have the heart to.

_Two hours,_ she mentally adjusted, surely she could make it two hours on the bridge for the reward of coffee.

She was keenly aware of him there, as though she could feel the heat radiating from him, even from the other side of the console. She pointedly kept her eyes fixed ahead, but she suspected she wasn’t fooling either of them.

_Just one more kiss,_ she’d lied to them both repeatedly, alternating hard and demanding then soft as she tried futilely to find the right note to leave it on.

_Kathryn,_ his voice had called her name like a prayer, hands on her hips setting her aflame.

_Stop me,_ she’d finally entreated him, pressing her forehead against his, and he’d complied, one more deep lingering kiss before he pulled away, taking her hands in his and clasping them together before releasing them.

She could almost still feel the tingling sensation left by his lips on hers.

She made it less than an hour and a half into her promised time on the bridge before she couldn’t stand it anymore. Making some excuse about reports, she tensely rose and retreated to her ready room, making an effort not to glance back at Chakotay, to ignore the pull she felt in his direction.

“Coffee, black,” she sighed in the replicator’s direction. She couldn’t wait any more. She was barely functional as it was.

“Unable to comply. Please restate request.”

“COFFEE. BLACK.” 

“Unable to comply. Please restate request.”

“Just give me some damned coffee you infernal machine!” she raged, slamming both hands against it as she choked back the emotional outburst that threatened to overwhelm her.

As much as she wanted to pummel the replicator into submission, the chime of the door forced her to take a deep breath and cooly respond “enter” in her most level and emotionless tone.

“Ka-Captain,” Chakotay faltered, and she had to take another slow deep breath before turning to face him, even though she had anticipated that it would be him. 

_He must have a good reason for coming in here_ , she reminded herself. He wouldn’t make this harder for no reason.

“What is it, Commander?”  


She was pleased to hear her voice sounded even, normal, steady. 

“Well things are pretty quiet,” he told her, “So I thought I’d offer to help with some of the reports or-”

“Can you make this churlish piece of garbage work?” she slipped, calm facade falling from her as she gestured in the direction of the replicator, “COF-FEE,” she repeated impatiently, “I need a hot cup of BLACK COFFEE. I swear this thing has a grudge against me.”

“How many have you had already?” Chakotay looked concerned. She suspected it was because it was far too obvious just how close she was to reaching her breaking point over something so small.

“None,” she swallowed, “And it’s killing me.”

Her eyes met his, and she felt that he knew all the added dimensions of what she meant without her saying another word. They didn’t have to touch to move one another, she recognized all too well.

Any little thing and she’d fall right into his arms, she knew. He was standing just out of reach, hands clasped behind his back. She wasn’t sure whether he was protecting himself or her from further temptation. This was the closest they’d been in private since returning to Voyager (or at least every other time he’d been in her Ready Room in that time she’d managed to keep the desk between them) and that pull towards him was stronger than ever.

Her gaze drifted down from his eyes to the level of his mouth, her frustrated craving for coffee and its blessed caffeine overwritten by another hunger.

“Can I help?” he asked, “How can I help?”

“I don’t know,” she admitted, shoulders slumping.

“Is it okay if I…” he hesitated, looking down and away and she was reminded of when he’d first approached her right here in this Ready Room, suggesting an arrangement that she couldn’t believe she’d convinced herself could be casual. It stung deeply. “Come over and see if maybe the replicator will… respond better to me?”

“Be my guest,” she invited, stepping back from it to give him a wider than usual berth.

He waited for her to finish moving, both of them planning their steps with careful intention, walking on eggshells around each other. Did he not trust himself either? Or was he, as always, just trying to make it easier for her? She couldn’t very well ask him, not without making everything worse.

He paused in front of the replicator, clearing his throat before softly stating, “Coffee, black.”

The damned thing worked, of course. Kathryn wasn’t sure whether her eyes were trying to weep with joy at the anticipation of coffee at last or frustration that, of course, the replicator seemed to be taunting her by only listening to him, telling her she needed him.  
“You don’t suppose Tuvok had your coffee access restricted while we were gone?” Chakotay tried to joke but the smile didn’t reach his eyes.

“I’m pretty sure he values his life more than that,” she lamely responded, her attempt at playfulness falling just as flat as his.

“Here,” he held the steaming mug out to her, and she thought about all the times on New Earth when he’d fixed her coffee and taken it to her in bed, or out in the garden while she was working, “I should get back to the bridge. Unless… there’s something else-”

Their fingertips brushed as she took the coffee from him, the contact like electricity running through her. Something so mundane shouldn’t feel so strong. She told herself it would fade with time. Maybe someday... someday they’d be able to laugh about it with an easy nostalgia.

“I…” she stumbled for a response that didn’t betray how she felt, “Thank you… Commander. I well…”

“Kathryn…” his eyes and the sound of her name on his lips pierced through her, “Are you alright?”

“I’m-” she started to lie, started to come up with some claim that she was fine, but she couldn’t even bring herself to finish it, “No. No, I’m not alright.”

“I want to help, but I don’t know how.”

“I know,” she swallowed painfully, “And you…”

He shook his head no, a heart wrenching expression of agony on his face.

“I’m sorry,” he sighed heavily, turning to leave, “I shouldn’t have come here. It was a mistake to think-”

“Chakotay…” she couldn’t stop herself as she watched her hand reach out to touch his shoulder, his name springing from her, “Wait.”

“Tell me what I’m doing wrong, and I will work to change it,” he offered, as always putting her needs above his.

“You’re not… Its-” 

Something inside of her broke as words failed her. It wasn’t his fault, unless she was going to blame him for being kind and clever and altogether too sexy and good in bed for her sanity. How could she blame him for being too wonderful, too thoughtful, for letting her get away with running so hot and cold? It wasn’t his fault that the situation was what it was, that they met under circumstances which made the intense connection between them a liability instead of a blessing.

“Chakotay,” she found herself using his name again, resolve crumbling with each passing second she was this near to him, feeling the heat of him through his uniform, looking at his alluring profile, his head bent slightly in submission and defeat. 

She needed to tell him it would just take time, tell them both that. She needed to let him go, to face her struggle alone in the privacy of solitude.

“I know,” he decided for her, turning to look her way and clearly seeing the tormented weakness inside her in her eyes, “I should get back to the bridge, Captain.”

“Of course,” she moved to lift her hand from his shoulder, feeling like she was fighting the gravitational pull of a small moon at the very least to do so.

He moved to step back, out of range and towards the door, and she intended to turn away rather than watch him go. Instead, she found herself moving towards him suddenly, hand pressing against where his heart lay. Suddenly she was tumbling forward, having forgotten about the step down towards the door between them, she grabbed hold of his uniform jacket, trying to right herself. Simultaneously, he reached out his hand to her other arm to steady her, accidentally jostling her movement instead. 

The clang of the coffee mug hitting the floor barely registered as her body collided into his, his hands encircling her upper arms as she pressed both of her palms into his chest. She wasn’t sure that moving them upwards, past the edge of his uniform and up his neck until they came to a rest holding his face, was even a decision it happened so fast.

She pressed up onto her toes completely, dragging his face down to meet her as she strained up into it, mouth pressing against with every ounce of force she could manage. She could feel herself shaking, the desperate need for him overtaking every other concern. 

Chakotay moaned against her lips, trembling against her just as noticeably. She could feel the tension in his body as he gripped and released her shoulders, clearly battling the impulse to grab hold. 

Digging the nails of one hand into his his scalp, Kathryn held their heads together. With her other hand she hooked her fingers into the waistband of the front of his pants, tugging him with her as she moved backwards.

A pile of PADDS went flying, as she swept them off her desk just before her backside collided with it. She then turned both hands to the pressing task of getting Chakotay’s pants open. Anything other than **right now** was utterly unbearable to consider; she wrapped one hand around him, sliding up and then down the already aroused length. With the other she moved to get free of her own uniform, nipping his bottom lip in frustration as she recognized she couldn’t shimmy out of her pants without dealing with her boots.

Well, one boot at least, she decided, leaning back away from him as she sat on the desk more firmly to reach down and tug it off and pulling that leg free from where her pants and underwear had caught around her ankle. The inelegance of leaving them dangling from the other one as she wrapped her bare leg around Chakotay’s waist, pulling him closer to her in a way that almost caused him to trip because of the way his uniform was bunched around his shins, paled in comparison to the need for _right now_.

His fingertips brushed her inner thigh from just above her knee, where it was wrapped around him, up to come to rest against her hipbone. The sensation went right to her core, feeding her frenzy as both her hands slid over his hips to grab hold of his backside. 

He came willing as she used her grip to adjust their positioning so that instead of being pressed against her he pushed into her. She twisted her face into her shoulder, trying to hold back the cry of relief that wanted to come out as she held him as deeply inside of her as possible, feeling the tense knot coiled within her start to expand out from her center to engulf her whole body.

With the hand not tracing her hipbone, Chakotay unzipped her jacket before slipping it up under the front of her undershirt to caress up her stomach. Tiny tremors betrayed the heat beneath the soft touch. 

She felt like her whole body was vibrating with the intensity of the moment. She moved to press the back of one of her hands over her mouth to stifle her whimper as they pulled apart a bit, the tip of him barely staying inside of her before they came back together. 

He kissed the inside of her wrist, then moved his lips along her palm as he traced the hand under her shirt up her ribcage towards the band of her bra; each place he was touching her sent more shivers through her. She dropped her hand from her face to anchor herself against the desk top with it, meeting Chakotay halfway as he moved to replace it with his mouth on hers.

Each time they came back together, moving in unison as they both pulled apart and then both in again like mirror images, she felt them swallow each other’s moans, hungry mouths devouring one another. 

The sensation of his touch through the material of her bra, as he cupped her breast and then found and teased her nipple through the fabric, caused her to clutch onto him desperately, shaking harder.

_I know it can’t be the same,_ he’d seemed to concede, before continuing, _But does it really have to be all or nothing?_

_What do you suggest? The same arrangement that already failed so spectacularly? It’s clear that neither of us can be casual… not about the other, and especially not after all of this._

She’d gestured to their surroundings, the clearing they’d made their home.

_So we’re not casual,_ he’d responded, _Is there anything casual about the complete lockdown you are so convinced we need to enact?_

There was nothing casual about this: still largely clothed, screwing on her desk, lost in the ferocity and depth of her need for him, in the middle of a shift, here in her ready room. 

She’d thought… She’d thought nothing would be simpler. Now though, the full impact of a true simplicity hit her: It was simply impossible. It was absolutely impossible to just ignore everything she felt, everything she wanted. Impossible for loving and wanting Chakotay to stay dormant and unacted upon indefinitely with no consequences in her behaviors.

No. Chakotay had been right. This plan had been doomed from the start. She’d only ensured this would happen, an utter loss of control when she reached the breaking point.

She gripped his backside hard enough to undoubtedly leave bruises, Kathryn knew that just beyond those doors lay the bridge, that this was everything she couldn’t, shouldn’t be doing. She couldn’t stop, didn’t even want to try.

As her pleasure peaked, Kathryn was pretty sure that her vision cleared for the first time since they’d returned to Voyager. From the moment she’d arrived on the transporter pad, colors had seemed muted and shapes dulled. Now though, It was as if everything came back into focus as she squeezed around Chakotay, continuing to work her hips, milking his release from him in a matter of moments as she continued to shake and squeeze.

Wrapping one arm around his neck, Kathryn pressed her face into the shoulder of Chakotay’s uniform, as the warm satisfaction of the moment and the weight of what she’d just done warred for dominion over her.

“You know,” Chakotay chuckled softly into her hair, fingertips tracing patterns softly over her lower back, “You could have just said something.”

“What have we done?” she wondered aloud, as reality continued to press in on the borders of their bubble of bliss, “What have I done?”

“Kathryn?” Chakotay pulled back enough to look at her face, without breaking their body contact from the waist down, “Don’t tell me you didn’t want-”

“This should never have happened,” she gestured to their surroundings, still unable to even bring herself to move away from him and have him slip from her despite her words. Hell, at any moment someone might be at the ready room door to discover them like this. Still, her impulse was to keep him close rather than push him away.

Chakotay looked crestfallen, like she’d kicked him, “I didn’t. I thought you seemed like you were sure.”

“Oh Chakotay…” she shook her head, “I can’t keep holding you accountable for maintaining boundaries I myself refuse to honor. You can’t be responsible for my willpower. It’s not fair, even if you have been willing.”

“Kathryn,” his forehead scrunched up ever so slightly as he tried to puzzle out the implications of her declaration, “What are you saying?”

“I don’t know,” she confessed, leaning in and pressing a kiss to his furrowed brow, “I don’t know how to move forward from here, but I do know that I can’t go on the way I have been, even if I wanted to. I do know I need to stop letting you try to pick up the slack whenever I can’t hold the line.”

“I still mean everything I’ve said,” Chakotay replied, “No matter how much it hurts, I’ll do everything I can do make things even a little easier for you.”

“I know,” she sighed, “I also know my plan isn’t working. It’s only been a week and here I am pouncing you in the middle of a shift. What we need are parameters that are actually realistic.”

“And here I was,” Chakotay caressed the side of her face with one hand, thumb stroking her cheek even as he teased her, “Thinking that you didn’t believe in the word compromise.”

“Sometimes,” she took a deep breath and allowed herself a brief smile, “You have to know when to expand your vocabulary, when to recognize that the impossible is more realistic than accepted facts.”

“I’ll follow your lead,” he promised more earnestly, “I may protest, but I will fall in line.”

“We need to…” she struggled with what to say, “Get back to work. But clearly this warrants further discussion.”

“Are you sure you don’t mean you’ll inform me of your decision when you’ve made it?” he asked without any of the malice she would have expected.

“No,” she committed to them both, “That pattern doesn’t seem to be working very well when it comes to this. We’ll talk about it and come to a solution together, just not right now.”

“When?”

“Tonight,” she decided, “My quarters, an hour after we get off shift.”

“Alright,” he nodded slightly and she kissed him gently, lips softly brushing his.

Pulling apart was like separating super magnets, the certainty that had enfolded her while they were in each other’s arms dissipating almost immediately. She wasn’t sure whether how little it took to get back to being fully dressed was a blessing or a curse.

“Until tonight?” Chakotay smoothed his jacket back into place over the rest of his uniform, shirt tucked into his pants once more, as she finished pulling back on her discarded boot.

“Dismissed,” she took a deep breath, trying with very limited success to summon back her detached professional mask, “I’ll see you back out on the bridge shortly.

As the doors slid shut behind him, she was left trying to figure out how to recover from all the lines she’d crossed today and every day since she met him. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to [Talsi](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Talsi74656) for once again letting me bounce ideas off her and coddling me through with positive reinforcement every couple lines and to [Helen](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Helen8462) for the lovely and timely beta on this chapter.


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After Kathryn slips up on her own rules in her ready room, she and Chakotay must find some that they can actually live with.

_I don’t have to have a speech prepared,_ Kathryn reminded herself, _I said we’d figure it out together so I don’t have to have the answer before he gets here._

It went against her instincts. It went against everything she was used to doing, how she was used to thinking.

As she tried to anticipate what Chakotay would say, how he would approach this, it occurred to her that he must be doing the same thing.

 _He’ll expect me to pull back, to close down, to act unilaterally,_ she realized. He’d as much as said it earlier when she suggested this talk, and she couldn’t blame him. That was how she’d operated up until this point.

It would feel more natural. She knew that. She could retreat back to being the captain, to deciding for them both, to declarations.

But that wasn’t working. She had to face that it hadn’t been working for a long time, not when it came to Chakotay. 

_Focus on something you can control right now,_ she decided, after glancing at the chronitron and realizing she still had almost twenty minutes until he was due to arrive. Otherwise she was going to drive herself into one extreme or another.

Looking around her, she was struck by how stark her quarters appeared, official and impersonal. She hadn’t really had time to settle in before the Caretaker incident. Since then, maybe decorating had felt like an admission that they weren’t getting home any time soon… that this was her home. 

She thought about how in just those months she’d accepted the shelter on New Earth as her home more than she had this place in years. _Chakotay,_ she recognized, _He made it feel like a home._

It was all the little things he’d done, those projects he kept himself busy with. What could she do?

Flowers. She walked over to the replicator with purpose. He’d frequently brought fresh flowers into the shelter, beautiful vibrant blooms he’d collected in the jungle. She considered replicating something tropical, but this wasn’t new Earth. As much as it wasn’t working to pretend that had never happened, it wouldn’t be any better to pretend it could be the same. Something more restrained, a middle ground, then.

The table still lacked something, the harsh artificial lighting falling coldly on the petals of the flowers. 

“Computer. Reduce illumination by thirty percent.”

Now it was a little dark. She headed back over to the replicator. Nothing ostentatious. It needed to be simple.

Once they were lit she considered that maybe the candles were too much, that it looked too romantic, too- It didn’t matter. It didn’t matter because at that moment the door chimed and she realized suddenly that it was time and he was here.

It would be what it would be.

“I didn’t know if it would be appropriate,” Chakotay shrugged, holding a bottle of cider in one hand as he awkwardly stood in the doorway.

She took the bottle and gestured him in, watching him note the flowers and the candles.

“Maybe it can be a reward,” she suggested, “For coming up with a workable solution.”

“So you haven’t changed your mind,” he hesitated, “About us figuring it out together.”

“I haven’t,” she confirmed, seating herself at one side of the table, “Though I can’t pretend I didn’t think about it.”

“Okay,” he sat down across from her and took a deep breath, “Where do we start?”

“I was wrong,” she figured it was best to get it out of the way and in the open, “I was wrong to think it would be as simple as just cutting off our relationship and acting like it never happened. I miss you to the point of distraction… more distraction that I could ever even fear our relationship might become.”

“I’ve been trying so hard not to show it, but I am consumed by the loss of us, Kathryn,” Chakotay reciprocated, clearly deciding that if she was going to say as much it was okay for him to do the same, “I haven’t been able to-”

“Sleep?” she finished, looking at his bloodshot eyes and the deep circles beneath them. She knew her own looked the same, “Me either.”

“Earlier-” he started.

“I crossed my own lines. Missing you, wanting you… It got the better of me. Being exhausted probably didn’t help my restraint, but ultimately I lost control.”

She found herself standing up and pacing away from the table.

“It isn’t all on you. You aren’t the only one who was there, Kathryn.”

Chakotay turned towards her, but stayed seated, watching her movements with a certain amount of resignation. She stopped and face back towards him, one hand gripping the back of the couch. It would be easy to let him share the burden, let herself avoid owning her own transgression. It was wrong, though. It didn’t line up with what had happened.

“I’m the one who initiated it, when you were doing your damndest to help me not. No. I can’t keep letting you shoulder responsibility that should me mine, even if you are willing.”

He didn’t argue, didn’t try to take away from that truth. No. Instead he changed gears.

“So,” he hesitated, before standing slowly, “Being apart isn’t working.”

“Only if you define working as having the opposite of intended effect. At least when we had our old arrangement I wasn’t tearing your clothes off in the middle of a shift in my ready room.”

“Is that what you want? To go back to the way things were before New Earth?” he sounded skeptical and she didn’t blame him.

“Even if I did. It’s impossible to go back.”

She sank down onto the couch, overwhelmed and unsure how to proceed.

“I concur,” he replied softly, walking carefully over to sit in the armchair beside the couch, I wouldn’t have put it past you to convince yourself otherwise, but there is no way.”

“I’m stubborn,” she acknowledged, “But I like to think I’m not that hard headed.”

“I don’t suppose you could see your way to continuing forward instead, just letting things keep developing naturally.”

It sounded so reasonable. From a certain light… nothing could be more reasonable.

“No,” she sighed. It would be easy to say yes, to have him in her bed every night and at dinner across the table. To let him comfort her when she was disappointed and celebrate successes.

It didn’t sit right, no matter how much she wanted it to.

“I think it’s important to talk about why. Kathryn, are you afraid of the way being together would affect us, or are you afraid of what the crew might think?”

“Both,” she admitted, “I’m worried about both.”

“Okay,” he nodded, “Let’s deal with each of those on its own. Maybe it will seem clearer if we break it down.”

It was a logical approach, she had to admit. It occurred to her that he probably rehearsed this, that he’d anticipated her objections and strategized about how he would respond to each. It was easy to forget the tactical mind of the man before her when it was so frequently being used invisibly to her advantage.

“I worry the crew would feel they couldn’t come to either of us about the other if they knew about our personal relationship. I worry that they will see our judgement as compromised. I worry… I worry they will respect me less, that I’ll have less authority as captain in their eyes.”

“I think you should give them more credit,” Chakotay gave her the barest hint of a smile, “But if you really believe that it will negatively affect our position with them, I guess the solution would be to continue to keep what is between us a secret.”

“And concerns about how it will affect us?”

“I’m not going to stop respecting you, trusting you, or arguing with you when I think you are wrong, Kathryn. Whatever does or doesn’t happen between us.”

“How can you say that? How could you possibly know?”

Chakotay always seemed so certain, as though he could see into the future with some crystal ball. Not that she believed in that kind of thing. If she had it might have made this easier. It wasn’t that she didn’t believe he meant it. She just didn’t know how to make that kind of leap of faith.

“Kathryn,” he hesitated, “Do you remember those first couple weeks, months even, when I first became your first officer and I had to push… constantly for a voice in command decisions?”

“I do,” she wasn’t sure where this was going but she doubted she was going to like it.

“At the time, I thought it was because of the whole Maquis thing, that you didn’t trust me because I was still an outsider in your eyes. But I understand now, that it was something else. You’re a very independent person, Kathryn, used to doing things yourself, to relying on yourself. Most captains don’t walk the decks the way you do or climb through jefferies tubes themselves, except as a very last resort.”

From someone else it might have sounded like a reprimand, but Chakotay said it with a conviction that felt entirely the opposite.

“You paint a nice portrait of me, but how does this mean that view won’t change?”

“I fought for my place by your side, Kathryn, and you did let me in. That’s how we work best, as a team, together… united. I know you’ve seen it, felt it.”

It was true. She’d never worked with anyone else the way she did with Chakotay, not as two parts of a larger mechanism but as two halves of a solid whole, the boundaries where one of them ended and the other began constantly blurring and in flux.

“That’s what I’m afraid of risking, Chakotay.”

She didn’t know why it worked, so how could she know what would nurture or destroy it that delicate equilibrium between them?

“That’s what I want you to believe in, Kathryn. Us. As a team, here in your quarters and out there on the bridge.”

She did believe in it, so help her. She needed to understand it, though. She needed to be able to quantify, to delineate.

“I’m not a go with the flow kind of person, Chakotay. I need structure. I need boundaries. I need…”

“Parameters,” he finished.

“Yes,” she sighed, hearing it out loud making it sound ridiculous to her own ears, “But this time they need to be more honest than the ones I tried before. I need parameters I can keep.”

“So we will work them out,” he assured her.

It sounded so simple when he said it, so clean and easy.

“But what about you?” she finally asked, “Maybe that’s part of the problem. Every broken set of rules are ones I made to fit my needs, not yours.”

“I want us to be partners,” he told her, “In every sense, but I’d rather have something limited than nothing at all. I don’t want a relationship you regret or are uncomfortable with.”

Neither did she. She wondered if he understood that, understood that her reluctance came out of valuing them too much and not too little. That was the problem all over again. She needed boundaries even though she wanted the opposite.

“I don’t know how to do this,” she admitted, “I’m no good at middle ground.”

“Let’s start with this,” Chakotay gestured to their surroundings, to the candles and flower on the table, “Can we do this?”

“Not every day,” she swallowed, “But maybe sometimes?”

“Define sometimes.”

“We made it one week without anything,” Kathryn pointed out, “Do you think we could make it that long on the promise of one night together at the end of it?”

“Okay so dinner: here, with candlelight, once a week?”

“It’s not just dinner,” Kathryn clarified, “Dinner isn’t enough, it’s one night where… well while we are here together we just set the boundaries aside. One night, where we can be like we…”

“Like we were?” Chakotay asked, reaching out and placing his hand over hers on the arm of the couch, “Kathryn are you sure?”

“I’m sure I can’t hold back 24/7. I’m sure that I need to let go sometimes, need to let myself feel how I feel when it comes to you. I’m sure I need the solace I feel in your arms.”

She interlaced her fingers with his, squeezing their hands tightly together. It wasn’t enough, just like this arrangement wasn’t really. 

“Just in my arms? Or the rest of it?”

“All of it, Chakotay. It’s not just the physical I can’t keep bottling up forever.”

“So one night of everything, and the rest of the time?”

She wished he hadn’t asked, even as she knew the question needed to be answered. 

“Business as usual. I don’t think we can afford more.”

“Can I make a counter-proposal?” Chakotay suggested.

“You can make it,” she bit her lip, disentangling their hands, but then moving to join him in the chair, legs coming to rest on either side of his body as she laced her hands behind his neck and added flirtatiously, “ I can’t promise to agree.”

They were so close to an agreement that at the moment it almost didn’t matter what the agreement was, so long as they could stop trying to figure it out and get lost in each other.

“We need some sort of buffer, a middle ground mode between just colleagues and lovers.”

Chakotay put his hands on her hips, not pulling her close but holding them apart a reasonable distance, showing more restraint than she had anticipated.

“I’m listening.”

She had to, no matter how much she didn’t feel like it.

“These dinners, what if we practiced something in between here. Friendship maybe? We leave the lovers in the bedroom and take the space between the both sets of doors to learn how to be something else?”

He disentangled her arms from around his neck, looking her straight in the eye, and she felt like a bucket of cold water had been poured over her.

“You want to… limit us further?” 

She could tell he was frustrated, with her words or with himself she wasn’t sure.

“I want to stretch us to grow together. I want to challenge us to build something that will work with the life we are living here and now on Voyager, not just an escape, a fantasy.”

He was right, of course. He was so often… more often than she could usually bring herself to admit.

“I can’t promise not to flirt,” she smirked, grabbing hold of his collar with one hand.

“I won’t promise not to flirt back, then.”

“And once we cross the bedroom threshold?”

She stood up, tugging him with her.

“Kathryn, you have no idea how hard it is for me to suggest holding back here, how much I want to touch you right now, hold you in my arms.”

For a moment, he seemed to drop whatever it was he did to dampen the heat and intensity of his gaze. The playfulness of the moment before and the uncertainty of the whole conversation evaporated in the face of it. She felt her own longing thrum in sympathy with the visibility of his.

“I think,” she sighed, “I do.”

“Does that mean we might consider... dessert before dinner?”

There it was again, that playful smile, creeping in to soften the lust and emotion in his eyes. She was pretty sure the effect was even more deadly.

“Follow me and find out.” She let go of her grip on him, turning around and intentionally sauntering toward the bedroom.

He caught up with her just past the door frame, arms wrapping around her from behind, lips pressed against her neck.

“Kathryn…” he murmured her name, as always managing to imbue it with layers upon layers of meaning.

She shuddered, leaning back against him, as one hand cupped her breast through her uniform, even the dull and indirect touch fanning the flames of her need for him. His other hand stroked her hipbone and all she wanted was more.

“When I close my eyes,” he breathed, “All I can see is you.”

She unzipped her jacket, bending her arms to help him peel her out of it; before lifting them above her head to allow him to pull more layers from her body. As his fingertips ghosted down her spine and then up her ribcage, she let out a soft moan.

“I keep waking up and expecting you to be beside me,” she shared, taking a deep breath and willing herself to let go for a little while.

“I find myself reaching for you in the middle of the night…”

His hands caressed her more firmly and she found herself wriggling her backside closer against his crotch, her chest pressing forward into his hands as he cupped her through her bra with both hands.

“Earlier,” she groaned, “Oh I imagined you everywhere. I thought about us against every inch of surface area in my ready room.”

“Tell me,” he nipped lightly at her earlobe, reaching one hand back to unclasp her bra before pulling it from her and then cupping her breasts solidly in both.

“There’s that railing just at the right height to grip if you were behind me.”

She could feel his arousal through both of their pants, his hardened length pressed against the cleft of her ass, could feel it twitching as she gyrated her hips to rub against it.

“You know, I’ve always wanted to get down in front of your chair in there, get my head between your thighs, and test the soundproofing.”

“I have often thought about having you sit on the desk while I was in that chair and seeing how long it takes for me to make you explode like that, both hands holding you in place as I take you in my mouth.”

“If I’d known that was going to be our one time in your ready room” he paused to suck lightly at her shoulder as he teased both of her nipples with his hands, “I would have tried to make it count a bit more.”

She resisted the urge to point out why it couldn’t be a regular occurrence, even more so than the rest of it, more interested in the moment in undoing the front of her pants. 

Chakotay kissed his way down her spine as he knelt to help her get them off. Face buried against the curve of her backside, he helped steady her while she shimmied out of her pants.

“Oh how I’ve missed this,” she sighed, as she twisted around running her hands through Chakotay’s hair as he nuzzled his face into the fabric of her underwear.

She had. Nothing could have prepared for for how she’d missed this, missed him. It wasn’t just the passion and pleasure (though that would have been enough to drive her to distraction). It was also the intimacy of the feeling between them, the quiet warmth of how she felt with them.

“Come on. Let’s get your clothes off,” she suggested, enjoying the moment but wanting to avoid the rushed pace of earlier. Any longer and he was about to drive any complete thought from her mind with that wonderful mouth of his. She wanted to savor this, wanted to feel him fully, wanted more than the immediate fulfillment they could so easily hurtle towards.

He pulled back his head to look up at her, and it reminded her of that first moment when she’d realized this had become more than sex… at least for him. The way he looked at her, it made her feel like someone else… no not someone else but somehow more than she was without his gaze.

Holding her hands out to him, she helped him stand up, kissing him deeply.

“Is it okay, for me to tell you I love you here?” he asked, as she moved to start undoing his jacket.

“Here,” she nodded before adding, “I thought you already were.”

“I love you, Kathryn,” Chakotay responded, between kisses as she worked his jacket over his wonderful board shoulders, “Always.”

“You can’t know that,” she shook her head, dragging his undershirt up over his head, “So much could happen out there while we’re… not together.”

“Kathryn…” he captured her hands in his and brought them to his lips, “It doesn’t matter if we were actually apart… in every sense of the word. I will always love you.”

“I don’t think I could ever stop loving you either, not completely, but things change,” she hadn’t meant to argue, not here and now, but she couldn’t stop herself, “I don’t want you to feel like you have to give up the chance for something more… because of me.”

She realized this had been lurking there, in the back of her mind. There were plenty of women out there who could and would give themselves to Chakotay the way he deserved. On New Earth they had been a forgone conclusion, but here someday he might have to choose between her and having everything else… a family.

“Anything…” He looked at her intently. “That didn’t involve you wouldn’t be something more. It would be something else. Any commitment I might make some someone else… would be a lie or at the very least limited; because, I will always choose you.”

His hands skimmed along her side before covering her back as he kissed her slowly.

“Neither of us can know what will happen,” she sighed, as they pulled apart for air, “Don’t promise what you can’t know. For all you know you will meet someone you like more than me.”

The look he gave her reminded her of the first night they had slept together, how she’d insisted they have a no fault opt out and he’d looked at her like that scenario was impossible. _Well he was right that once I had him I’d never want to stop_ , she had to admit to herself.

“Fine,” he said unconvincingly, “I won’t promise. That doesn’t make it any less true, though.”

She knew he meant it. She knew he’d been right about everything thus far. Still, a lot could change over time… and in all reality there was almost certainly a lot of time.

“Let’s just worry about now,” she told him, knowing that they weren’t going to come to more of an agreement than that on the topic, “Let the future sort itself out.”

“That,” He smiled softly at her. “I can get behind.”

Her hands slid down his chest and further towards the waistband of his pants as they resumed kissing. His lips were still just as wonderful as all her memories and fantasies and the warmth he radiated made her feel something she couldn’t quite describe. Safe? Aroused? **Alive**.

“I like when you get behind me,” she murmured, undoing the front of his pants and running her hands along his hipbones.

“I can do that,” he replied, moving his hands to her waist to guide her carefully to turn away from him, and then back against his body, “Is this what you want, Kathryn?”

His breath against her neck and his hands roaming her almost naked body sent shivers through her.

“Or is there something else?” He ran one finger down the outside of the front of her underwear, stopping to rub a little more firmly as he got to the damp patch between her thighs.

“All of it,” she groaned, putting her hand over his and guiding it inside of her underwear, “I want all of it so much. I don’t even know where to start.”

It was the truth, one that Kathryn was a little shocked to realize. Usually she was decisive, in and out of bed.

“Let’s start with finishing getting undressed,” Chakotay suggested hooking his finger into the sides of her underwear and bending to drag them down her legs, kissing along her thighs as he did. She bent over a little, reaching out press her hands to the surface of her bed to steady herself as she lifted each foot in turn as Chakotay finished disentangling the material.

Both of his hands were firmly holding her thighs as pressed his head between them, licking the moisture seeping from her. She arched her body to lift her ass up just a little further for him to get better access.

His tongue slipping into her caused her to moan loudly dropping, her elbows down to the bed as well for better stability as she gripped the sheets.

“More…” she gasped.

He moved one of his hands forward, stroking her clit at the same time he pushed his tongue in and she felt her body shaking, the pent up need flowing freely at last.

Part of her ached for him deep inside of her, but the soft wet embrace of his mouth felt so good, as did the dextrous rhythm of his fingertip. She didn’t want it to stop. His other hand wandered, seeking out sensitive spots but the one that sent her over the edge was the lightest of touches against the base of her spine.

“Now,” she almost screamed, balancing on the border of release, “Take me now.”

She really did lose control of the sounds she was making, feeling the first crest of her climax rise at Chakotay, wonderful and large, filling her.

Each deep thrust drew another cry of pleasure from her, as Chakotay wrapped his body around hers and the full body contact intensified the waves of release. They dropped to their knees, rocking together until the intensity faded slowly, her shaking softening.

“Talk about making a man feel wanted,” Chakotay chuckled against her neck.

“You are,” she affirmed, “No matter what else, that you can be sure of.”

She could feel his reluctance to separate as he pulled out and stepped back. Turning and sitting on the bed, Kathryn watched him finally get free of the rest of his clothing, which was bunched around his feet. Though she was still recovering from the intensity of her orgasm, looking at him still resulted in a tightening of arousal within her.

“Come here,” she told him, reaching out and helping him settle, kneeling between her legs. She stroked his erection, still sticky with her release, claiming his lips with her own.

The sensation as he slid into her again was softer but no less wonderful. They came together in a steady rhythm, each thrusting equally. Their movements started slow and relaxed but gradually the tension built, Kathryn sliding off the edge of the bed into his lap more firmly, her back arching as he lowered his head to suck on one of her nipples as she took control of riding him.

“I know it’s selfish, Chakotay,” she groaned, “But I want you to be mine, all mine, even though I can’t accept it, not the way we both want.”

“I am yours, Kathryn,” he reassured her, “Whether you accept it or not.”

“Cha-oooo-tayyyyy…” she moaned, squeezing him with each movement of her body above and around him.

She could feel how hard he came, as she rode it out of him, hands in his hair. 

She went to protest when he lifted her off of him, but then he was setting her down on the edge of the bed and burying his face against her, and her words were lost in the first moan as he licked her clit and she fell back onto the bedspread, giving herself over to the enjoyment of it.

Here, in her bedroom with Chakotay, she didn’t have to be the captain for the moment. For the moment, she could be a woman being made love to by the man she adored, a man who just so happened to have a magic mouth.

 _And fingers_ , she had to add mentally, as he pressed two inside of her as he continued to lap at her clit and she found herself building quickly towards orgasm. The slow steady rhythm and the way he was using the flat of his tongue, these were the mark of a man who knew her body like it was his own.

She pushed aside thought of tomorrow, focusing on how good this moment felt, digging her fingers into Chakotay’s shoulders, moaning freely.

“I’m not going to turn into a pumpkin, if I stay past midnight?” Chakotay asked, glancing at the chronitron, after she pulled away in overstimulation following her peak.

She knew she should make some joke and agree that they’d better not risk it, but she wasn’t ready to let go, not yet.

“I think as long as you go back to your quarters before reporting for your shift, we should be okay?”

“We did sort of skip dinner…” he hesitated, like he wasn’t sure how to respond.

“Good idea,” she said, even though really she couldn’t have cared less about eating, not when the other option was to drag him up into the bed with her.

Still, Chakotay was right about them needing to learn to find some middle ground mode with one another. So she took a deep breath and reached out for the nearest piece of discarded clothing.

“Besides,” she raised an eyebrow playfully, “Maybe if we get started on eating, we can manage to get to a second round of dessert.”

Chakotay smiled, but there was something not quite genuine about it, a little sad even.

She felt the same way as she put back on her uniform, it’s usually comfortable layers suddenly seeming stiff and confining somehow.  
The candles had burned down a bit, Kathryn noticed as she crossed to the replicator, punching in a vegetable stir fry recipe Chakotay had mentioned liking at one point. She turned around to find him pouring the cider he’d brought and she’d forgotten about into two glasses.

“So,” she said, sitting down at the table, “What shall we talk about? The crew?”

“That’s rather official,” he sighed, “What about something else. You know, you’re never told me whether you have any siblings.”

It occurred to her that it was a curious omission, but she supposed that during their time on New Earth it hadn’t seemed relevant. Thinking about the things that were lost to them had seemed counterproductive.

“A sister,” she replied, thinking about Phoebe suddenly with an alarming clarity. What would Phoebe think of Chakotay? What would he think of her? 

“She’s an artist,” she added, “A bit of a troublemaker, but I think you’d like her.”

It was hard, terribly hard, not to imagine it, not to think about getting home (now not in 60 or 70 years), about introducing him to her family. She couldn’t go there, though. She had to pull back. 

_You love him_ , she admitted again to herself, _But there’s more to life than that._

Looking at his dimpled grin she struggled to remember what.

“I’d be afraid to introduce you to my sister,” Chakotay said with an obvious lack of sincerity, “Neither of you can resist the allure of danger as it is, and together…”

“Are you calling me reckless, Chakotay?”

“It’s one of the things I-” He stopped short and she knew what he’d been about to say.

“Admire about me?” she offered.

“I’m sure that’s it,” he grinned conspiratorially.

She wanted to lean in a little further, but she didn’t. _Wait,_ she reminded herself. In just a little while she’d have him back in her bedroom and she could kiss those gorgeous lips all she wanted again.

Besides, maybe they really would find a way home soon. Stranger things had happened.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's all she wrote, folks. I hope you enjoyed the final installment of this little fic that got too big for its britches so to speak. Thanks again to Talsi, for the cheerleading and feedback/guidance.


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